Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

whereas in fact it's his dad's to spend as he pleases.

Well, it might be, but I think there is a question to be asked around that, which we can't answer because we don't know the exact basis on which the father is receiving funding from the trust, and how much discretion is built in, and who the trustees are etc.

I think the difference here from it being his father's self-earned income is that the money is coming from a settlement by his grandfather, who has clearly thought and planned carefully regarding his estate and succession. It is quite conceivable that the grandfather wanted his grandchildren to have a goodly chunk preserved for them - hence the arrangements re the corpus - but I would not necessarily expect the grandfather to have expected the boy's bio mother (ie; the mother of his grandchildren/ the op's dh's ex) to benefit. It is possible, but not something i would expect or assume. How much less likely, then, is it that the grandfather would expect the op, who is not the bio mother of his descendants to be benefitting as a beneficiary (again, not saying it isn't theoretically possible he might) or, as a step further removed, the dc of the op who are wholly unrelated to him - and whom he has quite possibly never met (though again, he might have). So I think where the funding has been provided via a mechanism in which the terms of the trust and the intentions of the settlor are critical, the son asks a reasonable question if he is wanting to know to what extent and on what basis those payments might be being made. It is more than possible the father is entitled to use those receipts as he wishes, but, given I expect they are, on balance, probably not what the settlor would wish, ascertaining clarity around it is not an unreasonable ask.

And as someone else pointed out, if the father is allowed to be territorial around inherited income, why can't his own son be territorial about his own inheritance?

Maybe start with some sympathy for the stepson. An intelligent 18 year old can see the way the world is and knowing what family resources are likely to be available to him will affect how he plans his time at uni.

Does he need to look for a part time job for pure financial reasons? What are the constraints on rent? Does he need to be looking at non-standard arrangements like being a lodger or the commercial house-sitting thing for cheaper accommodation? A long time ago it was a reasonable investment for a wealthy parent to buy a house for the student adult to live in with housemates in the second and third years - I don't know if that works financially now or is the sort of thing the stepson's parents could afford to do.

Does he need to learn to drive? Buy a car? Would he be better taking a course with a year in industry? Or taking a gap year to earn some money before going to uni?

Does he need help to open an ISA / other savings account or to buy shares (in an ISA)? He probably should open a Lifetime ISA with a small sum.

Does he need help finding a cheaper phone contract and learning other money saving ways of doing things?

So much of the rest of the future is too uncertain - he might want to do a Masters / he will probably want to buy a house at some point but not yet.

There's so much that could be said to help the stepson understand his financial position in the context of the family without going into how you and your husband organise your personal finances and split your costs.

Your DH should respond by making clear to the spoilt little shit that the inheritance will be split between his biological and step children and if s/he doesn’t like it, then they get nothing.

My step siblings were disinherited by my stepfather for their shitty attitude to my mum over a long period of time (their mum is wealthy though). He told them about it at the time and wrote an explanatory letter with his will.

It’s obviously not okay for him to ask to see his dad’s finances, but stepfamilies are complicated. When men remarry, they often take on the new family as their own, and I can see how, when there’s a lot of money involved, that could easily become a source of bad feeling. I’m not sure what can be done about it but my advice would be to stay out of it yourself. You and your children will be a big source of resentment here.

This has the makings of a vile family dispute over money .

Just make sure the DSS doesn't suggest you husband gives him lasting power of attorney. Otherwise it will be a real nightmare. Make sure you have made wills as well.

I would tell him he is very rude and showing his ignorance of adult behaviour requirements. He is young, stupid and rather entitled.

How do you know the OP deserves respect? We have absolutely no idea of her relationship with her stepchildren.
She isn’t coming across as overly bothered if her DH cuts all ties with his biological children.

For all the posters berating the stepchildren, that could be any of your own children if your husbands moved in with another woman who has her own children.

The stepson is also looking out for his younger brother.

The more I think about this the more I’m inclined to see your stepson’s concerns tbh.

I’m not expecting DH to do that, it would be awful. I’m just saying he should remind his son that he is entitled to nothing and anything that he is given is up to whether DH chooses to allow him to inherit. He needs to learn respect for his dad and for OP

I think it’s a bit extreme that your DH is already contemplating the end of a relationship with his child over this. He’s 18, not 20 or 38. He clearly still needs teaching about relationships, marriages, the value of money, priorities in life.

It’s all unreasonable of your DH to fear a backlash when answering his son’s request. Of course there’s going to be pushback, seeing as the boy had the cojones to ask in the first place. And? Who’s the parent in the room?

Theres something fatalistic and doom-laden about this as you describe it. It’s a rude and stupid question that was asked, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise given the boy is obviously worried about his inheritance. He just needs putting back in his place, that’s all. To be told what’s what and who is who, who calls the shots, what money is for and so on and so forth, including perhaps that if he continues down this arrogant path of thinking he’s entitled to wealth because of the sperm-based component of his DNA he may find out he gets none at all!

If your DH moves in with another woman who has her own kids, I doubt you’d be happy with your own suggestion!

This.

There are a lot of harsh words here. He is only 18, thinks he's now an adult and is pushing boundaries as such. I'm sure there is a gentle way to explain things to him. There's probably an emotional side to it too, maybe he feels pushed out by op's younger kids but it is easier to fight his corner on the money than to explain to dad that he feels a bit sidelined. He is very young, just a kid. All teens can be a bit ungrateful sometimes, doesn't mean we hate on them quite so much.

This.

No I'm not but I assume you've had a bad experience with a stepmother.

So your SS resents any money your husband spends on your children. I don’t think that is that unusual from stuff I’ve read here tbh. However the desire to have it levelled up does sound very calculated/ calculating.

Assuming your DH has spoken to him about it what’s his reasoning? That it’s just “not fair”. Could a blanket reassurance that SS will still likely receive a generous inheritance reassure him?

Something has either precipitated this or he really is a mean wee weasel…

Are you a stepmother? Have step kids?

It’s very much a case of ‘what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine’ with the many of them!

How are they going without? There is nothing saying what the money can and can't be spent on.

@Greenhairedmonstor
That no-good me-monster with his little grabby greedy hands
Should be told a firm no by his father whom he's let down and shamed with his attitude
Whilst father asks a solicitor about this scenario and the little monsters demands
And I'd personally do something on the inheritance front myself but that's me
Alongside a serving of truly cold-shoulder
As one is sooooo dissapointed and thought they were truly loved, not just because they worked their socks off and did alright by themselves and some who turned out to be ungrateful family members
But because they tried to be decent human beings

The OP’s stepchildren obviously have very concerned relatives who can see the stepchildren are low in the pecking order.

There will be far more to this than the OP’s over simplified account of events.

And the father should not be throwing money at kids who aren’t his or his younger kids while his older kids are being pushed further away.

How do you know that the OP's property is building equity? You don't even know what country it is in, let alone the state of the local economy and property market. And why have you decided that the OP is spending her DH's money rather than him in fact being the one who is in control of his finances? Why have you made these assumptions?

Does the SS not realise that his father can spend his own income on ten strippers, a chocolate teapot, a pet panther and half a can of Pepsi....and he's still got fuck all right to complain?

Maybe someone should educate the little twat darling on the difference between an asset and the income from an asset.

I suppose, at best, you can say a lot of us did/said pretty fucking stupid things at 18.

An 18 year old who fancies himself as a financial whizz kid. What a joke!!

If that is the case, the SS must be told very firmly that this won’t be happening and recouping funds spent on his father’s wife and her children it in the future is not legally enforceable and in any case even to suggest that is extremely disrespectful and preposterous. Regarding the trust income, it doesn’t sound that the dividend DH derives from it is as lavish as the SS might supposedly think as OP mentioned that SIL chose not to work due to this income and her lifestyle is fairly modest. It may be that SS overestimates it wildly and thus is resentful?

Personally if I were DH I would be reminding him that I could just leave everything to OP and would be well within my rights to do that.