Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

I am mystified by all the comments about the father intending to cut off the son. OP hasn't suggested that, Her posts sound more like the father is worried his son will cut HIM off or that their 'relationship will never be the same'.

The two extreme choices appear to be

1. say no, son is angry, this will have a negative impact on their relationship, maybe son cuts him off.
2. allow son access to finances (presumably for the rest of husbands life!!) so son can keep a running total for OP to pay back. This will also have a negative impact on their relationship.

Maybe there is more to this, and I've had a quick look at the wedding thread. Behaviour wasn't awful, they didn't force him to move, but it was a bit off. It wasn't the stepsons problem to sort out. I don't understand how they know OPs husband paid for the ski trip. Really that should have happened quietly behind the scenes if it had to happen.

But what if he were watching his dad spend on a hobby? Would anyone say that isn't his father's right?

Clearly there needs to be a conversation with this young man. Whether reassurance of how important he is to his father will be enough depends on his motivation. I hope it's misunderstanding. But it's possible it's entitlement.

As for people decrying blended families, one of my friends just found their second spouse wrote the sc into their will and was very touched. Second families can be very difficult but it's not impossible to make it work.

The DSS who is being fully supported through all education and RG uni?

he will have had his skiing trips paid for, plus, plus, plus

no, he just wants ALL money spent on him and has been wound up by the mother. Who I dare say gets/got a healthy maintenance agreement too.

I would never do it. My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m surrounded my people that can’t have much longes for kids. I’d never move other children in with me while my kids were still kids and play happy families. It’s a horrible selfish thing to do.

Agreed, except I’d say there’s a big but when it comes to step families. I think it really matters that children are made to feel that they are a priority over dad’s second relationship.

Every behaviour that your AC displays doesn't come down to what you did as a parent - that's taking things a little too far, imo. They are entitled to be proud of their achievements and sad about the things that go wrong without attributing all to their parents.

But what if he were watching his dad spend on a hobby? Would anyone say that isn't his father's right?

Clearly there needs to be a conversation with this young man. Whether reassurance of how important he is to his father will be enough depends on his motivation. I hope it's misunderstanding. But it's possible it's entitlement.

As for people decrying blended families, one of my friends just found their second spouse wrote the sc into their will and was very touched. Second families can be very difficult but it's not impossible to make it work.

I don't doubt you'd be displeased but to actually disinherit or financially punish your kids from beyond the grave for it, is to me far too much. Not the legacy I'd want even if my kids had annoyed me.

I'd say a parent who does that probably created the fucked up money situation that led to the kids having these sorts of connotations on money. Treat it like a weapon, a method of control, and guess what...

I've read people on here criticizing their parents for eating out, going on holiday, buying nice clothes, flying business class. An AC who feels it's their place to question my decisions on how I spend my money on the things I want - like above because I'm spending their inheritance is an AC I am not feeling very happy with - this kind of control and entitlement will not have me restricting my spending or going non contact but it will have me telling them it's my money and if they chose to continue to try to control how I spend it then I'll remove the need.

Why does the SS have a right to say how his father spends his own money. The SS s well supported it doesn't sound as though he is wanting for anything. His father can spend his money anyway he wants he could gamble it away, spend it on drugs or give it all to charity if he wanted to. He has chosen to spend some on his step children and his wife why is that the son's business?
The assets are protected and not affected in any way. The grandchildren will inherit the assets eventually.
But meanwhile how OPs husband spends his income from the assets and from his own business are none of the son's business.

It isn’t a request I’d agree too. But neither would I start talking about cutting my children off.

This man hasn’t prioritised his kids. And yes, I do think that situation at the wedding sums up a lot of things, that the DS was expected to just step aside because a 9 year old who wasn’t even initially invited to the wedding wouldn’t sit down.

Is the 18 year old being bratty - yes. Should his own father be talking about going nuclear or whatever - absolutely not. He should be examining very carefully how this situation has come about and what his role in it was.

Of course his dad is entitled to spend money on himself. I very much doubt his son would have questioned that. He’s spending money on a child who isn’t his - big difference.

I don’t think that blended families generally work without someone having to give him something and they generally get no appreciation for it.

i strongly feel all parents loyalties should be to their own children.

I've read people on here criticizing their parents for eating out, going on holiday, buying nice clothes, flying business class. An AC who feels it's their place to question my decisions on how I spend my money on the things I want - like above because I'm spending their inheritance is an AC I am not feeling very happy with - this kind of control and entitlement will not have me restricting my spending or going non contact but it will have me telling them it's my money and if they chose to continue to try to control how I spend it then I'll remove the need.

if they did start to express an opinion I'd be reconsidering my will.

My kids would have to do far more than express an opinion for me to disinherit them, or start punishing them financially. I never thought I was the unusual one in that, but this thread has made me wonder. Money makes madness but I did think the parental bond was somewhat stronger than that. Evidently not, for a startling number of people. How scary.

OP has said that the SS will be supported through university by her husband

That's correct but doesn't mean the DS here is getting enought to actually live off - and that may be driving this.

Its' all very well saying oh they can work - some courses make that hard and there is a lot of compettition for any jobs as many are in the same boat.

It's close to results day perhaps it's looking suddenly real and budgets have been looked at and gaps found maybe there's a worry he can't afford to go and this fuck up approach has come about.

I don't know - is something perhaps OP DH could ask about.

It does sound like a very rude request and major over step but 18 year olds can be very self absorbed and clueless - most parents push back and correct them not jump to cutting them off and going NC.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress

I don’t know why you are confused. I talk about my children and how my ex meets his financial obligations. My SS is concerned when my husband spends money on them as he feels his and his sibling’s inheritance from their father will be diminished. This is separate to money generated from their grandfather.

This conflict is of course deeply upsetting to my husband who doesn’t want it to escalate. He can’t just tell his own child to mind their own business without some sort of backlash.

There’s way more to this than the OP is letting on!
id be interested to hear the other side!

That's not 'except'. That's further information about why he's gone a looooong way beyond merely having an opinion.

And you're not summing up his situation when you leave out what is a pretty extraordinary request in any circumstances.