Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

I think this is one case that needs some really straight talking of the "you can't be serious...." type

Your DH just needs to spell it out to his DC,

"You surely know how this works - I get the income from all this for my lifetime, to spend how I wish, then you get all of it when I die....what on earth are you talking about, why should you be recompensed for anything?"

And then repeat.

If they think he should be saving his income/money to give to them then ask them "Why do you think you deserve all the money PLUS all the income, that is just greedy"

Repeat, "they will get an inheritance from the entirety of the trust, why do they think they deserve more?"

Then also "I spend some of this money on you and some on greenhairedmonstor, why do you think I should pay back the money spent on GHM and not on you, You at the end of the day will get ALL the assets, why do you want more"

And repeat.

This is born of being told by their DM that their money is being stolen from them which is just not true. They need putting right.

It's normal for assets from a grandparent to be passed down to their own children, with grandchildren only benefitting if they inherit from their own parents on death, or gifts during their lifetime. Your SS is lucky that this arrangement ring fences wealth for him in future.

Your DH needs to calm down and remember his son is young and seems to have unresolved feelings about his dad's relationship, no need for the drama about cutting contact. Your DH should be blunt, assuming he's middle aged and in good health, that any inheritance isn't coming SS way for another 30-40 years and shouldn't factor into his short-term plans. He could suggest how it might benefit SS longer term life choices like pension planning to help him understand what a privileged position he's in.

He's not entitled to benefit from or know details of income your DH receives from the estate now.

Has the 18 year old ever worked ?

I am wondering if he is asking due to;

Jobs disappearing due to Ai

How much it costs per year, per month to live
This was on the news recently, with pensionrs receiving the least at 12.5k annually

If he thinks he will receive an inheritance, does he need to work or can he travel the world endlessly (not taking into account care costs for elderly or inheritance tax)

Not many people have a Trust fund

Ai investments or give to a charity or global cause

Could be a combination of all the above

"...but so is the father living off the Trust"

I'm sorry, but I really don't understand your argument. The father does not appear to be doing that (although one sibling is said to do that).

This would have been set up under the grandfather's will (or perhaps earlier).

This is clearly what the grandfather intended - for his children to benefit from the income but not the capital. And the grandchildren to benefit from the capital but not the income.

"However the moral argument is two people (son and grandson) both arguing over inherited money."

It is not a moral argument at all. The grandfather clearly wanted the son to benefit from the income and the grandson to benefit from the capital.

But that isn't good enough for the grandson, he also wants to reclaim any of the income that isn't spent on him, his full brother or his mother.

That is just incredibly greedy and an attempt at controlling how his father spends his own money.

From the apparent fact the husband affords a nice big house, lavish holidays, trips for the step siblings and all this to 3 people who are strangers to the son. This is simple logic and anyone with a brain and wanting to be their parents priority N1 will be concerned about the lavish gifting daddy does.

DF's in his 90s but is very well-organised. We know where to find the information but he's still alive and has full capacity so I won't be asking him.

@Greenhairedmonstor your initial post is quite confusing - but essentially are you saying that:

• FIL's assets are held securely (in a "not-quite" trust) for his grandchildren;
• while your DH and his siblings live they receive income from those assets, but they can't touch the underlying assets;
• when DH or one of his siblings dies, then their children inherit their share of the underlying assets?

On the basis of what you describe it seems quite straightforward. Your DH receives some income and that is his to do as he pleases with. DSS will get his share (untouched) when DH dies. End of conversation.

So what is it that makes DSS think he has any reason at all to ask questions about how his father spends his own money? There must be more to it.

Which leads me to advise you to:

• stay out of it if you can - it's your DHs family issue to resolve (I understand you want to advise your DH, but defo don't talk to the step-children yourself)
• get a solicitor who (one who understands the legal arrangement that is in place, whatever it is) to look at it and clarify what the issue is, if any.
• your DH needs to have a calm conversation with his son to understand why DSS thinks he has a claim; if not then explain why; if he does, then they will have to come to some arrangement.

Absolutely this!

Your DH could remind his son that he should be happy that he didn’t marry someone who wanted more children, he could have had two or three half siblings to share the pot with !

To be honest if you are 63 I assume your dad is at least in his 80’s?
I’m currently sorting out my dad’s finances after his death and it’s a bloody nightmare. He kept everything secret so we actually have no idea what money he had where. I have spent hours trawling through boxes of papers (going back to 1954!) and I am still not on top of it.
There’s a thing called Swedish death cleansing which is a brilliant idea. Not sure how you would raise it with him though.

Where has this come from. It's a very odd thing for an 18 year old to be concerned with. Is he generally resentful of your relationship and your children? What does the 13 year old say?
Regardless, I think your husband needs to talk to his son to make it clear that he will get what he is entitled to , but that he will spend his money whichever way he wants and it's not SSs business.

I'm 63 and wouldn't dream of asking my DF about his finances. DSis has an idea as she helped with the inheritance ISA when DM died, but we would never discuss it.

1. Being a child of a "first family" (as I am) can lead to insecurity- it probably wouldn't hurt to think about why he might feel this way and what further reassurance, support and maybe just attention your DH could provide, would it OP?

No they don’t have all of their needs and wants met. I can guarantee you that like most children what they really want is for their mum and dad to live together and be a family.

So when your DH does something nice for your children it hurts because that is time/money/attention that they feel should be theirs. It doesn’t actually matter if they have £100000 a year spent on them inside they are still a little kid who is worried that dad loves someone else better.

I personally think your DH should talk to him and explain all about the trust and the money involved in it. After all isn’t it a parent’s responsibility to teach their kids about finance.

I do know what you mean to an extent. But demanding to know exactly how much money someone has spent on their own children is way way beyond reasonable.

Nobody has the right to access another person's private financial information or start some kind of amateur forensic accounting mission in order to establish if they feel they've been given 'what they deserve'.

And turning 18 makes someone an adult legally but not emotionally. It certainly doesn't make them financially responsible. Or entitled to know how someone else chooses to spend their money.

Could you imagine demanding one of your parents handed over their bank accounts and statements from the last two decades simply because you happened to have turned 18?!

The 18yo is an entitled brat and your DH needs to shut him down immediately. "No son, I will not be discussing my finances with you now or ever, do not ask again. It is my money and I could leave it all to the local cats home if I wanted to, I could blow it all on back to back cruises if I wanted to, basically I can do what I want with it and it is none of your business".

It probably is driven by his mother, who resents money spent on your DC, and she has instilled this into him.

There are two different things going on here.

As Baroness says, if there are assets held in some sort of trust with the children having a lifetime interest and it then passing to the grandchildren after the death of the children, then the grandchildren can ask the Trustees about the trust itself.

Are the children also the Trustees of the trust or are the Trustees separate? Eg maybe solicitors?

So DSS can ask the Trustees about what assets are held by the trust and what distributions have taken place to the children.

.

However, what he is not entitled to in any way at all is:

"... they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies."

What happens to the money once the Trust has given it to an individual child is purely down to that child - they can spend the money how they like.

A son demanding that his father account for money he spent on his second family and for that then to be reclaimed from the second wife is really just totally bizarre.

It sounds to me like the 18 year old has a poor understanding of the situation. Am I right @Greenhairedmonstor that essentially there’s an asset that will eventually be sold off and the grandchildren will benefit, and in the meanwhile there’s some income from the asset/business which goes to your husband and his siblings?

If I’m right then the only way that stepson has any potential of getting hold of that income is if his dad chooses to save it and then leaves it to him. If that’s the case I think dad needs to patiently explain that and also explain that yes he sometimes spends money on your kids, but most of it goes on ordinary living expenses and of course a lot on his own children. If he wasn’t married to you he might be spending that money on another girlfriend, or lots of expensive dates, a football seaso ticket, or taking a belated gap year or in fact whatever he likes. Your stepson needs to be disabused of the idea that his dad’s money is his while his dad is still alive.

I can’t help wondering if your stepson spends too much time online and has absorbed misogynistic ideas about women using men for their money.

Wow, my kids are all in their 20s and I can't imagine them ever asking to see our finances.
What arrogance.

Agreed he is being awful.

We inherited money from FiL, not you.

I'm not certain (without further detail) that that is in fact the case.

To me it sounds as though the grandchildren are in fact the primary beneficiaries and the father has an annuity.

You say you have an income from a rental (do you work?) and that your dc have a father, so why did your Dh pay for your child’s ski trip? I can understand your dss feeling resentful therefore. Presumably your Dh is supporting him financially to got to uni and he has no right to ask to see his dad’s finances, that is outrageous. This whole ‘end of the relationship’ is overly dramatic, but your dss sounds very resentful of money being spent on your dc, but that’s your DH’s choice. Would he object to money being spent on anything your Dh buys?

OP's husband cannot siphon money from his father's legacy to the grandchildren. The legacy is a protected asset which generates income. The asset was left to FIL's grandchildren and the income to his children. OP's husband is spending his income and inheritance not his child's.

@Greenhairedmonstor I just looked back at your April thread that a PP referee to and you mention that your DH’s ex wife specifically said to him that she feels any money spent on your children is money taken away from her children.

She is the source of this resentment your SS is feeling.

Your DH needs to have a conversation - probably several - with his son explaining that day to day income and spending is not his inheritance.

It sounds like for some reason your step child believes that you are with his Dad for money. I can’t imagine why else he would be asking who paid for show tickets, school trips etc
Your DH needs to explain to his DC that they have no entitlement to any money from the trust fund until he himself passes away.
Any financial information isn’t anyone else’s business until then, when the assets are sold and the proceeds split between all the children.
Whilst your DH Ex may not be ‘egging’ her child on, I do wonder what the narrative is from her…
I have a step Mother and Step siblings, I have no idea how they work finances in my Fathers household.. ie if he contributes to her kids/grandkids or if they only fund their own families presents etc
It’s none of my business and I can’t imagine why a child would feel so entitled as to ask to go through a parents finances whilst they have capacity etc
By being with your DH you may have nicer holidays etc then you would have alone etc but surely that’s the same in any marriage, one person does usually have more income/asset's especially second time around.
I don’t think it has to be the end of their relationship, your DH just needs to be honest
“Fred, i’m not sure why you feel entitled to my financial information, on my death the trust fund will be dissolved and the proceeds split between you and your sibling and your cousins.
Your Step Mum has property etc of her own which are also none of your concern , and how we work our finances is no ones business except ours.
If you are concerned about how you are going to manage at uni, shall we sit down and do a spreadsheet together so we can list your income, grants, allowance and what your expenditures will be because I’m concerned that you’re feeling under financial pressure”