Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

What an arrogant, entitled brat! Its not his money and is none of his business.
Has your husband spoilt him?

of course he’s being cheeky & entitled but just wondering if this is his thinking you as wife will inherit the entire estate and he will get nothing?

You explain absolutely nothing to him. He has no right to your financial information & think very carefully because disclosing out of "kindness". That would set a precedent that will jump up & bite you often in the future. Step son is sending a clear message about who he is & what's important to him. BELIEVE HIM.

what are the terms of this thing "... that is not quite a trust..." and how does it affect your husband and his children from a previous relationship?

After your updates I wonder if this isn’t about money at all but more about attention

does he see your DH acting as the father figure to your kids that he wished he had been to him? Does he actually see your kids as replacements? Has he spent more time with your kids than his own over the last 5 or so years? Has there been any point where your SS has felt let down or neglected by his dad?

The fact your DH is ‘devastated’ and questioning his relationship with the son seems like a massive overreaction tbh and I would question how a father could even be questioning the relationship at all

So its an asset which your DH doesnt own but has the full benefit of the income derived from it. The asset will then pass to his children when he passes. No choice in the matter. Your DH CANNOT sell or reduce the asset in any way.

OK, so as long as he doesnt try to reduce or sell it his DS has zero input on what he does with it. He needs to make this clear to his DS. He can burn the extra for all it matters. He just cant deplete it.

Please tell your husband not to overreact. An 18-year-old is still very much a child and probably somebody has whispered in his ear and dropped poison about stepfamilies. His father should take him out for dinner and talk him through family finances in a very broad way so that the son knows how things are structured, how it will work after your husband's death and importantly that your husband is allowed to spend his own money as he chooses and that it is normal for couples to spend money on each other. Please get him to try and treat it as an immature youngster rather than a malevolent grasping adult.

we don't have anything like the resources that you sound as that you do, but at one point one of my children said something like we should top up their at ISA allowances rather than building savings for their eventual house deposits in an account that was paying tax at higher rate rates. Whilst I could see it made sense to him, I was very quick to shut him down and say it was our money and it would be until we gave it to them if we chose to and I didn't feel that I had to cut him off at that point!

totally agree, my first thought was that it must have been a knife in the heart to your DH

Oh actually I misunderstood the set up. There are assets. Say houses with a rental income. Each month money is made, that money is then split between 4 siblings. On their death. All the houses get sold so that money that is generated is not a part of the pot being inherited by the grandchildren at all. It is the children/parents to with entirely as they please. They could give it to charity. They could wipe their arse with it. They could save it. Invest it. Whatever it is entirely their own money and their use of it has no impact on the original assets or their ability to be passed down to the grandchildren.

So it's got even LESS to do with greedy young man what his dad spends his own money on!

Just tell him he won't be inheriting from his dad so not to worry about what his dad does with his own money. You don't actually have to write him out the will. But he clearly thinks his dad's money is his and his dad is just borrowing it.

That was my thinking too. I think there's more to this than meets the eye.

The stepson clearly thinks he's been treated unfairly - the OP says herself that he is 'bitter', so why is that if he's set to inherit very well indeed - and there's rarely smoke without fire.

Your first post is confused and only talks about stepchildren and not your own children and whether your current partner is the father of these or not.

I think it's a complex issue because although everyone has the right to leave money to who they want, most people also think that children should be treated equally where at all possible, and it is not obvious that this is the case.

The details given here are to vague to rush into a snap judgement.

But - unless the Op has deliberately not included that her husband has started selling off/damaging assets or creditors are involved - then surely the Remainderman doesn't have a say in how any income is spent.

This is a grab for part of your home if your husband dies prior to you. Is that marital property owned jointly or part of the not quite trust?

He sounds massively resentful and entitled. It's up to your husband to deal with him. He's basically wanting to audit you and your husband's financial life and affairs and that sounds insanely controlling.

This also doesn't sound like it's come from an 18 year old. It's from someone else and you'd better figure out who. They sure don't like you and your husband.

I'd go with husband and see a lawyer about this to see if there's any validity to SS's understanding of the financial setup and shut it down hard if not, and take mitigation steps if there is.

@Greenhairedmonstor - your answers are quite brief as is your right. But the fact that your DH seems to be thinking that this is the end of his relationship with his own children is odd and makes me a bit suspicious about how your DH is treating his DCs and whether your stepson’s concerns have more foundation than you’re making out.

Frankly, we’re all capable of being arseholes occasionally. Asking these questions should not bring an end to a loving/functional parent/child relationship. He shouldn’t be providing the information but why is he so keen to throw his own child(ren) away?

I agree.

I'd treat it as a miss understanding and poor social skills at 18 and in reponse - give information about how the not trust been set up - and then then see how they behave.

If they make further demands of income details or demands OP pay back anything then I'd talk about boundaries and cut off.

First take would be immature 18 year old perhaps a bit worried or wound up by someone else not understanding the situation and repsond with facts calm and expectation of better attitude going forward.

Though do agree best to come entirely from DH - the parent here.

Id better my bottom dollar there's loads more to this.

Your stepchildren are an embarrassment. How appallingly grabby.

But you are not covering yourself in glory either. Nobody has ever subsided me, I, like every other woman in the modern world have the freedom to make my own way in life. This is not the 1920's we no longer need subsiding!

It sounds as though your stepchild is a bit confused by the way the grandfather has set this all up and doesn't understand the difference between his father's inheritance and finances and his own inheritance.

Rather than being upset, I think your DH should just explain the difference.

Unless there is a restriction in this "not quite a trust" that limits how your husband spends the income he receives from it, how he spends it is none of his son's business. And how he spends his other income is definitely none of his son's business. I would love to know where your stepson has got the idea that his father's estate needs to be reimbursed for any money he has spent on your children. I've heard this kind of thing from clueless teenagers who think they know everything before. It may be that your stepson is being egged on by his clueless friends. Someone needs to explain to him that he has no right to know how his father spends his money and that he needs to back off unless he is happy to destroy his relationship with his father.

The son is wrong in the way he is going about this obviously, but I'd be hugely surprised if this came totally out of the blue. The OP hasn't said anything about how the relationship is normally, as to why the step son has come to the conclusion that his dad is spending extravagantly on the OP's children.

I would approach it the same way as if they just asked "what am i inheriting". None of your business is the reply.

Unless it was stipulated that it legally had to be passed onto the next generation it is down to your DH how he uses it and how he passes it on and by asking in such a way they are putting this at risk.

It needs nipped in the bud now so they are clear. Your DH needs to be clear, strong and supportive. Otherwise it will fester into a big issue.

On the face of it the stepson looks grabby. But it depends. If for example his half-siblings with the OP are all at eye-wateringly expensive private schools and he went to the local comp, or they all have ponies, or get taken away to Gstaad for the entire ski season etc etc then the SS might well see that as depletion of assets at his expense.

Has your SS got any grounds for thinking like this, OP?

Your step son is obviously being completely unreasonable here and your DH needs to tell him so in no uncertain terms.

But (unless there's a back story) it seems a bit OTT for your DH to say that this is the "end of their relationship". Surely he just needs to tell DSS to jog on? Lots of 18 year olds can be a bit selfish and entitled. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.

The proportion of the income which is your husband’s is his to use as he likes during his lifetime. He can spend it on his children, your children, put it in savings, spend it on lavish holidays or give it all away, and it is none of his children’s business.

It’s not diminishing the value of the underlying assets, so the idea of you reimbursing the estate for anything spent on your children is completely out of order. Would they say the same if he chose to give it all to charity?

I can understand your DH being gutted, but suggest that he take a few deep breaths and then calmly tell his child that he is out of order. Explain the terms of the trust and that there are no restrictions on how he spends his share (assuming there are not) and therefore his child has no right to know how he spends it, and there is absolutely no basis on which you or anyone would have to reimburse the estate, Then hope the child has the sense to accept this, and apologise,