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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that my ds has decided not to go to uni.

333 replies

Fearandanxiety · 10/08/2026 23:02

Ds is 19 years old and has been on a GAP year and has worked full time in a pub and had a few holidays. He has a place at uni starting this September to study business management. He has started to get cold feet and said it was due to the amount of debt he would get from being at uni, but I think his girlfriend has been putting pressure on him not to go. My parents have offered to pay his tuition fees which is incredibly generous but he has decided today not to go. He has no alternative long term plan and I’m trying hard to hide how disappointed I am. I really think he has a fantastic opportunity and I feel sad that his girlfriend has persuaded him not to go. She isn’t academic and is content for them to carry on working locally and move into together. Aibu?

OP posts:
HRHCurmudgeon · 10/08/2026 23:11

I was your son (albeit a female version). I went at 23yrs old and got so much more out of it.

If I’d gone at 18/19, I’d have ballsed it up and scraped a Third if I was lucky. Probably would have been kicked out for partying and delivering zero essays.

I got a First.

Keep the faith!

ETA: I did work… McJobs for a while and then a decent job as a PA and that was enough to make me realise I wanted to be the one making the decisions and not enacting them. Off to university I went!

OrangeFlower14 · 10/08/2026 23:09

Good idea but he does need a work plan
he can save money now it’s good

he would have other debts as well wouldn’t he or would you pay it all

lots of other career choices

Namenamchange · 10/08/2026 23:09

It’s fine for him not to want to go. As long as it’s for the right reasons, and no pressure from others. All you can do is hide your feelings, the more you push back the more he won’t go.

RappelChoan · 10/08/2026 23:07

Yanbu but there’s nothing you can do about it.

Instead of going to uni I have gone an awful long way around things in my career, I could have earnt a lot more overall if I had a degree.

Of my DC, one went to uni and decided to discontinue, I was fine with that as it’s an informed decision.

The other is partway through.

Both know that I will always do whatever I can to help fund their career building. I wish my parents had done the same. If you can afford to, let your DC know that if they change their mind in years to come, you will still help them.

foxfoxbox · 10/08/2026 23:07

If he has the chance to go to uni debt free and isn't taking it then he is very foolish. Would his uni take him far away? Could he not re-apply at a closer uni?

Then again I went back into education as an adult and it was a lot more fylfilling the second time around, when i was older and wiser! I would give him another year but maybe he is hoping for the gift from his grandparents in money form. For a house or something. Maybe that is why he is refusing

Unblushingly · 10/08/2026 23:06

It’s crap. But he’s young. Hopefully they break up, and he figures out what he actually wants to do.

Original poster
Fearandanxiety · 10/08/2026 23:06

Justonegirl · 10/08/2026 23:04

It could be a smart move on your son's part. He needs a plan though.

Interested to know why you think I could be a smart move, especially as he would have his tuition fees paid.

OP posts:
Justonegirl · 10/08/2026 23:04

It could be a smart move on your son's part. He needs a plan though.