To think there is no good death?

I don’t mind admitting that I envied my SiL, whose father died instantly of a heart attack while trying to open a garage door, and whose DM died instantly of a massive stroke while eating her breakfast.

My DF died after maybe 3 years bowel cancer, while my DM went on to 97 after around 15 years of dementia, and during the last 5 or 6 it was advanced - she was doubly incontinent, no longer recognised any of her family, could hold no conversation, had no clue about anything.

My husband’s grandmother died in her sleep on the sofa at 90. She’d been feeling a bit under the weather the last few months but was still out and about. It turned out she had pneumonia which is what killed her. I couldn’t imagine anything much better than that.

I’ve lost four friends to bowel cancer in their late 40s. Two left young children, one left teenagers. Three left devastated widows / widower trying to parent their bereaved children alone. All left mothers whose lives are completely changed by grief.

It has completely changed my way of thinking - living to see your children to adulthood is a bonus, as a child having parents until you are in your 40s or 50s is a great privilege.

My father died of multiple organ failure exacerbated by heart disease and end stage kidney failure. He was a doctor and said that when it comes to the point when he needs dialysis, he will refuse it and will choose to let it take its course. He said he will become progressively sleepier and it is not a bad way to go.

He passed away in his sleep. The day before, he was still walking, talking and even driving. He was not in pain, just very tired. He did not tell anyone he was close though he must have known at some level. He would have hated the fuss.

It is a good death on his terms. It gave my mother comfort to know.

What I meant to say but forgot to actually type is that drugs do help. And I’m so sorry for anyone who has to watch it x

My great aunt died as well as anyone could hope, I think. Sitting on the sofa chatting with her daughter, then it was like someone flicked a switch. Off.

Not so great for the daughter, admittedly.

Personally, I would prefer to go on a cloud of opiates, when I am so tired that it’s like falling asleep. MIL was a nurse and she told me that was a thing. We made sure she and FIL were both very fully painkillered for their respective ends.

This 👆, omg this.
I always comment how much I love going under on general anesthetic threads, purely because theres a side of me that wishes I stay asleep I like the feeling of drifting off blissfully.

My dads was awful long and drawn out after his stroke. Sad for him no life at all. My fil was quick issue with heart then sepsis. Both sad of course. Not nice all they suffered though at end

@SurvivorInstinctIsJustInconvenient I’m sorry for what you are dealing with; have you any support to help manage / plan ahead? 💐

I had a similar experience with my dad, 8 years ago (today, as it happens). Not cancer but the pain was horrific until he got suitable pain relief in the last 36 hours.

I’ll never forget it.

In contrast my Grandma died in her 100th year, of old age. Peacefully, at home, having seen everyone. On no medication. She died gradually over a few weeks. It was peaceful and without fear or pain (although she wasn’t thrilled about dying, in the initial period).

I have incurable yet supposedly treatable cancer ( x two types!) I hope to dear God, when the time comes, it's quick and painless because right now, it’s comparable to being sat on death row with pain! ☹️

Sounds really tough. I think a good death is limited pain, being with loved ones after a well lived long-life, ideally at home or somewhere comfortable.

I don't think this is true. You can simply not be ready for death - particularly if you have no religious or spiritual beliefs and you are young. Or you can die a very painful death - being ready to die doesn't make that pain easier. I think death can be a short or long process and the long deaths are often more traumatic for everyone.

It's not always the case, but many people have hard things about their deaths.

But that's true about lives as well.

I think the important thing is to try and live meaningful King. Which is possible even with serious illness. But it does take a thought and work to figure out what that looks like. With three of you, I suspect it would involve finding it in being together and supporting each other. Maybe you can also find ways to support your dad's faith. Which we tend to think of as intellectual or emotional in many cases, but for people who are in pain or in cognitive decline is often more about the body. Familiar rituals, smells, prayers, music, art.

Following

Look up Kathryn Mannix's TED talk. She has a lot of knowledge to offer on the topic of a 'good death.' Some of what you've referred to in your post though is about ageing, rather than death and I have nothing reassuring to say about that. Unfortunately people are living longer, but unfortunately the years we have added to life expectancy with the development of medicine often seem to not be worth living for many.

I always wish you could just choose to go if terminally ill by GA, just get sent off to sleep as you do for an op then once you’re under deeply give you something else stronger to finish it.

Well that’s just not true is it. Some people have a very quick and sudden death where they don’t even know what’s going on and others are able to use assisted dying facilities well before the real suffering begins.

I'm sorry your dad is suffering so much, op, and your mum is too in looking after him - it's no wonder you feel like you do.

Can't imagine anyone being a fan of dementia.

For balance I honestly am not aware of anyone I know who had a 'good' death, I'm being honest. I don't know anyone who died in their sleep. I have seen relatives struggle before dying. It scares the hell out of me. Honest opinion.

With the end in mind is a good book to read

I watched my grandad die a death that sounds like the one your dad is dying. I wouldn't want that for anyone.

One thing I would say, is that you/he can start making choices that may reduce the length of time he suffers for. My granny kept insisting he needed vaccinating, and that infections should be treated. This prolonged his life and I don't think it improved his life to live longer.

My other grandparents died better deaths.

I would really recommend Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It was a book about dying well.

It was good for him, but not us... my DF dropped dead earlier this year. He was out on a walk and witnesses said he just hit the ground. They did CPR, as did paramedics but he was gone. Didn't even go to hospital... straight to the coroners.
We are just glad it happened somewhere we can avoid. If it had been at home, then I think DM would have been going through the stress of bereavement and having to move house at the same time.
Sudden deaths easy for the person, but not the loved ones left behind. So many "what ifs"... did we miss something? Was a little headache he had two days prior to do with it? etc etc.