Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

I don't disagree that your stepson is being a grabby dick, but unless there's a lot more to the story, your DH should not be writing off his relationship with his 18 year old son before exhausting every avenue to sort it out, starting by explaining properly how the trust actually works.

"This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover."

I think you actually need to deal with this more lightly. He is 18, he lacks maturity and insight. I think this needs a quick knock back - no of course he doesn't get oversight of his dad's finances, it's just silly. Say Ridikulus to the boggart. But do sit down with him and talk about any finances he does need to understand for the not-quite-trust thing as pertains to him. And if his dad can, he should reassure him that he is treating all his children fairly and that this is a priority.

My sister as a teen once, in all seriousness, suggested that our parents should sell their house and give her a quarter of the proceeds so she could buy a car. She's a decent human being who was going through a "brain a bit broken" stage of adolescence. She got the shirt shrift the idea deserved and they moved on. It's appalling the adults involved are talking about this as unforgivable.

It seems like SS fundamentally misunderstands how the assets, income and whole thing is set up. He seems to think what your DH gets is depleting the assets, rather than him receiving a fixed income.

The thing is, he needs to understand that if you and your kids weren’t in the picture, your DH would still be spending the money on whatever he wanted, be that his family, fancy cars, model trains, cocaine & hookers or prize guinea pigs.

Totally agree - do not get into this. It’s none of his business.

So many posters are glossing over the father’s apparent willingness to sever his relationship with his child(ren) over this. That is not how a loving parent talks or acts.

OP is giving very brief information about this all (and apparently not trying to prevent a breakdown of relationship between father and scarcely-an-adult child). I may have this completely wrong (and apologies to @Greenhairedmonstor if so) but i think there is a lot more to this than meets the eye.

No it’s not. Financial disclosure is based on the resident parent so his mums finances. His dads won’t come into it

I think there is more to this too. I can't imagine the SS has just randomly decided to bring this up when you have been married for years.

I suspect it's to do with the university funding and the fact that the father is claiming he can't afford to help out more when the SS can see that a substantial portion of the father's income is being spent subsidising OP and her children. I know technically the father can do as there are no stipulations on how this money is spent but it's pretty obvious that the spirit of the trust is that ultimately the assets should benefit the people within the biological family and not OP and her kids.

Blended families are messy. A blended family with a trust is doubly so.

I think your husband is taking the cocky attitude of an 18yr old way to seriously - and needs to put him in his place.

If my 17yr old came to.me.expecting any kind of accounting of my life she would very much get told where to go.

A problem with some step children - of which I am one - is they are given the impression that their parent is not allowed any kind of life outside of them. This can be true of all children (this place sees alot of entitled adult children)

The above shows that grandfather made provision for each of the cousins beyond their parents lifetime and he could perhaps be privy to that accounting- if the 'trustees' feel that is appropriate. But that is a list of assets. The revenue is not his concern as that will not become his at any stage and I assume is managed appropriately by the 'trustees'.

This is the warning shot OP! Do not under any circumstances talk to your stepchild or meet his request.

Now you know how you will be treated if your husband dies and you are left as the remaining spouse. Now you know, now you prepare. This is brutal but you need to protect yourself. What your stepson has asked is vile.

I think that SS has overstepped and been clumsy in his request. He needs redirecting on how to ask in a more sensitive manner. If he is asking about the future inheritance from his grandfather then I think it would be reasonable to explain in the way you have here. If he is asking about other finances then he’s a CF who needs some explanation about boundaries.

The dad has been married to the OP for three years, he subsidises her lifestyle and her children, and now he's thinking of severing ties with his own children.

Cinderella springs to mind more than grabby SS, tbh.

Does it relate to a financial assessment to go to university or similar? Financial support that the 18 year old needs?

That isn't what has been said at all. In the event of the deaths of all 4 siblings, these assets will be sold and the money split 4 ways to be inherited by the children of each of the 4 siblings. Should these assets be houses, the state of the housing market when the siblings have died will impact the sale value and this particular 18 year old's 1/8th of that will. Knowing the current income is irrelevant to an 18 year old without the maturity to approach the interest in a non combative way.

Could someone have put him up to it? His mother maybe? Or another family member?

It doesn’t have to spell the end of the relationship and I’m surprised that’s the immediate thought your husband had. Surely he has a calm conversation with SS and figures out what brought this up?

Hopefully this is a childish request and university will be a time of growing maturity.

Oh no! Shared finances between married people!

Yes I wonder if your DH isn’t contributing and your SS is upset because he is spending the money on your kids instead (as he sees it)

your DH needs to be the adult here

I see it like a house that the siblings own and rent out. The siblings share the income from the rent between them but can’t sell the house. When all the siblings have passed away, the children get the house to sell and share the money between them. ( Or something like that!!!)
in which case, the children wouldn’t appear to have any say in how the siblings spend the money that they receive as long as there’s no detriment to the asset that they own.

It's obvious someone in the family is mad about the husband spending money on OP and her kids and thinks it's excessive to the point they want monies paid back to husband's estate if husband dies.

But the not trust is generating money that he's should be able to spend how he chooses. What's generating that income will be sold on he and his siblings' deaths and distributed among the grandchildren.

SS wants an audit of husband's spending. It sounds like they want someone constantly overseeing his financial outgoings and I don't see how they can demand that unless the not trust has some thoroughly hinky conditions attached to distributions.

OP now knows if her husband dies before her, someone is out to cause her trouble. That will be far worse if there's a breakdown between father and his kids here.

Is this connected to the parental finance disclosure for university fees and loans? If your stepson is only entitled to the minimum amount of maintenance loan then he may feel that your DH should be contributing to their rent costs etc? It's pretty much impossible for any student to survive on the minimum loan without being topped up by parents

Wow. I know what I’d be saying to the stepson and it wouldn’t be: “of course you can! What a reasonable thing to ask for and expect!”

Fucking hell.

Jesus. People are so grabby.

Your stepchild has no right to his fathers information nor to command that what his father spends money on is repaid.

Id get his father to tell him that his behaviour is clearly showing he is not yet grown up and is unable to view things as an adult. And that even if he were his father is not his chattel

I think so too

My husband is devastated, elder stepchild seems very bitter.

He's 18 legally and according to MN an adult and in practise knows very little about anything.

If he's off to uni - his eyes and world view will in next few years undergo some big changes.

I'd suggest DH calmly tell him he's over stepped asking about income and bills - explain actual situation and keep some distance but door open and hope he grows up in next few years - and quietly try and figure out where this has come from- (suspect someone is shit stiring or worries about uni debt and living expenses)