Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

That's not 'except'. That's further information about why he's gone a looooong way beyond merely having an opinion.

And you're not summing up his situation when you leave out what is a pretty extraordinary request in any circumstances.

Except the bit that he has actually focused on in the money his dad is spending on SC, the money the Op casually refers to as subsiding their lifestyle.

The same child the Op wanted to leave the family table at a wedding to facilitate her DC. She wanted him to leave his own dad & aunt to go sit at a random table so her child could be looked after. I’d say that pretty much sums up his situation.

I would never do it. My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m surrounded my people that can’t have much longes for kids. I’d never move other children in with me while my kids were still kids and play happy families. It’s a horrible selfish thing to do.

Your SS is behaving abominably but I think your DH needs to be the one who lays down the law.

if they did start to express an opinion I'd be reconsidering my will.

My kids would have to do far more than express an opinion for me to disinherit them, or start punishing them financially. I never thought I was the unusual one in that, but this thread has made me wonder. Money makes madness but I did think the parental bond was somewhat stronger than that. Evidently not, for a startling number of people. How scary.

I feel deeply uncomfortable with the notion that my kids feel entitled to share an opinion on how I spend my money - be that on the neighbour's cat, my aunt's tree - it doesn't matter, it's not their money and if they did start to express an opinion I'd be reconsidering my will. That's not to say I'd go postal on this kid but he needs to be gently reminded that the money is not his.
Seems lots of inheritance threads on MN and lots of AC who think their parent's money belongs to them. It's a disgusting level of entitlement.

Mmm some of the language in this thread is bemusing.

Go nuclear, kick him in the goolies, entitled little shit, obnoxious little prick, grabby little scrote, (he does always seem to be "little", for some reason, maybe they haven't forgotten that he's still really a kid when it suits them) cut him off, give everything to the step children... This is how they talk about kids who don't always do what they want in general, is it? Especially kids with a complicated family background?

It's fucking madness. There's less spite in threads about children who are actually downright abusive and physically attack parents and siblings. And spite is what it is, really hateful and horrible. If the son is guilty of caring too much about money, what the fuck do these people care about that's sparking such a crazy level of venom towards an unknown 18 year old? And they're mostly women, although I did see a man advocating for giving everything to the stepkids if the son ever mentions it again (so can I assume he values his own children that much? You really don't have to disinherit your children to show you're cross with them.). Fabulous parenting all round. And it seems the children of attitudes like this don't always turn out to be perfect saints themselves, secure in their parents' love, and put certain connotations on money too... who'd have thunk it?

When you use money as a different kind of currency, or even as a weapon, how can you be so outraged when a youngster will respond as if it is indeed those things?

And I'm still waiting to hear if the son has actually explicitly said he will cut Dad off if Dad doesn't agree to this.

They have every right to think whatever they want, however this has gone a long way beyond merely holding an opinion.

It would be naive of anyone to expect DSS to like the situation. But an 18 year old talking about the income of a probably middle aged person (and DH could be under 40!) as something they're entitled to have sight of and partial reimbursement for when they die isn't just dislike.

The child that isn't his is his wife's child. It's his money, he has every right to be generous to his stepchildren.

Of course his dad is entitled to spend money on himself. I very much doubt his son would have questioned that. He’s spending money on a child who isn’t his - big difference.

I don’t think that blended families generally work without someone having to give him something and they generally get no appreciation for it.

i strongly feel all parents loyalties should be to their own children.

I’d be more than happy for my mother to blow all her money on herself so 100% fully with you there. But that is very different to this scenario. That is our mothers spending their money on themselves.

OP’s children are not DH’s children. They have their own dad. And it is not unreasonable for his actual children to have a view on him spending big money on his SC.

I doubt the OP wants her DH's sons to be his number one priority, she's certainly fine with hundreds of strangers calling them scrotes, shits and fuckers.

You don't have to explain anything to this grabby little scrote!

But what if he were watching his dad spend on a hobby? Would anyone say that isn't his father's right?

Clearly there needs to be a conversation with this young man. Whether reassurance of how important he is to his father will be enough depends on his motivation. I hope it's misunderstanding. But it's possible it's entitlement.

As for people decrying blended families, one of my friends just found their second spouse wrote the sc into their will and was very touched. Second families can be very difficult but it's not impossible to make it work.

The child framed it as spending "his" inheritance. It is not his. Nor is it his business to critique how his father chooses to support his children, no matter how the family is constituted. At 18 he is not owed anything and whining about inheritance is grossly offensive.

Some years ago my mum asked me to a meeting with her bank manager to discuss investments. After the usual chat I said she really should plan to spend it all on cruises or whatever made her happy. The bank manager agreed.

Mum died earlier this year, her final years in a care home that consumed her funds, but she left property that I don't want or need. I wish she'd spent it on cruises.

Why does he need to "go nuclear"? Why not speak calmly and respectfully to his son? Model good behaviour?

Where do you get fully supported through uni? OP says he will be supported through uni. We supported DS at uni but he still had the loans we just topped up his income.

And SS may wonder whether his dad will do the same for OP’s DC (especially if the amount of loans they can get could be impacted by his dad’s income)

OP and his dad have been married 3 years and he is seeing his dad pay for ski trips etc for OP’s DC.

The money side of things may be partially being fuelled by the boy’s mum but there could also be insecurity or the feeling of being ousted by the new blended family.

My FIL has been married a number of times since divorcing MIL. There is no substantial inheritance in our scenario but with every marriage DH and his siblings get pushed further down the line for the amount of time and interest FIL shows in them compared to the time and interest he shows in his ‘new’ family. And as fully fledged adults this hurts. So I can imagine 17/18yo will find it hurts seeing their dad play happy families with a new family

This a thousand times. Actually sit down and reassure his sons that they are his number 1 priority, and then behave as if they are.

There is a lot of crazy over reaction on the thread, both from all the posters suggesting SS is a "grabby little prick" etc etc, that he be told to "fuck off" (is that how all of your speak to your kids if they do something that annoys you? Seriously?)

And OP's husband who thinks his relationship with his son is now unsalvageable. You what, now?

SS has over-stepoed, yes. Because he is 18 and 18 year olds don't have a.full and complete understanding of relationships, finances and the world.

That's why they rely on trusted older role models, like parents, to explain things to them.

Could OP's husband not sit down with his son, explain to him calmly why his request is inappropriate, and try to fathom where it has come from and if it is, perhaps, driven by a need for some kind of emotional reasrruance that he CAN provide?

Or do you all honestly think it's better that he just swear at his son abusively, and/or never speak to him again?.

Unfathomable.

I think 18 year old are still children - they lack any life experience and most still feel very dependent on their parents - they also lack the people skills, emotional maturity and understanding of themselves to navigate these kinds of conversations - generally I'd say they have a lot to learn and it's still your dh's job to teach him.
And he should be teaching his son the correct way to ask about things that concern him like sensitive money issues - it's a good life lesson, because asking the wrong way can backfire spectacularly and we don't want that for our kids. As parents we don't always expect them to get it right especially at 18 years old - we can teach them and model how we deal with sensitive topic though - your dh needs to step up and parent, his job's not done.

It seems the Op and her former partner were not as well off as DH. She is happy for her children to benefit from that - “Inevitability my DH subsidies our life”.

But you can’t expect DH’s DC not to be aware of it. And as a teenager I wouldnt have been happy with my dad subsidising the lives of two other kids. He was my dad.

I think the “trust”, which I take to be rental generating property, is a red herring. The capital is protected, they will receive what their grandfather intended. End of story.

What’s at the bottom of this is the DH’s children’s attitude to the OP.

Brutally, I think they suspect the OP’s motives, which may be down to how she and her DH met and the fact that she says she intends returning to her home country eventually.

As far as the DC are concerned, they see what they consider to be their inheritance being spent on the OP and her family, who they don’t have a close relationship with and who will ultimately disappear from their lives.

I think their attitude needs some adjusting, but their father also needs to reassure them of their place in his family.

This scenario isn’t about the wider world. It’s specifically about a second family.

And yes some people feel entitled to their parents money in general, but there is a difference between that and watching your dad pay for trips for another child. That’s often not just about the money, it’s about watching your dad put his efforts into another child. Another child who has his own dad.

You are supposed to support your children to the best of your capacity; it's a parental duty. We don't usually start keeping ledgers and claiming that it somehow obligates our children in the future... unless, of course, we gain a second family and now, suddenly, the first child should be grateful and permanently perfectly compliant in a way the second family isn't obliged to be.

This thread definitely shows the spite and anger towards first families, specifically children of those families. Seems unlikely to me that this kid never saw any of that. And if money is how a parent claims a right to gratitude and permanent perfect compliance with no human failing, I'm not too surprised that a child might also see it as the language of what they might feel they've lost.

You can't use it as a different type of currency and then be surprised or outraged that others do too.