Seeing my friend back in her relationship makes me sick

Not really sure what you mean here, there’s no requirement to be a miracle worker from what I said? To put a heart on a photo or nod along to a story so that, if needed, her friend knows she has support?

the friend is in an abusive relationship and to reduce it to making it about deliberate choices shows a lack of understanding of the severity of her situation. Of course anyone can choose to cut people off to protect their own peace but I’m just pointing out that can be a choice with consequences

That is not fair to put on the op the friend is making deliberate choices the op is not a miracle worker

I think you need to tell your friend that you don't want a person in your life who has treated her so badly. That while you love her, value her and want to stay connected with her, you can't socialise with him yourself.
As far as the pictures and talking about him go, I would try to tolerate this. Because if you close it down she won't feel able to disclose to you when things go bad again and will have lost a valuable means of support if she needs to leave in future.
If it were me, I'd just respond neutrally with, I'm glad it's going OK or similar. Any overt negativity is, in her current state of mind, going to place you in the camp of people who don't understand and are 'against them' and will make her less likely to trust you when you talk to her about the red flags of renewed abuse you will almost inevitably start seeing.

I completely get why you’d feel this way.

But you have to try and remember that you are different people.

You would not allow yourself to be disrespected like this but she is obviously happy to be treated this way.

Tell her you don’t condone this relationship because you struggle that she has such little respect for herself but if she’s happy to be treated like this then that’s her choice.

I would back off from the relationship a bit.
If she sends photos then just read and ignore or just send a thumb emoji.

I fell out with my LT friend who was in a very controlling relationship.
It was a hard decision because she had already fallen out/been isolated from all her other friends and family.
But it was impacting me and I had to put myself first.
My friend was choosing to be in a controlling relationship but I was not, so why was I affected and so involved - so I decided to just back off and stopped seeing her.

It's awkward for you but she is telling you she needs you to be witness to their relationships. She needs you more than ever. She is in such a dangerous situation.
I would tolerate the situation. Stay away from him but keep her close. Answer the phone when she calls - check in with her.
You will not convince her to leave him so you need to be there when he beats her up again.
Can you do a background check on him?

This is such a tricky situation! I completely understand your frustration that she has chosen to go back to this arsehole! But he will likely try and ostracise her from her friends and family which will make it even more difficult for her to leave again! You do need to protect your own mental health so could you maybe not really engage with her lovey dovey pictures and just use a emoji to a knowledge it?

seems like this is not the popular opinion on this thread but my view is: next time he beats her up, she needs to know she has people she can speak to. And maybe the time after that.
it might be painful for you to see her with this man, but it would be more painful for you to find out she stayed with him for longer because she had no one she felt safe to speak with in future. Is it that hard to just react to her photo with a heart, nod along to happy stories? I’m not saying you should befriend the guy but isolating her would be dangerous.

Yes. Stop beating around the bush and tell her directly that you can't condone their relationship and that you don't want to hear his name or about their relationship. Or, you could cut her out.

I was thinking the same thing.
Most murder victims know their killers and domestic killing especially of women is sadly common. I would keep the door open for her if she brings other things to your friendship, not only her latest dramas.
If it was constant he loves me, he hit me and it is 100% about her everytime you speak I'd let her go out of my life.
Shen needs to get help, if she wants it, but you aren't the sticking plaster to fix things, nor should you be.

Exactly. At some point it does become a choice. And it’s not fair of them to expect their friends and family to continue to expose themselves to abusive behaviour.

You can only tell her that you will be there for her when he beats her up next time, and you just hope you won't have to identify her body.

There is only so long people can put up with others deliberate bad choices

And what victims of domestic abuse also need to understand is that it rarely affects just them. It also affects their children, friends and family to witness their inability to prioritise their own safety and security. And sometimes the people around them can’t cope with being witnesses to abuse for years on end, especially in cases where the victim has escaped and makes a choice to go back.

This happened to me. A good friend went back to a lazy, creepy, sleazy guy and said she doesn’t care what other people think about her relationship. She kept trying to arrange meet ups with us and him and the one time I went he made disgusting, sexual jokes all night to the entire group.

We are not friends anymore. I don’t have to have a sleazy creep in my life just because she chooses to have one in hers, and it became clear that they came as a pair so that was that.

I no doubt have the wrong approach I wouldnt block her or anything but id be very direct.

I'd literally reply with
"Why are you sending this to me? We both knwo you arent in love- you are scared of him and hes abusive"
"a man who punches you doesnt love you"
"He's abusive and controlling you don't have to live like this and you should leave"
"You know you need to leave him - he's abusive and will hurt you again."
"I love and care about you so I am not going to pretend this is all fine. You can send all the hand holding pics you want hes abusive and beats you"

I’m pretty sure if you look at your friendship dispassionately, she’s a crap friend. I’ll bet it’s all about her and her latest drama.

If you tell her you don’t want to hear a thing about her shitty relationship or her shitty boyfriend, and you actually stick to that, she’ll go and find someone else to suck the energy out of.

There is only so much someone can live through someone elses relationship friendship should be mutual and not all one sided, if it is great put up with it but I would really doubt it in this case

Tell her she's a fool and you don't want to hear a single thing about him or their relationship - and if she can't do that walk away from her.

Your approach is understandable but if you learn about domestic abuse, you'll know it's not as simple as this

No woman chooses to be abused

Blame rests entirely with the perpetrator, not the victim / survivor

Think it takes an average of 7 times to leave an abusive part er so this could go on for a while. Very frustrating for others - l would say what pp have said, be honest with her but make sure she knows you are there when it goes wrong, especially as we all know he may try to isolate her, particularly if he knows you don't like him.

Tell her you won’t enable her by being supportive of this new round of her relationship. That you’ll be there when it goes tits up again but in the mean time you don’t want to see or hear anything about him. If she pulls back then go with it, but make it clear you’ll be there if she needs you.

I would just block her sadly it happens all the time, they never learn so unless you want to keep on having to pick up the pieces when it constatly goes wrong and she continues on the picking bad ones cycle not much you can do just hope there is no children to follow her lead

I would imagine the pictures of them “loved up” are her trying to convince herself as well as you that that’s the reality.

Id just say “Sally I want you to be happy. I accept you’re back with Dave. However - I also know how this story ends and so whilst I’m here for you I don’t want to be part of the Sally/Dave narrative. That means no pictures or meeting him”.

I think you have to be honest with her that you think she's made a big mistake getting back with him. Try and keep a line of communication with her though, he will try and isolate her from friends and family.