Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

Think @Greenhairedmonstor people have misinterpreted your comment where i think you meant that DH fears that the DSS may sever the relationship.

I am also going to hazard a guess that the ex-wife has been in DSS’s ear.

Your DH needs to sit down and explain:

that the money he [DH] receives at the moment from the quasi trust is HIS to do with as he wishes, whether that be on hookers and cocaine, following the barmy army on tour, or on his complex blended family is his business

that the money from the underlying asset is unaffected and that he, the brother and cousins will receive their share as set out in the will.

that the money DH receives from the trust - his money - is naturally intermingled with income from his business, your money, and likely money provided by your DCs father. Ie that there is no separation of funds and apportionment that even a forensic accountant could untangle… because the money your DH receives is his. In law and in fact.

that aside from a provision for his wife upon his death - which he is entitled to make for you as a wife of potentially many decades by that point - any inheritance that DSS is due to receive from DH is unaffected. That step children have no rights of inheritance unless specifically named. And, should he so chose to leave them a little something in 30-40 years time, that is also his right as it would be HIS property and his right to leave it as he wishes, just as DSS’s mother can do the same with her estate.

And lastly, that there is absolutely no right in law that any one, adult or otherwise, may scrutinise the private financial affairs of another adult family member and the fact that he has asked he both rude and deeply hurtful. Should he wish to be supported by DH whilst at university, he might want to go away and think about that and come back with an apology because DH is struggling to cope with the level of betrayal and mistrust his DS is showing him.

There are some really hard of understanding posters out today OP, it seems clear to me, you are having to keep repeating yourself so many times!

But I don't see how this can be resolved unless SS would respond to a clear conversation with his dad.

I think your husband needs a frank conversation with him. Being an adult doesn’t entitle you to know your dad’s financial affairs. There’s no trust. He may inherit something it’s dh’s decision.
I suspect there’s been misinformation perhaps fuelled by mum that that’s a trust and he won’t need student loans.
He should be honest with ds that he is disappointed in how he has approached this.
I’d stay out of it.
Your husband financially helping him at uni is between him and his son. It sounds like he is helping.

Sorry too late to edit but I got it wrong. Grandparents have already passed. Their children have a life interest in the income. The grandchildren get the remainder once their parents die.

I agree with others who seem to be saying that the sons point is that when dad dies his widow has to "pay back the estate" for anything spent on her and her children which is a much wider issue than just the asset/income. Absolutely no legal merit in it either.

"You've said repeatedly that you don't think your stepchild's mother is behind it- not sure why several PPs have missed this. Cherchez la femme, I suppose." The OP also posted a few months ago that the mother had messaged saying that every time he spends money on the OP's children he is affecting his own children's future...

Wow. Perhaps your Husband should police every cent the son spends as it should be saved for his future kids and their inheritance.

She’s the OP's husband’s sister. Her father already died, leaving her the income that’s split with her brothers.

I think your husband needs to remind his son that income he has on top of his earnings, is his inheritance from his dad and nothing to do with his son.

His son may have two inheritances, a guaranteed one from his grandfather and perhaps one from his dad depending as it does for everyone, on how the economy and his savings pan out with retirement, care fees etc.

I don't think the stepchild is 'going without'. Their father also takes them on expensive holidays, will support them through uni etc. And the terms of the grandfather's not-quite-trust means that his biological grandchildren are guaranteed to inherit one day - as with all inheritances they just have to wait patiently until their own parent dies.

Oof, this thread is quite the ride. I think:

1. The stepchild (I don't think you've said which sex, but I'm going to go with the majority and assume male, because otherwise it's confusing) is still very young. He's more than likely to grow out of this, but does need the firm but fair explanation others have suggested about why he is not entitled to audit his father's spending.
2. No, he shouldn't be told to fuck off or deprived of any inheritance his father does control. That is not how good parents deal with their children, even when said children are being idiots.
3. Being a child of a "first family" (as I am) can lead to insecurity- it probably wouldn't hurt to think about why he might feel this way and what further reassurance, support and maybe just attention your DH could provide, would it OP?
4. That said, it is absolutely for your DH to resolve it- not you. If you get involved, you are accepting the premise that it's his business.
5. I think people are over-reacting to your comment about whether their relationship can recover- you're clearly not talking about DH abandoning him.
6. At the same time, your DH is over-reacting too- if entitled 18-year-old behaviour were insurmountable, wouldn't most of us be estranged from our parents?! I'd be telling DH to calm down and remember he's the actual grown-up.
7. You've said repeatedly that you don't think your stepchild's mother is behind it- not sure why several PPs have missed this. Cherchez la femme, I suppose.
8. Maybe a mad idea, but is there any role he could be given in looking after the assets? Might make him feel he's got some input and actually give him something to focus on that isn't sniping at what your kids get? Obviously if it's overseas bank accounts rather than rental properties here, not so much.

Firstly I wouldn’t get directly involved, that will just make it worse.

secondly I’m wondering what the precursor was to this request - did Dss ask his dad to pay in full for university and was told no because he had you to consider? Did the exw presume your dh would fund university even? I can’t believe it came out of nowhere and my suspicion is university could be a factor, was he told he must get loans?

I now think the whole asset thing is a red herring. Because he’s asking about who is paying for what when OP’s DD is taken out by her aunt. This speaks to a preoccupation with what OP’s children are getting and who pays, apparently regardless of him wanting for nothing.

Where is he going without?
The husband has his own income as well as this trust thing. He is entitled to spend his money on his wife and her children if he so chooses. Same as in any blended family.

Unless the not-trust has terms which oblige DH to account to his children for how the income is spent, or obliges him to spend it only in certain ways then the son isn't entitled to demand the details. The income is free for DH to spend on what he pleases.

His children will, on their grandparents deaths inherit the assets AND income from the assets. What is the concern of the son? That DH isn't properly maintaining the assets (if he is obliged to do so)? Or because he thinks DH has a moral obligation not to spend the income on anyone but the direct beneficiaries?

DH can just say no, I don't have to show you.

Apropos of nothing in particular SIL might be up shit creek when her parents kick the bucket and her passive income is suddenly cut off. Has she got a plan?

Yes. He's coming for you OP.
He's saying that he wants YOU to pay back any money from any benefit you get from your husbands will if he dies.. meaning accounting for how much your DH spends on your children who live with him (which could include their "share" of things like utility bills for eg) and he wants that amount from your inheritance paid back to him because he thinks you and your children do not deserve anything.
If he thinks like that now, imagine whqt he would be like when he's older. Especially as your DH is saying the relationship is over.

So you need a lawyer to make sure that you are protected and cannot be charged retrospectively for shared living expenses with your husband.

Dont talk to DSS about this.

Since he approached DH... DH should send him a legal letter, pointing out what DH's legal rights are for the record... but should also tell DSS that he is happy to speak to him and he should try and build bridges/get through to this boy.

DSS doesn't have the right to dictate what DH should have in his own will and I'm pretty sure a lawyer would say that he doesn't have the right to take money out of your inheritance from DH. He would have to sue you first anyway. But perhaps he needs to see that in black and white.

Someone has put him up to this.

Firstly, this sounds like a lovely DSF. He’s treating his step children well as he obviously cares for them, and he’s own kids are not deprived of a thing because of it.
If the books are opened to tally up what has been spent on his DSC, it’s the thin end of the wedge.

Trip to the Canaries was it? Should have gone to Skegness.
White fillings? Metal will do for you, you can’t spend my inheritance on that!
Ohhh the weekly shop was from M&S? Lidl not good enough for you?
You spent HOW MUCH on jewellery to mark you and SMs wedding anniversary????? 😱😱😱😱

I would be very pissed off if I were the grandparent that my son was subsidising his wife's children who aren't my blood, and my actual grandchild is going without.

What is the grandchild going without?

And the dh/son has an income from his own business which is nothing to do with the grandfather's legacy. If he chooses to spend some of that on his dsc, it's none of his son's business.

@Greenhairedmonstor
Ah, so it seems there's 2 things at play here. There's the grandfather's not-quite-trust, whereby stepchild will definitely inherit their share of the asset - one day.

That is straightforward to explain. Stepchild has no entitlement to see anything of your dh's income or how he spends it.

Then there's the ongoing resentment that your dh's current spending, including on you and your children, is depleting your dh's own savings / investments and that when he does eventually die there may be less left for stepchild. This needs a more subtle approach. Stepchild needs to grasp that without the benefit of a trust arrangement, there is never a guarantee that there will be anything to inherit. Your dh could spend it all on fast cars, he could have it invested and the stock market could crash, his business could go bankrupt, or if your dh needed residential care in his old age that could seriously eat into any savings.

How is your current home financed / owned? Does it pass to you if your dh died, or do you have a life-rent trust or similar? Or do you have no share in it? Perhaps your dh could re-assure his child that his will and the basis on which he owns property will ensure that his capital will be protected where possible. For most people their home is their most substantial asset, spending on a ski holiday or theatre trip now will pale into insignificance by comparison.

If stepchild's resentment and bitterness is based on jealousy of their father's time or attention, it is understandable. If it is based on their dad spending income now and having less inheritance to pass on (to someone who already has a guaranteed inheritance) then it is very grabby.

you could have said that you needed to think about it or asked questions about financial structures first?

Same. I've never known anything about my parents' finances. When they did give me some money towards my housing deposit they were very insistent on sending any paperwork directly to the solicitors so we didn't see any bank statements.

They recently let slip that they are in a position where we'll be paying substantial IHT and I tentatively suggested that if they were to pay off our mortgage and give the same to my brother now, that would be less than the IHT we'll pay if they don't, and make a huge difference to our lifestyles but they shut me down straight away.

When DS was 17 you said he made a comment about this school trip for you son being a case of spending his inheritance and that his mother messaged your husband saying that every time he spends on your children he is affecting his children's future. Your children are younger, not blood-related.Your DS has no bond to your children and clearly resents them. They did not want them attending a family wedding. They do not want a penny spent on you and your children which is why he wants to keep a log and take it back when his dad dies.

DH needs to talk to his son very patiently and clearly about how much he loves him, how his children are his priority but no one has a right to DH's earnings, none of you, and no one can predict the future so it is best not to rely on the idea of inheritance because that path leads to disappointment and a waste of time and energy. As it is he is very lucky to have his grandfather's legacy coming to him. Anything else is a total unknown but he will always be there as much as he can in terms of love and support (and he needs to mean that) but makes no financial promises other than not to act unfairly towards his children. This will not be solved with one conversation and your DH would also do well to try to calmly reason with his ex and persuade her to stop fuelling the flames.

I don't think you get it. The interest from the estate is his to do whatever he wants with, lose gambling, spend on fast cars, anything.

You could say that about the OP and her dependants 😂😂

As a PS, my parents sprung being POA on me and my husband when we were visiting - if I'm ever called upon to enact that, I will be completely at sea as to how their finances are structured!

This

This won't have come from nowhere. Your husband's son clearly feels hard done by, and for all we know that is perfectly valid. That your husband pays for your son's ski trip may sting, if the actual son hasn't had such things, and even if he has, I'd still feel that my father is spending money on a child who isn't his. It's also likely that the actual son doesn't live with the father and OP, whilst OP's kids DO - that will sting enormously.

I have every sympathy for the son. And as for cutting him out of the will for daring to ask - yuck. He is still so young. And as I said, this won't have come from nowhere. I don't think this is so much about the grandfather's legacy, as what his own father spends on other people as opposed to him.

Lucky you OP, and your kids - you seem to have landed on your feet.