To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

Do you work, OP ? If so, could you take a day off every so often and have the eight hours to yourself ? Obviously, you’ll still be clock watching to be back in time for pick-up but you’d have several hours to yourself.

Or if you don’t work, can you find a good, reliable babysitter who you could book maybe once a month on a weekend or week-day and have the day to yourself ? And maybe even build to them doing an over-night.

Gently, I think you're letting "perfect" get in the way of "good enough".

I was in a similar situation. Family helped out with childcare while I was at work which was great, but then they didn't want the kids any time I wasn't working as they had done their bit.

You just have to work with what you've got.

Take a day off work mid-week when the kids are in school/nursery and do whatever. I used to do this once a month when my kids were little. It got me a few hours of wondering around the shops or sitting drinking a coffee whilst reading a book and people watching.

Get a childminder or babysitter who will do the odd Saturday or pick them up from school and nursery if you want a full day. Start asking your friends kids round for play dates and see if they would mind having your kids over sometime.

A weekend is maybe less realistic at this age, but mine all went to various youth camps that had weeks/weekends away from about aged 9 up.

Apologies for the typos.

Can you afford things like a 1 hr deep tissue marriage or a facial/pedicure? I used to book a 30 mins back massage plus half hr pedicure at a really classy beauty salon on a monthly basis. I stopped after the COL though but ds was 18 by then and started a fulltime job. I have had no family support either and the ex only helped intermittently due to his shifts.
I think the Way Foundation will really help though. You can make new friends both women and men who are in the same boat. You take your sprigs along too.
Good luck.

It might feel like a big ask to ask a friend to have the kids for a night or 2 but think of it from your friends point of view. They would probably be gutted to know that you were in need of the break but didn’t feel you could ask. I would help out my friend in this situation in a heartbeat. It doesn’t have to be transactional.

I am so sorry for your loss and totally get it. You are also grieving what your parenting journey now looks like vs what you thought. Big hug.

have you come across widowed and young? (Anyone under 50 iirc). One of my besties found it kept her sane finding people who really really understand where she was and she made friends through them who really made her feel less alone.

And as everyone says: it does get better. My kids have SEN so my parenting journey is not what I expected either with many of the challenges you describe but for different reasons.

And if you can afford it, get help; and if you can’t, accept any help you are offered. You won’t get that sense of properly clocking off, but those small pockets do help.

Take it day by day (or hour by hour). X

I'm also a solo parent due to bereavement. I'm 44 with a 4yo and 10yo. I'm going to have one day a week all to myself from September and it feels like it's been a very long time coming.

Do you work OP? I was a lone parent for many years and my advice is you need to treasure the snatched time. Then they start doing cub camps, holiday tennis day camp, stagecoach at the weekends. If you can afford it of course you can also get a respite nanny in. There were a couple of teachers at my DD school that did that in the holidays for extra money. It definitely does get easier

But your age is valid.

Could you afford to pay a babysitter once a week to pick both kids up and stay with them until 6pm?

I'm sorry for your situation, and that you don't have any family who can help – although I know I'd be happy to take a friend's children for a sleepover every few months if they got on well with my kids, so who knows – in a couple of years time, it might be worth asking? Especially if you return the favour.

I had children in my early twenties, and now I'm just about forty and they're still full on and demanding! (In a really rewarding way). I imagine I'll be 45 before I'm finally done with the intensive parenting, and even then you still worry about them. So you have benefited from having children so late, as you’ve had all those years of total freedom. Of course, I imagine that makes it all the more constrictive, because you know what you're missing. But at least you had that freedom, and at an age when you could really enjoy it.

Six and three are very tough ages, too. Once the youngest goes off to school you may find you get a lot more peace and quiet. And as a pp says, you can go on spontaneous adventures with kids. There are also various clubs, activities, and camps they can go on to give you a break as they get older, if you can afford it.

I hope it gets easier for you.

I hear you, I feel chained to the house literally with no choice. An evening walk with the dog to wind down on a hard day, or a morning early walk (which used to bring so much life into me pre having child, even did with baby in baby carrier and heavily pregnant with two large dogs).. no chance, with a 2.5yr old and no one to watch her unless pre planned way in advance and paid for childcare. It’s not like you can just plan as something as simple as when you might need that much needed get out of the house and walk round the block to clear your head. So I totally get you on the freedom and spontaneity. Even on the most basic of things.

I can’t even have a bath or shower without risk waking her up early in the morning or late at night now. It’s not like the baby days where you just put them in a bouncer. If she wakes, that’s it. It’s never going to be a relaxing experience. No one to just take over if she does wake up or when she does wake up. Feel like I’m on constant tend to hooks because I’m 24 seven on call.

parenting as a solo parent is like another planet to the planets of those who have another body in the house that you can legally leave the house when you need to, want to, or simply take a trip like you said just for the day.

Shortly, be moving to a place that has an outhouse (failed passed planning permission Covid annex thing I think) In the garden. And I can’t tell you the freedom will feel to be able to go out to this space, Music on (although with headphones, it’s something right😅) do some exercise, have a bath or shower at silly o clock if I want to (although I’ve heard the plumbing isn’t actually up to standards to be fully working in this end of garden structure thing, but I’ll take whatever I can get. To ‘feel’ like I’ve escaped the house. Because like you, it can feel a bit like serving a prison sentence to know your next decade or so has very little choices, freedom, feeling trapped when just wanting something so simple as a few hrs off, without pre panning it far far in advance like it’s work holiday leave. Im tired, ignore me. But I see you. Your not alone. Sometimes we need a winge and just then shrug it off

I'm really sorry you're lone parenting in the circumstances you are. I'm not a LP so I can only try and understand a little. Apologies if I missed the mark

It does get better I promise. It's a big ask to ask a friend to look after an eight year old but not a big ask to farm out a twelve year old for a night if you're prepared to reciprocate.

And I know it's not the same but you can bring children with you on adventures - even quite spontaneous ones if you're brave enough. I passed a lot of time in the preschool years taking my kids on a bus Odyssey to a nearby town. We travelled all over the place with children in tow and as we speak my 17 year old is off on a three week adventure without us, so DH, our 20 year old and I are on a mystery trip in the UK before he goes off on a solo trip.

I think you can create a life that has spontaneity and adventure in it and if you crave this you will do it. It's easier if you bring the kids along when they are small. Or team up with another family. There are many ways to do it which you'll discover along the way.

However you are entitled to feel daunted and tired at the thought of all this right now. To feel tired and scared at the prospect of this all being entirely on your shoulders because of your bereavement. That is a lot to carry. I hope you can find some real life friends and kindred spirits who can keep you company and sometimes lend a hand to allow you some solitude too.

This does sound tough and I’m so sorry for your loss.

In practical terms, if you can afford it, there are PGL camps they could go to in the summer once they’re a bit older.

But you may find even in 3-5 years you stop fantasising about full weeks off so much because they go off and play together more and it’s not so full-on.

The point about Squirrels is that if they continue doing Beavers then Cubs they get to go on weekend camps so you would actually get some proper time to yourself. Mine went on cub camp at just turned 8 - he only went for one night as it was his first one and he was a bit nervous but you could go for two nights - that’s a whole weekend! Appreciate that seems a long way away now but it will come around.

In the meantime taking a day off while they’re at school (plus after school club) or childcare will give you a few hours to yourself.

I actually think it is harder for those who have kids a bit later to adapt to the lack of freedom, having had two decades of complete freedom beforehand. And it must be very hard doing it alone.

You say it is a big ask for a friend, and OF COURSE it is.... but I'd do it for a friend. I love watching other people's kids because it makes mine behave better and makes me a more patient and fun parent in general. I'd be honoured to be asked!

Totally understandable that you don't think your children are ready either (my DC are 6 & 4 and would only be comfortable with my mum, not even their other grandparents who they know well, so I get that!), but that may not be 10+ years away.

Your thread has prompted me to start subtly mentioning to my single parent friends that I am a willing babysitter whenever they need me. It feels like overstepping to offer, but I hadn't really considered that they may be feeling that it is overstepping to ask...

Yes this is what parenting is unfortunately when your children are small. If you're in your 40s you had decades of freedom before you had children so I think you just have to accept that until they're older, you won't have that kind of freedom. You just have to make the most of the hours you can snatch while they're at school/childcare and enjoy that time. A few hours is enough time to have a wander, sit in a café with a lovely coffee and watch the world go by or immersed in a good book.

I guess the other thing to do it remember you already have had 20 adult years of freedom - that’s more than most on this forum. Life is cyclical, this decade is a phase just like all the others.

Are you working?
What does the 3yo do in term time?

there are ways to carve out micro adventures in small pieces of time, but to begin with it’s very much hours not days.

Sign them up to squirrels & beavers asap, then in a few years you’ll start to have a couple of weekends a year while they’re at camps. Sign them up to other activities where the norm is drop-off as well!

It gets better, i raised my son alone i loved it tbh, the years do go fast.
you will have all your freedom back one day your still young.

I would try and organise something/a long weekend where kids can stay with a friend well in advance and offer to return favour .
I was in a similar situation and feel like I wasted my entire 20s and most of 30s just sitting in the house every weekend, not going anywhere or doing anything but deal with kids. Its better now they are older but sometimes I really regret not doing stuff when j was young and good looking