To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

Im a lone parent and i understand. As they get older your world gets bigger together. Do you have mum friends or colleagues to have outings with?

I think people are just trying to be supportive, and point out options/reassure you that all parents experience a loss of freedom (although not usually to the same extent) because it doesn’t seem very helpful to say ‘oh, that’s just the worst, you won’t be free for a decade’.

But I’m sure you’re grieving what you thought you’d have versus what life is now, as well as the loss of your children’s dad as a partner and equal parent, and that’s utterly devastating. I’m so sorry, OP. I can see it must just feel like an endless slog with no moments to escape and properly take a breath, because you’re just permanently stuck in ‘mum mode’ without another parent to take the burden for a few hours.

So sorry for your loss.

Wishing you well on your journey through lone parenthood and out the other side.

I think you can work towards this op?

It does get easier as they get older.

We were at the independent stage, then got a dog . Almost back to square one!

In less than two years both children will be in school and you can book after school club and take annual leave to have regular breaks. Your little one goes to nursery?

You are saying you want 'more' than the odd day here and there but that may not be possible unless you can find someone very trusted that you can introduce to your children and build up to a whole weekend possibly?

I am sorry OP, it must be devastating. Easy for someone else to stand back and see there will be a day when your spontaneous, unhurried time is back, but now you are in the thick of it, bereaved and perhaps bewildered that this tragedy has happened and this is your life now.

I can remember that feeling of being on lockdown and it is restricting.

It does get easier as they get older and you can do trips with them, I did lots of little holidays (budget friendly) in the UK.

Are there no relatives on either side that would want to be more involved? I was lucky that my DDs grandparents helped when I wanted the occasional night away.

It’s shit. I’m not a single parent but for ten years my DH worked away for months at a time. He’d be on his way home after 31 consecutive days alone, and I’d literally wait to see his car turn into the road and I’d get my shoes on and be walking out the door the second he walked in. Just to breathe.

Recently I had to go to another city for an interview and I stayed over. I deliberately asked for my interview to be early so that I could wander the city afterwards. It was the first time in a decade I had time to myself. I literally felt alive. I wandered some beautiful old historic buildings and had lunch alone. I was supremely happy.

I now work compressed hours and have one day off when the kids are at school but book ended by the school rush drop off and pick up it’s not the same at all.

We have zero family help, everyone is dead except for me and my DM and yes, we calculate another decade before we can ever go away overnight without kids. It’s very hard.

When my DH worked away trying to explain to other parents that I was trapped in the house for example at night, because I was welded to the kids sleep schedules and needs, was impossible. It’s hard to explain the total lack of freedom when you know day after day that you can’t even pop out to the corner shop for a Wispa!

Totally get it. The little things grind you down bit by bit of the situation, that it’s not even the big things.

But dreaming of the day to be able to do the simplest of things when your stuck in this situation, to just a whole day off or 24hrs off in ten or so yrs is sometimes hard on the mind. Sundays hit me hard when I ruminate on it all. being on call and these little peoples only person and no one else to fall back on, can feel so far off.

Also early 40’s. Like you said it’s not wanting a night out on the town, it’s the simple ‘don’t worry darling I’ll do the bath and bed routine, or you have an hour lie in or two to go do something for yourself. Nip out to the shop when you need something urgently for said child. But it’s 9pm. It is a very limiting existence tbh.

Age is irrelevant. feeling stuck in a situation and just hearing others say I get it. Sometimes we don’t even need someone giving solutions we’ve gone through in our heads over and over to try be the solution. The reality is the reality.

anyway I won’t add any more to this post as going through not my most positive motherhood experience and don’t want to be Debbie downer. It’s sad I wish the yrs away for my little one to be more independent.

I hope somehow you get some relief sometime soon. You deserve it after what it sounds like you’ve been through

You will have options sooner than a decade...... Cup camps start at 8ish i think so maybe 5 yrs til your youngest could go... Or there are holiday 'camps' like pgl that many kids go on in school holidays..that are residential.... Although even the non residential are often full days and they usually start at about age 5 here as that's what parents need in the summer..

So that would give you whole days once your youngest is old enough

Yes in the main adult spontaneity does go but you're heading for options at least...

You maybe need to either save up and invest in a very reliable, kindly babysitter to help you enjoy some proper breaks if you don't feel your friends will help.

I think most parents feel like this, I remember it well, I just acclimatised. I don't think you can be fully carefree as a parent tbh. I never mastered it anyway!

Children grow up quickly op, you will soon be whinging that they are now all grown up and you never see them!

Mine are 13, 11 and 7 but my youngest is severely disabled. I work when he’s at school but outside of those times I am his full time carer (and he only sleeps 5-6 hours a night) so I completely understand the lack of spontaneity. I’m not sure when I’ll ever get mine back as he will never live an independent life. I do get 3 hours a month respite care, so that’s my ‘wander round the shops’ time! Sadly no one else is able to have him overnight.
Sometimes the hand we’ve been dealt is pretty shit, and it’s ok to have a moan.

Try not to over analyse OP, you will only feel overwhelmed. You'll have snatched moments along the way and the pressure eases as they get older but I honestly think true freedom is something you leave behind at parenthood and it's ok to grieve for that too. For now try to organise a half day somewhere while they are at school to switch off. The routine will change, right now it's probably unrelentless by day but you have night time to yourself for a few hours. In a few years they will be up til bedtime and you'll lose that night time solitude but you will be able to pop out and leave them for a while. There will be times when they have play dates and sleepovers and long activities and you'll have those random times for exercise or grocery shopping or going for a coffee. You are at an incredibly demanding and tiring stage now and it definitely gets easier.

I absolutely sympathise, and didn’t mean to be upsetting in regards to your age. I just thought it was a different perspective. Of course losing your husband and having to parent alone is devastating whether you’re in your twenties or forties, but having your twenties and thirties to look back on is something. I suppose looking on the bright side isn’t what you’re wanting right now, though.

Becoming a parent really does absolutely eat up your life, even if you have a partner (to a lesser degree, of course!) if you don’t have wider family support – we took a toddler on our honeymoon, and didn’t get a night to ourselves for eight years – but that’s parenthood. Relentless, never-ending parenting and no time to yourself often come with the territory. It has to be so much harder alone, though.

I do think that it’ll be a lot better in another three years, when your youngest is six – you’ll probably start getting your freedom back then, if you want to.

Are you sure friends wouldn't enjoy a reciprocal arrangement? I have a DH and family locally, but I'd still kill for a weekend off and would happily trade weekends with a friend.

It’s not really solely a lone parent problem - most parents lose that spontaneity and freedom when they have kids. Even with a partner, you still don’t really have that unless you have a very nice and willing family and a lot don’t have that! I also crave some time to myself after working all week long but DH has work and coaching commitments that make it impossible.

I just suck it up, it won’t be forever. Or take them on my adventures.

I hear you @overandoveragain26 mine are the same age as yours (and I'm slightly older) and I dream of even just a mini adventure occasionally! I don't know what the solution is right now so I don't have any answers for you but I do know how you feel! 💐

Mine are scouts/GG.
Scouts/GG do weekends away and camps in summer. Dd2 13 yo went to a jamboree this summer abroad for 8 nights.

Of course they started with a few nights away. Signed them up at 5 yo.

I am not single but we didn't had family around to help as we came to UK to work frim an EU country and really scouts/GG trips were amazing for a few days of for us parent in a busy life.

We did sleepovers too with good friends taking turns.

Feel free to have a bit of a whine, line parenting is hard, especially in the circumstances you describe.

I'm not going to offer solutions, that's not really what you were looking for and sometimes it's ok to just listen and agree that yes the situation sucks.

For what it's worth, I am coming out of he other side, my children are now adults and I have that freedom back, it feels like only yesterday they were small. Hang on in there, it feels like forever but it will come round for you.