Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

Christ, mine would have gone ballistic if I'd ever asked about them!

The last time I knew how much my father earned, I was about 10 years old and it was £2,500pa. That was a decent salary in 1965...

Where no new children were going to be created it probably would have been better for OP and the dad to not get married. Much easier for inheritance purposes to keep assets separate then.

I don’t get why people don’t get it. It’s has nothing to do with people entitled in general, or other gifts to friends or whatever.

It’s not simple as oh well as long as DS gets support from his father it’s none of his business what his father does after that. He is his father and he’s living with two other kids. SS is going to have some negative feelings about that

i was very lucky to have two extremely devoted parents and I am a devoted parent. I think we underestimate how big it is to have your dad playing dad to other kids while you are growing up

Wanting to know the ins and outs of finances when it comes to shared marital income and spending is different to knowing about a trust fund (or whatever it is) which they will benefit from. The first is unreasonable. The second is reasonable.

I think, though. the problem is that in the DSS' eyes, those two things have become merged, such that he is seeing his step-siblings benefitting from a lifestyle which his grandfather's fortune has fed into.

I agree that the DH needs to sit down and set out the parameters of what the DSS has secured for him by his grandfather, and to differentiate that. And also take the opportunity to admit that blending has brought new tensions and actually ask his son how he feels this new blended family has worked for him, perhaps then trying to address any areas that have caused hurt or a sense of rejection or dislocation.

It strikes me the money has been chosen as a way of raising other issues.

Exactly.

The grandchild is definitely not going without why do you think that? There is nothing on Ops posts to suggest that rather the contrary.
The income was the assets are for the OPs husband and his siblings go spend any way they wish and the OPs husband has his own income that has nothing to do with his father. He can give it all away if he wants. Spending some of his income on his stepchildren isn't taking anything away from the step son he and his cousin will eventually inherit the assets from the grandfather. OPs husband and his siblings can't touch that.

I’m not saying that the son is entitled to his father’s financial records, or that the request is justified. He isn’t, and it isn’t.

What I’m saying is that DH should probably stop doing things like asking for invites for his stepchildren when they explicitly haven’t been invited, and paying for school trips. His son is seeing this as his father treating stepchildren as if they’re his own children, and he’s hurt by it.

Wanting to know the ins and outs of finances when it comes to shared marital income and spending is different to knowing about a trust fund (or whatever it is) which they will benefit from. The first is unreasonable. The second is reasonable.

The SS needs the latter explained (or explained again) to him and the difference made clear. Then I think your husband should ask him what it’s really about and where this is coming from - and make clear what is and isn’t acceptable.

I also think you’ve done yourself and a disservice describing your child’s trip as something their step father has funded.

Is it reasonable then that OP's DH needs to keep a spreadsheet of every single penny spent on the shared home with OP and her kids in order to maintain a relationship with his son then? And show it to the son on a monthly basis to ensure that the step-kids haven't had any extras? Where does it end? Can he get a contract written up that his dad's income is to only fund the very very bare necessities of the household bills? Therefore, if OP wants her children to live off food other than Pot Noodles, she needs to ensure that this is fully funded by herself and that the husband's income hasn't contributed to it? If his dad has bought one of the step-kids a McDonald's, does that need adding the the amount that the DS needs reimbursing?

I'm not saying OP's husband shouldn't sit down with the son and discuss, but the son's demands are utterly ludicrous.

Arguably his actual children should matter more to the DH than his stepchildren. If being ‘lovely’ to his stepchildren hurts his children, then it isn’t ’lovely’.

OP’s DH really doesn’t have the luxury of just dismissing his child’s feelings if he wants to have a good relationship, or have a relationship, with him.

Yes... but then it's so much easier to call the kid a spoilt scrote than to accept as parents we have profound responsibilities - that go waaaay beyond just financial.

Again though, you are straight into the financials.

Parenting is a lot more than paying...

Sure, he can feel however he feels. I’m not arguing as to whether how he feels is right or wrong, because either way it won’t change anything. I’m also not saying that he entitled to demand anything when it comes to his father’s personal finances. He isn’t.

What I am saying is that ignoring and dismissing him isn’t going to make this issue go away, or make him feel how OP’s DH would prefer him to.

If the DH values the relationship with his son and wants to ease the strain on it, then he would be wise to listen to what is being communicated. While he doesn’t need to give in to his son’s demands regarding hanging over financial documents, he probably should stop doing things like asking for invitations for his stepchildren and paying for school trips.

How am I projecting? What a stupid thing to say.

Those of you who are claiming an 18 year old to be grabby or think he should be told to fuck off seem to have completely overlooked the fact that he may be coming from a place of insecurity. It doesn’t take a genius to work that out. Christ, that’s the main issue in step families.

I see what you mean but there is no indication here that this lad's dad hasn't looked out for him. He has supported him and his sibling financially - very significantly. OP has implied that. There's clearly significant funds to go around. If a large portion of it has gone on the biological kids (as it should), then what's the problem if some surplus is spent on a treat for OP's kid? I imagine what has been spent on the OP's kids is a drop in the water compared to the biological kids (as it should be).

If the dad was trying to split everything 4 ways between his kids and the OP's kids I would understand the issues. But that does not appear to be the case. The son appears to feel entitled to every penny that is spent by his father, and is veering into actively picking on the OP'S children every time he hears that they have done something nice. I am curious if the OP's children are aware as to what is going on. They seem to be younger than the step-son and I would feel quite intimidated in their position.

And that's the nub of it: people get defensive and would rather blame a child than accept they need to manage these transitions with the child's needs foremost.

That's the responsibility - and constraint - you take when becoming a parent.

Of course we all do. But for the lucky ones, those things are not inflicted on us because our own parents haven't looked out for us.

That is very emotionally different from misfortune in the general course, and has a destabilising effect for which I think it is unfair to then turn round and blame the child for.

I expect this is all coming to a head because as he comes of age he feels finally able to voice that hurt. Yes, he has chosen money as a topic through which to raise the issue, but no doubt he subconsciously feels it looks more grown up and factual, which would be an attractive feature for someone with very raw feelings.

Our parents are our most critical source of stability and love as we develop, and people are far too swift to downplay the damage of having that disrupted.

Once again, tiny violins. Hopefully he grows up and matures a bit. Maybe one day he'll have a marriage go wrong and fall in love a second time. Hopefully nobody thinks he's the scum of the earth for it.

did FIL expect the money from the income be spend on his grandchildren, not someone else’s? Your Stepson asking about finances would make sense if there’s a condition this money should be spent on housing and keeping him not someone else’s children.

The answer to your first question is almost certainly yes: the GF would have envisaged the money would be supporting his son and his bio family.

As to the condition, I wondered something similar, but this would be more likely in the case of a trust distribution direct from the corpus of the Trust, rather than in the form of dividend (if that is what is even happening), particulary in the case of a discretionary trust.

But the ss isn't wrong to have questions around it all.

I think the DH should sit him down and put him clearly in the picture. After all, he is a beneficiary of the Trust of his GF's estate. This would be a gentler - and more mature - way of addressing the attitude as opposed to "telling the little scrote where to go" and other low emotional eq approaches suggested on here.

It may also give the DSS an opportunity to open up about any feelings of rejection he may be experiencing in the new family set-up. Given the dribs and drabs of info about trips he was not included on, being asked to move from the family table at the wedding and the very fact OP is on MN starting threads canvassing for criticism of his behaviour, I should think this might be a key issue at the heart of these developments.

But he can resent it all he likes. Nobody gets to have the perfect life. We all have stuff happen in our life that is a pain in the arse or upsetting. It doesn't give him the right to start eyeing up OP's assets when she is alive and well. OP or her kids could end up in an accident at any moment and end up disabled, unable to work and needing permanent lifelong care. Would he still expect a large amount of OP's share of the assets to be ring-fenced to him in this situation? I presume he would, all because his step-siblings got to have a few nice holidays at the expense of his daddy.

Well no, it isn’t. Not for his actual children, anyway.

Even if there is a stipulation in the trust fund that the income generated should only be used for the benefit of the biological children and grandchildren, I imagine the step-son would still find issue with his dad spending money generated from his own business on his step-kids. £4000 on a ski trip is £4000 on a ski trip whether it's come from the trust fund or whether it's come from money his dad has earned himself. There's clearly plenty to go around, the son gets an incredible amount of support as does his sibling. They get significant financial support and their dad ensures to have holidays with just his kids and not the blended family. Despite all of this, there is clearly some surplus to treat OP's kids to some nice life experiences too, and that's bloody lovely.

It’s an action that is likely being perceived as parental, the same as shoehorning them into the wedding. He’s seeing his father take on a parental role to OP’s children, and resents it.

From what I understand- the grandchildren have inherited a property/business. But the income from the business is paid to the children of the grandfather, with a condition when the children die, the property/business is sold and the profits go to the grandchildren.

if the step son owns a share of a business/property but can’t get any income from it or sell it, it still might effect what he can borrow, OP has this come up while ss is applying for uni finance?! did FIL expect the money from the income be spend on his grandchildren, not someone else’s? Your Stepson asking about finances would make sense if there’s a condition this money should be spent on housing and keeping him not someone else’s children.

Wonder if their dad reduced CMS payments when OP moved in?