Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

HNRTT but in the interests of maintaining relationships, your DCS could perhaps -

1. be directed to make whatever enquiries he needs to whoever is int he role of a trustee or who makes the distributions to illustrate the ditinction between the payments made to F1 generation members and that these can presumably properly be spent on living expenses as the DSC's aunt it doing and your DH is doing.

2. speak to your DH and explain why DSC thinks the 'living expenses' distributions made to your DH that may be spent on his DSC and your DCs would then become something that needs to be repaid to DSC after your DH passes. Does his aunt intend to reimburse her children if any for livong expenses. Try and get him to explain how the equivalent of your DH's life interest income in the DGP's estate would need repaying by you. Trying to explain something irrational might help him think again.

Good luck.

The OP said in April that she and her ex had been struggling to pay for an overseas school trip for her 11 yo DS, so DH paid for it. 17 yo DSS commented to the 11 yo that he was spending his inheritance. I imagine that is the extent of DSS' financial, legal and moral reasoning.

Has something specific triggered this? Is stepson disappointed with the support he’ll be getting for university? Or worried about this new stage of his life in some other way? If so, it’d be helpful to clear that up and lower the emotional temperature.

I think this is for DH to address. Ss has no inheritance until (if its have followed) his father and uncles and aunt all die?

In the mean time DH is entitled to spend his stipend on whatever he likes including his DSC.

Even as an adult DSS isnt entitled to this money or accounts related to it. I think DH should be telling him, its not an inheritance yet and DH will enjoy his money however he sees fit.

I think this is for DH to address. Ss has no inheritance until (if its have followed) his father and uncles and aunt all die?

In the mean time DH is entitled to spend his stipend on whatever he likes including his DSC.

Even as an adult DSS isnt entitled to this money or accounts related to it. I think DH should be telling him, its not an inheritance yet and DH will enjoy his money however he sees fit.

I think the grandfather’s trust is a red herring.

The stepson - possibly both step children - simply resent any money spent on the OP’s children.

Where that resentment comes from is the issue to be dealt with. I don’t believe it’s come from the children alone as most kids don’t think about finances like that.

Some other adult in their life has fed this idea about OP’s DH spending ‘family’ money on the OP. Ex wife, grandma, aunty, uncle? Could something have filtered down through a cousin?

DH needs to have a deep conversation with son to find out where this comes from and to clear up confusion about what the difference is between family assets, marital assets and day to day finances.

Only if you think that a child is entitled to every penny from their parent. Spending money on people other than the child is not replacing them.

Demanding to see your parent's finances is not a reasonable request.

But where should it stop?

Don’t book a holiday as less money for kids inheritabce
Don’t buy a new car
Don’t invest in wine
no, no new carpets for you

it’s a slippery slope and not how any child should want their parent to live their life.

It's for your DH to sort out. Grabby son needs to be reminded how lucky he is. His father has managed the money and assets well for his future benefit, and he doesn't get to question that. He sounds a resentful and entitled young man, was he spoiled?

The answer is no. And it's not up for discussion nor will it ever be.

I think your DH needs to remind his DS that until he dies, this money is his to spend as he sees fit, and if SS wants his university life subsidied, then he’s going to have to pull his head out of his arse and treat his father’s family with some respect.

Sure he is. And his bio child is entitled to feel he has been replaced and respond accordingly.

This !!! Just wow

Do you have any ideas where your SS has got the idea that his inheritance is being diminished? Obviously, it won't bc the capital remains intact. Does he understand that only the capital (which is fixed and can't go up or down) goes to him, the income belongs to his Dad.

Does SS have a particular concern, ie. that he won't get enough share of the income to support him through Uni, or fund a year off, or a business start up? Does he think the money is being 'frittered' rather than spent on things that improve/transform your (his) lives?

Obvs, it's it's within his father's gift to decide how he spends the income as it belongs to him, and that needs to be very clearly explained. You could even get an independent 3rd party to explain this to him if SS thinks he's being short-changed. Does the trust have a solicitor that could do this?

The assets will pass to the OP’s husband’s children AND the children of his siblings.

So multiple eventual beneficiaries.

Chances are the SS and a cousin have been discussing their eventual inheritance and the reality of things has got mangled along the way.

Regardless the income is for the OP’s husband to spend as he wishes.

Yes - OP has said she is independently wealthy, and her children have an involved actual father - why the hell would OP's husband pay for her child's ski trip!

I'm team bio son(s) here. He is no doubt at the end of his tether seeing his father playing happy families with kids who aren't his, I would bet his children have less because of it. Less time, less effort, less care, less money. He's possibly latched on to the finances as it is a clearer way to see the divide.
I see this all the time with men on their second families. I always feel sorry for thr children of the first marriage. They are mostly if not always hard done by.

Well, to look at it from the DSS's pov for a moment:
(and yes I do agree that their demand is unreasonable and inappropriate)

It must be quite hard to see your Dad, who has not been a f/t live in parent since the parental split, set up home with other younger children who do live with him most of the time except when at their own dad (EOW? Part of the hols?)

Children of first families frequently and often lose out on on inheritance when their Dad re-marries. Many of my friends have seen their dad's assets go solely to a younger second wife who then has NOT honoured the first children in her will, including in one case having inherited all the maternal inheritance from a deceased first wife).

And the truth is that he is supporting your children (to a degree)

Worry about this is likely to feed into feelings invoked by watching a new family take shape under your Dad's roof.

What was your DH's relationship with them like before?

I would look at de-escalating this, rather than cutting anyone off or spending all the assets as revenge etc.

I think he should meet up with them both and talk about how they are feeling.

And be honest that his relationship with you is making him happy, while as his own children, they will always be first and foremost the focus of his unconditional love.

Share with them the facts: That they WILL inherit the capital from the asset that FIL left. That will happen irrespective of his own Will. Tell them that he will be leaving his share of assets to them (I hope this is true?) and your children ate not in his Will, but that there may be a Life Interest (or whatever - if there is) that allows you to stay in the house after his death - because the house half belongs to you (if it does)

And say that you are both earning, both have your own property and it isn't reasonable for them to police his day to day spending and financial affairs.

It's not unusual for parents to inform their Dc of the direction of their Will.

They haven't behaved well, but I think a degree of resentment and insecurity is understandable and your DH can address this and calm the down.

18 year olds often get ahead of themselves in terms of what they think is reasonable - 'don't be daft' is a reasonable response.

This is really very simple. Your step son has no right to ask his father anything as regards finances, and has no right to see anything. So a firm NO is what is needed. Your husband may spend his own income and the income earned from the assets left by the grandfather as he sees fit. Including paying for holidays and gifts for your children.

The step son will inherit the assets of the 1/4 share the grandfather left when all 4 of the grandfather's children die. I presume there was a will or trust document. This can be shared with the step son.

The key bits are:

• My husband cannot deplete any assets.
• He can however, use any money generated as he sees fit.

The 18 year old is a cheeky monkey. As long as your husband doesn't deplete the assets there should not be a problem. 18 year old can be told to seek legal advice is he's not happy with the refusal of your husband to divulge his private business affairs. If he were my child I might be sufficiently annoyed to not give him anything from my estate (I presume your husband has his own assets which have nothing to do with the assets from the grandfather).

Well it's a fairly brutal way of looking at it but it's correct, he is. The more money he spends on kids that aren't his, the less he has for his own kids.

I'm pretty sure there is a mindset on here that people should do as much as possible to ringfence their inheritance for their own kids. It doesn't seem surprising to me that someone would want to protect their own kids future.

Meanwhile if I understand it correctly the stepkids he is spending money on effectively get funded by two fathers (?) The step father and their actual father whose contribution hasn't been mentioned so far.

How much money there is here makes a difference to me. If there is a lot then it seems greedy to try to grab more. If there is less then maybe more understandable.

Your husband’s son has no right to know about his finances, whether there is a stepmother involved or not.

Me and my husband have children together who are young adults, if they ever enquired into our finances the answer would be no because it’s not their business.

How watertight is the estate being left to just the SC? I wonder if another relative either has better knowledge or perhaps misinterpreted and it turns out the estate will go to the DH’s children and grandfather hadn’t thought to future proof subsequent marriages and more children being added into the mix. Maybe DH’s estate will actually have to split between his 2 birth children AND 2 step-children ? Or maybe he’s just pissed off his father Isn’t willing to support him through university but is spending his inheritance on his stepchildren. Either way, it’s an outlandish request, but a very obvious sign that stepson feels sidelined

Love this description of the DSS!

Ok so your stepson is being rude and unreasonable... but he is young and I imagine this is his clumsy way of telling his father that he's struggling with having a blended family.

He might legally be an adult, but he's watching his dad living with other children and playing happy families with them. That's a difficult pill to swallow.

I'd advise your husband to spend some time with him alone and to reassure him that he and his biological sibling will always be his top priority (just as I'm sure your children are your priority), and whilst he cares about his stepchildren, they will never replace his own children.

I have some sympathy with your SS (although he has clearly approached things in an immature way).

Firstly, having this trust where assets are ultimately going to be left to him, but with a lifetime interest for your DH - does he really understand how that works? Has anyone ever explained it to him? If he is named in the trust (which presumably he is, even if it's just as a "descendent of DH" then he should understand what that will mean for him in later life. Does he understand the difference between the assets themselves and the money they generate currently? I have exactly this situation, whereby assets have been left to me, but someone else has a lifetime interest, and it was quite important to me to understand it all (and the tax implications)....but then again I'm 59 and approaching retirement. Trusts can be really complicated! Particularly when you are 18 and probably have a very simplistic view of the world.

Secondly, there are all sorts of feelings to grapple with when you are part of a blended family (again, speaking from personal experience). Particularly if there is a hint of unfairness - you become very sensitive to it. This needs to be dealt with in an understanding way - just shutting him down will reinforce his fears.

But it's definitely your DH's problem to sort out, not yours.

I don't understand why your DH doesn't just tell him that he spends his money how he wishes, and DSC's inheritance will be whatever it is (and to wind his neck in). No need for that to be relationship-ending surely?