Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

I highly doubt this is actually about the money, there will be a perceived unfairness that is just easier to attribute to money. Your husband needs to understand the root cause and address that. Saying he spends time with them and pays for them is glossing over it, there is always an imbalance somewhere in blended families so it’s just a question of finding it.

I think this is the empathetic response to the issue.

I think the DSS is unreasonable, but it must be really hard when your parent chooses to support someone elses kids. Its probably not really about the money & more the emotional side of it, that Dad is committing/dedicating a lot to you & your kids.

He's just out of short trousers!
It's none of your step child's business what a married couple spend their money on.

I'd be telling him it's all going to the dogs home. Grabby arse.
Best get himself a education and a job.

No I don't misunderstand. I am saying that income is only arising for the DH because his father provided for it.

It is also possible it is a case of the corpus for the grandchildren and an annuity for the children.

Your DH needs to explain calmly to his DS that there must be no more questions about who has paid for what. That stops now. It is not his business whether your DH pays for his step siblings school trip, buys himself a Rolex or books a top cabin on a cruise. None of his business.

He could remind his DS that if there is any more of this he will require him to produce a full list of what he has spent at uni for your DH to carefully scrutinise and approve - before he gets any money for the following term. Would he like that? No? Well he should have a think about what he’s demanding.

Actually wouldn't the logical conclusion just be to the extent of the value of what the father receives from the family inheritance/Grandfather's estate? Which I don't find as unreasonable as some others seem to.

The grandfather did the paternal thing and passed it down to the OP's DH.

"We don't even know what the "not-a-trust" is exactly."

True, but I would guess that it may be a Family Investment Company, perhaps with the shares contained within an immediate post-death interest trust. Or some sort of similar arrangement.

"But this portion of the father's estate is an inherited portion; that's different from what he earned."

I think that you might perhaps misunderstand the situation?

The income that the father derives from the estate cannot be inherited in any way and does not form any part of his estate. The right to any income dies when he dies.

The income is not inherited by his children. Instead, once all of the children have passed away then the capital is then inherited by the grandchildren (according to what the OP has said).

But the ex wife seems to regard all spending - no matter the source - not just income from the trust as taking away from her children.

Yes, well that is going too far.

But I can see how the bio mum and DSS might resent proceeds from his grandfather's estate going to unrelated dc. What his father earns is different.

However, no way would I be benefitting from this and then badmouthing the DSS for asking about it.

There obviously a lot more to this and a backstory that you have chosen to omit.

Your husband should be clear with his children how this thing works and how it will help them out in the future. That’s what grownup do.

I don’t understand what you mean about the house really but obviously your husband should want his share of the house to go to his children.

I think they are worried you are a gold digger.

There’s absolutely no way your husband should fall out with him children about this and if you’re decent, you’ll stay right out of it.

But the ex wife seems to regard all spending - no matter the source - not just income from the trust as taking away from her children.

Stepson is asking for any and all spending on OP and her kids to be deducted from his father’s whole estate - completely ignoring that OP and her DH are a married couple sharing finances - both working.

Now if the OP comes back and shares that the step kids have been denied ski trips and other treats that the OP’s kids are getting that’s a different story.

He needs to explain to his son that his money, is his money. He can spend it however he chooses. Whether that is on you and your children, holidays, card, gambling it all away! It’s not money just waiting for him to die to be passed on.

I think it shows how little his son thinks of his dad if all he cares about is money

Many children get disinherited when a parent remarries. Are you younger than DH? Did you buy a house together or did you move in?

If I understand you correctly, the original assets cannot be depleted by your DH or his siblings, and will be divided between the grandchildren at some point.

Your DH’s generation can never actually deplete or dispose of the assets, but they can use income generated from the assets as they see fit.

The grandchildren will actually receive the original assets or proceeds of their sale…so they will never have the ongoing income generated but will have the actual asset funds.

If so, your DH needs to explain, if need be have a solicitor write to this child, that there is no relationship between the two sources of income. The child has no more right to comment on what your DH does with the income generated than your DH does to liquidise the original assets.

If the child is bitter and upset, that’s another thing, but this is a really unintelligent way to express it. I know you say they are off to a good university, but they sound really thick to me.

You don’t know the source of the school trip money.

If you take the son’s position to its logical conclusion every penny the husband spends - be it buying a bottle of aftershave or a takeaway to be shared - is depleting the sons inheritance and the son should receive an itemised list of spending.

Obviously that is ridiculous.

maybe he thought his kids will do that anyway and won’t need instructions to put their kids first. like he put his kids first.

He should have, but mistakes happen. That doesn’t mean he’d be happy about this.

Legally yes. the man can spend how he wants. He can burn it if he wants.

but what does it say about him that he would do that and not prioritise his biological child.

this man is able to do that and spend it, BECAUSE his father ( the grandfather ) prioritised his children and made sure they were taken care of.

i highly doubt mumsnetters would be saying all this and not feel some type of way if this was their dad or the ex husband prioritising someone else’s kids before his own

I highly doubt mumsnetters would prioritise their husbands kids over their own

this man is able to do that and spend it, BECAUSE his father ( the grandfather ) prioritised his children and made sure they were taken care of.
i highly doubt mumsnetters would be saying all this and not feel some type of way if this was their dad or the ex husband prioritising someone else’s kids before his own
I highly doubt mumsnetters would prioritise their husbands kids over their own

Absolutely exactly this.

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Nothing is "very clear."

We don't even know what the "not-a-trust" is exactly.

But yes, you are right, I did mean ex-DH.

But this portion of the father's estate is an inherited portion; that's different from what he earned.

It sounds like the money spent on the OP and her dc comes from the income the DH receives. This is his money to do what he wants with.

he could gamble it, drink it, spiff it up a wall and his ds would have zero rights to complain or feel entitled to it.

i really feel for your husband here what a greedy little shit he’s raised. He needs to explain the situation and the trust and tell him that for the time being his finances are none of his son’s business. Secondly I hope you have something in writing for any shared assets should your husband meet an untimely end because that little arsehole will have you out on your arse clearly.

"...and certainly not berating his real GC for asking about the details."

Excuse me dad, I want a complete breakdown of how much of your money you spend on your new wife and family!

Oh, and by the way, every single penny that you spend on them, rather than me, then I expect to be reimbursed under your new wife's will.

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Just for context, this is what the DSS is asking for.

1st class entitled cheeky beggar, no way would I agree, unless of course he is somehow legally entitled to this information.

This behaviour is so entitled and quite shocking. Its none of their business. Your husband needs to be very firm about this.