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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to give up on having friends?

29 replies

TheFairCat · 10/08/2026 17:07

I’m in my late 40s with two primary aged children. Both have some additional needs, the eldest has quite complex needs.

I’m someone that probably comes across as confident and chatty and good at making friends, but I’m actually very socially anxious and find maintaining friendships quite effortful.

As I’ve got older and our kids’ needs more pronounced I’ve given up on having much of a social life. This is mainly because I’m exhausted and skint, find I have little in common with many of my peers and also because my eldest really struggles to go to sleep and can only do it with me there, so evenings out aren’t really a thing.

I’ve made my peace with this and in some ways it’s almost a relief. I more than made up for it in my teens, twenties and thirties and I just don’t have the energy for the effort it requires any more.

However, having friends is still really important to me and I have built up a small group of friends with similar aged children and we often spend time together with the kids (very occasionally without). They are separate friends (not a group) that I have met over the years in a variety of places.

I feel like there has been always been a bit of a dynamic in my friendships where I make more effort than anyone else. That I am always the one to message first, suggest things to do etc. When there was a big group of us I was the ‘organiser’ etc. I often don’t notice this until I go through a bit of a rough patch and haven’t got the time/energy/bandwidth to message people and all of a sudden it dries up. I think I’m a fairly low maintenance friend on the whole. It was very painful when we first started having significant difficulties with our children and I basically didn’t see a lot of my friends for dust. Some of these people I had know for 15-20 years. I know this is a common experience but it hurts nonetheless.

I thought I had been more careful with my more recent (in the last 5-10 years) friends. Many of them have children with additional needs and I tried to be more open with them from the get go etc. Things have been pretty settled for a while now and I thought I’d found my tribe.

I’ve realised recently though, that’s it’s fallen into the same pattern. If I didn’t message them I’m not sure how long it would take them to message me, or if they even would! It’s further complicated by the fact that my daughter is keen to see their children and is asking me all
the time when we’re seeing them. When I do message them they always seem quite keen and when we meet up we have a lovely time.

I feel like I just want to give up
and become a hermit. I’m a nice person! I like a laugh and the odd glass of wine. I’m loyal and reliable and nothing much shocks me. I don’t think I’m dull or needy or overly whiny…

I want to give up, but my daughter just isn’t developmentally or socially ready to make her own friends and her opportunities are limited. So I’d be giving up for both of us and she is so sweet natured and socially motivated, that is a bit heartbreaking too!

What to do!?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFairCat · 10/08/2026 17:48

BluntButEmpathic · 10/08/2026 17:26

I think you should crack on with contacting people when you have the energy, especially when your daughter wants to see their kids and you have a nice time together when you do get together. I think making friends in adulthood is challenging and it sounds as though you’ve done a really good job of gathering a group of good people to connect with. If they also have kids with additional needs I guess they also have their plates full, and perhaps you haven’t stumbled across anyone who has the bandwidth to be reaching out to other people. I know it’s hard, but maybe you could try to reach out a bit when you are struggling, and be honest that you are struggling. You might at least receive an empathic text even if they don’t have the spoons to offer further support.

Thank you, this is good advice. I did a lot of reflecting after losing so many long term friendships when things got tough. I realised that I do have a tendency to want to be self sufficient and not be a nuisance or drain on other people, so perhaps don’t always share when things are a little bit tricky - just give the impression all is grand and life is good. Then when things got properly tricky and I really did need some support that just wasn’t the dynamic of my friendships and it felt like people didn’t want to hear it.

These friendships should be different as they were forged in difficult times and I have tried really hard not to develop that dynamic, but it seems to have happened any way.

I worry that I try too hard, or maybe over estimate how important I am to other people. I don’t want to be a bad example to my kids either. My eldest particularly is a born people pleaser. She is prone to high masking/fawning and I want her to feel able to be herself and not worry so much about what other people think of her.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 10/08/2026 17:47

I don't know why you feel you have to 'give up'. I mean this kindly but you're making it more dramatic than it needs to be.

You're in a difficult patch or your life. A lot of us struggle to keep up with friends when we are juggling work, children, whatever else is going on in our lives. It is what it is, it's frustrating but its entirely normal.

Just roll with it and accept it for what it is. Keeping score of who invited whom first is just going to drive you nuts. There are perfectly sane and practical reasons why people sometimes withdraw a bit. You have to be prepared to give people a bit of flex in their lives.

Sometimes you have to let people go a bit and then come back when they're ready.

Lizzbear · 10/08/2026 17:33

I feel you. I’m a bit like this. I never really wait too long before contacting friends again, so maybe I’m scared to find out if they would actually contact me or not.

BluntButEmpathic · 10/08/2026 17:26

I think you should crack on with contacting people when you have the energy, especially when your daughter wants to see their kids and you have a nice time together when you do get together. I think making friends in adulthood is challenging and it sounds as though you’ve done a really good job of gathering a group of good people to connect with. If they also have kids with additional needs I guess they also have their plates full, and perhaps you haven’t stumbled across anyone who has the bandwidth to be reaching out to other people. I know it’s hard, but maybe you could try to reach out a bit when you are struggling, and be honest that you are struggling. You might at least receive an empathic text even if they don’t have the spoons to offer further support.

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