Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

I disagree in part. Not that he's necessarily entitled to the money, but that he's not entitled to an explanation.

Entitled is perhaps the wrong word, but I think that a bit of simple transparency about how inherited finances work in a family where there are a lot of assets coming is no bad thing.

I have received significant lump sums from inherited shared family property, and now I need to work out from scratch the best way to manage them because "nobody talks about finances".

Don't get me wrong, part of that conversation can be, "how I spend my income from this is none of your business", but a bit of a chat about how it works is surely a good idea?

What a money grabbing little shit. It’s his dad’s money. He could take it all out of the bank and burn it note by note if he wanted to, and it would be nothing to do with his son!

Agreed.

I'm fast approaching 60 and only know a little about my elderly parent's finances now because one of them is self-funding in a nursing home. If it weren't for that, I still would have zero information about their financial situation.

This 18 year old needs to understand basic good manners - which include not enquiring, far less demanding, about others' finances.

Has your DH sat down with his ex and worked out how they are both going to financially support their DC through university? The inheritance/family trust issues are hopefully a long way off but I'm wondering if your SS was expecting more support from your DH when he starts uni hence the disappointment of the amount he's actually going to receive has prompted this unpleasantness?

Well it doesn't have to be, that's a, tad dramatic.

Jeff, the moeny in my bank is mine to spend on your and your brother and whoever else I choose. I will not be opening up my bank account to anyoens scrutiny, not even your grandfather! The only thing you need to know is when I die, you and your brother will inherit and whilst I'm alive I continue to support your mother in raising you and your brother". Risne and repeat and change the subject.

Well quite. It ain’t SS’s money if it’s his dad’s income. I suppose he is only 18 but he sounds a bit ridiculous. Why would a child expect their inheritance while their parent is still alive? Very odd.

i dont really understand what is going on so maybe the ss feels the same and just needs it explained to him?

presumably that the income generated is the boys fathers to spend as he sees fit.

that it’s the money from the inevitable sale of the assets that he and his brothers/cousins etc get a share of. ie providing the assets are kept in good condition ss’s share of the property is safe and not being eroded and he will receive it in due course. hes entitled to nothing just now per the will.

Jesus, I'd be tempted to get a lock on my bedroom door.

people are saying that my DH is contemplating severing ties with his children. He would be horrified by this . He adores his children.

You said ‘My husband is really upset and thinks this is the end of their relationship‘.

What did you mean by this and why are you now back tracking?

Your attitude has child estrangement tactics written all over it.

This doesn't seem complicated at all to me.

DH firmly tells SK that his finances are not his business and he's not dead yet so the inheritance is not his concern.

If he asks again he can tell him not be so bloody cheeky and end the conversation.

I would be very pissed off if I were the grandparent that my son was subsidising his wife's children who aren't my blood, and my actual grandchild is going without. I can see his point.

I agree, OP should not get involved at all.

I think your DH can simply say to his son that he is not going to discuss his day to day finances with him, that the terms of his Grandad’s Will obviously still stand and he has adequate provision made for himself and his sibling in his own Will. That there is no list kept of amounts he spends on his step-children and there will be no reimbursement of these amounts down the line. That he will continue to supports his children through Uni.

Your FIL left the money to his own children, SS can wait his turn for when the unfortunate time comes when he looses his own dad. Inheritance is never a given! SS is a cheeky greedy boy (to put it politely).

Op, I can see how upsetting this can be to your husband. I think there are two separate issues here: one is the grandfather’s asset which will pass to the grandchildren upon the death of all the husband’s siblings? Is that correct? If that is the case one can argue that SS may be entitled to access information about it. What his categorically not entitled to is to get info or any say on how your husband manages his derived income from the asset and his other income from his business not he is entitled to any “compensation” in the future after your husband’s death to recoup any money spent on you and your children. As far as the law is concerned, your husband can will all his assets except for the protected one from GF to you, your children or anyone else totally bypassing his biological children.

He is a young person who doesn't know the rules. Just tell him teh rules. He'll squirm when he thinks of this when he's older!

He doesn’t need to blow his relationship up. He just needs to speak to his son as an adult. Acknowledge that he’s not getting in to it and reassure him as it’s most likely based in jealousy.

’you asked to see my finances and you seem to be concerned about how I spend my money and how SC may be benefiting. You’re an adult now and so I’m talking to you man to man - and I need to be very clear, what I do with my money is none of your business. I will not be negotiating with you on what I spend my money on. It actually has upset me as it feels very entitled that you would ask to see that and think you have any opinion, but taking a step back I do wonder if there’s any jealousy here? Because I’m living with SC and maybe you’re worried that’s they’ve some how replaced you, I promise you they do not replace you. I love you and you’re the most important people to me. But I do not want to hear another word about how I spend my money.’

Can your dh just have a conversation with his kids, to let them know he doesn't need to get involved, his share is protected, and that the behaviour is making you all uncomfortable?

This money has made them greedy and entitled.

"That's none of your business" needs to become the default response.

He needs to set aside elset funds that he intends to support them with. So "you will 500 a month while you're at uni. You will get 20k towards your house deposit, you will get 10k towards a first wedding and you will get 5k towards a first child. That is all you will ever get. They will be gifts. You have no rights to my money or information on my finances. When I am dead you will inherit a share of the assets your grandparents left behind. I will spend my money on whatever and whoever I want and it is nothing to do with you."

This stepchild is now an adult, and very much needs to focus on making their own money and their own way in life, rather than basically seeing what they can get from their dad.

If your husband has chosen to spend money on your children as well as his own, that to me says that he is a good person - and in no way expects you to pay him back, unless it was specifically given as a loan.

The son sounds absolutely batshit and nasty.

Do people not converse anymore but go straight to ‘write him out the will’ ‘tell him to fuck off’

I'm guessing he doesn’t have a very good relationship with his son already if he’s not able to have a sensible conversation with him about this

there’s clearly jealousy and I would imagine that’s actually more about time than money but the latter is obviously easier to count

I would just say sorry son, you don't seem to undertsand how it works. Our money is our money and we'll spend it how we like. You don't get any say in it and we're not accountable to your for it. I am not sure what gave you the idea your were.

We inherited money from FiL, not you. And we'll decide how it will be split among the children, if there's anything left.

Now you go and build a fabulous future for yourself where you don't have to think about our money. We know you can do it.

I wonder whether stepchild's bitterness comes from a sense of frustration. It must be hard to know that there's a pot of money with your name on it, but you can't get any of it until your parent and their siblings all die - presumably a long way off.

If it is simply a cash asset, generating interest (which is being spent by your dh and his siblings - as is their right), then inflation will be depleting the value/spending power over time. But that changes nothing.

Presumably FIL set things up this way to ensure that his children got benefit from his assets, but that there would always be something left for dgc. Stepchild is fortunate it was done this way. It's just that he doesn't get to feel the benefit until the rest of the family have died.

He can’t just tell his own child to mind their own business without some sort of backlash.

That is not an appropriate question to ask another adult - and I will not be providing any further details - coming from DH his dad not you.

If there a back lash from that - well then there are bigger problems in relationship - try and wait it out and if it doesn't change in next few years well that's who he is and your DH and you will have to act accordingly.