AIBU to not leave the kitchen spotless once I have finished prepping dinner?

Well yes I alluded to this scenario in my post as it was exactly what my dad used to do to my mum.

However there are degrees here surely. From the OP's updates, it doesn't seem that she is leaving the kitchen a bombsite. She just isn't leaving it perfectly spotless as thought it hasn't been used. It seems much more like a situation where her DH is being over the top about it and effectively sending the message that starting the meal when it's ready and enjoying what has been made doesn't matter as much as correcting these minor issues, which to my mind is disrespectful as hell. There is also wider context of her DH not being grateful for or attentive to any of her cooking efforts, and yet not offering to ever do the cooking himself. This context matters a lot, I think.

I would also still argue that even in the bombsite scenario, it is possible to show a degree of basic human politeness (like sitting down to the meal when asked) whilst also separately expressing dissatisfaction with the state of the kitchen (and perhaps refusing to be the one to clean it up if this has been the cook's assumption). They are not mutually exclusive things in my experience.

I am unsure why it has different status...but it does!

The correct response to food being presented is - thank you, that looks lovely. The only exception is toddlers, they are allowed but discouraged from saying 'eugh, yucky'.

I think it's because food can be a bit of a labor of love, people often put extra effort into trying to feed their family something they will enjoy and appreciate and feel a sense of satisfaction at their family's subsequent enjoyment. The same cannot be said of taking out the bins.

overall the division of labour is equitable. He pulls his weight.

Is it? Does he? What chores does he do? As often in these sorts of situations it turns out the DH does bins, ‘outside work’ and, occasionally, his own laundry.

Also, if you aren’t currently enjoying it and he has such strong feelings about this, switch chores. For at least part of the week.

I do tidy as I go but there is inevitably some things left out as they are the last things I used before I served up. It’s unavoidable.

No it's usually communal cooking, or everyone has a role, so the work is shared. In those households eating together is important. The first that came to mind was japan. A lot of other such cultures do one pot meals, with a type of bread.
OP, your DH should be coming down as you are nearing the end and start tidying. When I first met my DP I had to explain that eating together meant something to me and It was part of what made me feel connected.

YABU for being a doormat and the poor role modelling you and your DH are to your kids. They have grown up thinking it’s perfectly normal for men to be pricks and women to be domestic appliances. It’s the 21st century ffs.

You should exercise 10-15 minutes after eating to help support your blood sugar levels. Tidying up is our pre after dinner exercise. He needs to educate himself!

Dear me, watch yourself or his lordship'll be giving you a bad review on TripAdvisor. I guess you can forget about your tip as well.

Try "New house rules DH - whichever one of us cooks, the other clears. Which would you like to do tonight?".

Yeah, but presumably the food is served on plates, and they eat with cutlery so there will ALWAYS be some clearing up to do.
Don’t be dictated to by this man, OP. The absolute audacity of him.

Sometimes I tidy as I go or sometimes after. The audacity of him to complain when his dinner was cooked for him. After dinner we ALL tidy for 10-15min. Kids do the playroom and living room, dh and I do kitchen, general tidying. We have a rule that no one is left running around while everyone else is relaxing. Don’t accept this op. The cheek of him!

Well isn’t he a cheeky bugger?

I’ll be honest, haven’t read the entire thread, but why isn’t he helping you to tidy as you go along?

Personally, im a tidy chef, I get stressed if it’s messy and I’m trying to work so I do it as I go along. Like you I also have to usually prep 2+ options due to dietary needs.

DH tidies after if he’s been cooking, or we do it together. I don’t get annoyed with him, if he’s happy to cook surrounded by mess, then crack on!

I'm so confused by people equating 'cleaning while you go along' to 'cleaning after you've finished cooking and have plated up the food'. They are two very different things. The first is smart and efficient, the second is, obviously, rather stupid.

I do it after, or like a pp if there's more than one load to go in the dishwasher leave it until the next morning

I clean as I go. DH makes a massive mess and leaves the kitchen like a bombsite, then has to spend ages after dinner cleaning up.

TBH I wouldn't describe my kitchen as spotless, even after clearing up. The only way that could be achieved for more than a few seconds would be a lock on the door and I had the only key.

I am a tidy cook and I clean up as I go but there are always things left to clean afterwards. It obviously also depends on the meal. If you are making something like a casserole etc type dish that cooks a long time in a pot then obviously you can clean everything before it’s ready. If it’s something that involves assembling a few different parts that need to be eaten as soon a they are cooked then it is not possible.

He needs to watch master chef!!!

I’m not going to let my dinner go cold while I want for hot pans to
cool to clean them up.
But I live alone and do everything on my own schedule.

I generally load the dishwasher as I go and have a bowl of washing up on the go but there are always serving spoons and saucepans etc left to clean afterwards. If he’s so bothered about the mess then leave him to tidy it! DH learnt very early on that if he moaned about anything then it would become his job!!

I think it would be odd to leave things to get cold just for the sake of srubbing down the kitchen to then add a bunch of dirty dishes to the kitchen.

My husband does 99% of the cooking - he does what he can while he goes along, but of course there are pots / counters / dishes / whatever. Sometimes he's juggling a few different things and it's a disaster, sometimes it's just a handful of dishes. It's never perfect!

But this is just part of a general lack of appreciation and respect for you. I think you need to pare back the special meals significantly - preferences are for restaurants, not one person cooking in their own home. My son can be pretty fussy so the rule is he needs to try whatever my husband makes, and if he really can't eat it (he has some sensory stuff and is underweight) then he can make himself a peanut butter sandwich / cheese and crackers / whatever. He needs to have a protein, carb and veggie but it's okay if it's simple things. He eats maybe 2/3 of what my husband makes and the rest of the time he sorts himself out. And he's done this since he was around 7/8.

And your kids should 'definitely' be loading the dishwasher / wiping counters / helping put food away / saying thank you. These things are not optional at all.

So do they leave the food to go cold or keep it warm in the oven?

I usually clear up as I go, but there will always be pans to do afterwards because we eat as soon as I plate up. I don't put pans in the dishwasher.

Also, as we have to be careful with water usage I am doing fewer washing up sessions to save water.

My husband washes up as I start to plate out meals and does dishes after we then eat together. We are a great team!

You need to change the narrative sharpish before your children think this is normal
behaviour.

re the prep - everyone is different but it’s cook’s prerogative. Sit him down when calm
and tell him how rude you find it when he saunters in and starts clearing up
passive aggressively instead of eating. If that doesn’t work, tell him you won’t cook for him if he is going to continue to be so rude.

At the same time you need to instil some basic manners into your family. In ours, no one leaves the table without saying thank you to the cook (adult or teen) and taking their plates/helping to tidy up. All family not cooking contributes - one loads/washes, one wipes, one clears etc. it shows children how life works - they don’t have a maid service. This is especially important here where you have for some reason taken on all
of the cooking responsibilities - you need to show that women are not doormats.

start with a polite conversation, including asking your husband to model appropriate behaviour for your kids. If he can’t do that then you have a bigger problem than the washing up.

I have never been able to keep a clean kitchen when cooking, it looks like a bomb site by the time I've finished. I clean it after everyone has finished eating. My partner says I'm a messy cook so I told him he's welcome to do it instead, strangely enough the comments have stopped lol.

Requirements, fine, but you say there are 'preferences' too, to which I say tough; no one gets to eat their favourite foods all the time to the exclusion of others.
And it's your DH's family too, so the dietary requirements thing should also be the bane of his life – it would be much less onerous if it were fairly shared.
He should also, if he has any sense/awareness, dial down the criticism of your cooking style and aim to make mealtimes less stressful for you, not more.