To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

You will get there. Mine are now 27 (with significant autism) 24 & 21. I’ve been a single parent since 2010. But now I am living my best life !

Oh man OP I'm so sorry. that sounds so hard. Your age means very little. we all struggle at times. a break is so necessary but often unobtainable.

Jesus people stop banging on about her age, she is widowed for god sake. It is insensitive in the extreme, especially since she has asked multiple times for you to stop.

OP I am sorry this thread has made you feel worse. I absolutely understand what you mean, a lack of freedom sucks in normal circumstances, yours is clearly much worse.

I had my son at 21 when I was happily (I thought anyway) married, and so obviously expecting that level of help. Nope. Off he fucked after 2 weeks to visit his family in a very far away country. When he was back he just wasn't bothered and treated us like an inconvenience. I then didn't really see him again until two years later when we agreed to divorce.

Nobody I knew then had ANY idea how hard that was. 21 with a baby and husband walks away so he can keep living life as a single man. Until I was in my early/mid 30s I didn't go anywhere or have any holidays at all. I went to the US, with my son in fact, when I was 33 and had such a good time.

I then realised he was actually great company. Of course I cherished free time too, but there is little I could do in that respect. I chose to have him, my circumstances changed, and that was that really.

He's 30 now and I have had all the freedom I want, and have had for 10 years now.

Bit back to front from your case, as i lost my freedom when very young, then got it back later, but I do know what it feels like. I watched my friends go off on holidays, first jobs, etc., and there I was with absolutely no help.

I don't really feel you're looking for solutions and you seem very frustrated so I won't try and offer any advice. I just understand that feeling of despair, just mine was when I was young. You might want to try and include them if you can, they can be fun!

Have you tried these groups for single and bereaved parents ?

https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

thejollydollies.co.uk/

Gosh some of these replies are not helpful at all 🙈
I'm so sorry op. You're totally valid in how you feel. It's absolutely shite and really relentlessly suffocatingly hard. It's ok to say that out loud. Maybe this is not the place for it. I'm hoping you're able to find someone who truly gets it so you can have a proper vent together.💐

Did you read any of the OP’s posts?

How could she predict that her husband was going to die?

I feel like in general once you have children then you have to accept that you tend to lose the ability to be spontaneous and do just what you like. I also think don’t get your hopes up for it becoming easier as they get older. Mine have become more dependent on my help! Activities have increased. Social life increased and they need lifts!
I also do not think that with a partner you are guaranteed sharing the load.

my advice is to make peace with your situation. Control the controllable. If you can change your mindset to view certain activities with them as mildly satisfying your desires then it’s a small bonus. Are there any child friendly hotels you can take them to that enable you to feel like an adult whilst they enjoy themselves also. Take them to the city you want to explore but build in child activities along the way. Tire them out and sit in dark with a cocktail can and an iPad. I just have found you have to make the best of a bad situation being a solo parent.

If you were my friend, I really wouldnt mind you asking me to have them for a weekend as a one off "I need some me time" thing. Maybe you have a friend who also wouldn't mind as a one off?

I remember people telling me to just get a baby sitter as if it's that easy!

First of all I’m sorry for your loss OP, and I’m sorry that some of the replies here have made you feel worse. I do think that some people were clumsily trying to make you feel better, but you’re right, it’s shit.

It’s the little things isn’t it, like you said fancying some chocolate, or seeing an evening class or activity you’d like to attend and not being able to just go.

I have no advice, but I understand what you’re saying.

To be fair you waited till 40 to have kids so you had over 20 years of adult life to be free and spontaneous. You also must have predicted life would be this way for a while, it’s just motherhood for most people.

I just wanted to say I understand OP. I’m so sorry you lost your DH, solo parenting is hard.

my Situation is different as exDH is around, however he doesn’t have his children very much and they don’t want to see him because of it. So it’s me and them, all the time with the exception of school. They were 1, 3 and 6 when we split but we are 7 years on now and those years were a slog, I won’t lie. Now they are older life has become easier as their demands are different and they understand a lot more. I’m also late 40’s now.

I don’t have any solutions for you as you’re right there really aren’t any - it’s just a time thing. I just wanted to say that I understand how you are feeling, you’re in the trenches. In time it will feel less, and you will get your time again.

We had friend’s DC over for a weekend once while they went for a weekend break, we didn’t really mind, it was not much work to have two more when you already have child-centric weekends -> you should ask!

Its called parenthood. A big ball and chain round your ankle for years. Are there aother school gate mums you can get into conversation with? It worked for me. Single parent, ex nowhere to be seen, family lived miles away. I got chatting with some of the school mums and I ended up with a good circle of friends x

@overandoveragain26 it may feel insurmountable now but you can work something out. My teen babysits for our neighbours and has done a 12 hour stint for them while they went to a wedding - from 1 in the afternoon to 1 in the morning.

When mine were younger, we had a family with similar age kids that both were friends with, and we would exchange double sleepovers so we could go to parties.

I also had a childminder who I could pay to stay for the night if we needed it. Obviously this all costs money and you don't mention your financial situation, but there are ways that you can work this out.

I get that this doesn't help with the spontaneity problem of just popping out when you feel like it, but it does mean you can go to things that are pre-arranged like theatre, gigs, weekends away if you can afford to pay for childcare.

As soon as the younger one starts school, You’ll become expert at finding everything interesting or beautiful in reach of the school day. My “range” covered the Ashmolean to the south coast, and Reading to Bath.

Afterschool club once or twice a week is good for all of you and buys you an extra couple of hours.

But yes, before ds, I travelled a lot, since ds, not so much.

Given your circumstances I imagine most of your friends would be more than happy to help op. Have you even spoken to them?

Well it goes incredibly quickly and they're already 6 and 3. Plus pretty soon they'll want to spend less and less time with their mum and more time with friends. I won't say enjoy it whilst you can but people say that because when their childhood ends, you realise that it went so fast and you wish you'd relaxed more.

Totally get it and even more so you've said a bereavement so it's not as if you set out from the go for single parenthood from the sounds of it.
My situation is definitely different but I get the feeling of not being able to completely relax because your thinking right I need to leave at X time oh the traffic on the motorway will be terrible I might be late I best leave at X and before you know it your like oh I can't be arsed it's too much faff.

Sorry if I've missed it, I know you said no family, but what about your late husband's family?

I'm similar age to you, a single parent with a 7 year old, so my parents are too old to have him for any significant time, but my sister has him overnight if I want to go somewhere and his dad can't have him. Have you got in laws who can help?

I do get it, I go on solo trips/holidays as well as trips with friends, and it means I can fully relax and recharge.

Aww I totally get it. As a fellow solo parent it is totally relentless and I felt like I had no freedom for ages. Taking a day off work when they're at school is great in theory but I needed all my leave from work to cover all the school holidays. As there was nobody to share the load with, so my leave and holiday clubs was the only solution. No time for me.

I did used to make the most of the odd hour or two they were at an activity but it wasn't spontaneous and I was constantly clock watching.

It gets easier - they're early 20s now. It feels like yesterday and equally a lifetime ago that I had to worry about that as now I have total freedom.

Its tough - but you'll get through it!

If you keep your current working pattern then it will get easier when the youngest is in school. You’d have 2 days to yourself and that is something most people don’t get. If you want a longer day go for wrap-around care.

Obviously your situation in general will be different to most as you’re dealing with a bereavement but you have to find the snatches of time you’ll get for you and make the most of them. It might never be weekends away again but there is lots you can still do while the kids are at school.

So sorry for your loss OP

I definitely get that sole parenting is not what you signed up for, of course you love them but some says it's tough. It's not just the physical load, it's the mental load too, having to be the person who thinks about everything, plans everything.

It is true that it does get easier. My 2 (6 and 8) went away a few weeks ago with Rainbows and Brownies at same time. The house felt very strangely quiet, but it was nice to have some (non working) child free time.

I also did a childcare swop with a close friend who has 2 the same age for a weekend.

So you are potentially only 3 years (which I know feels like a lifetime) off similar.

It does get better - although you've got a long haul ahead I'm sorry to say.

Mine are 16 and 13, and I can go out for an evening now, I can pop out in the day to do whatever I want, and I'm within spitting distance of feeling able to go away for a night - it's so close!

But yes, when they were younger, it felt relentless - knowing that once they were in bed, yes, I was 'free' but only free in my own home, I couldn't actually do anything.

Doing the thing others have mentioned where I just played hooky from work (I'm freelance) some days - dropping them off at school then going to Ikea, or into town for a wander and a meal-deal from boots like when I used to have a normal job and no kids.

I was also a solo parent due to bereavement. DH had been ill and I was working so there certainly weren’t whole days of unplanned spontaneity before he died, I don’t think there were for most of our friends who were parents.

Planning is key, even if you just plan the time off and spontaneously decide what to do. I had a babysitter two evenings a week and couldn’t have survived without her. Occasional summer camp when they were older really just meant I could work during school holidays.

I did spontaneous things with the children, and my parents covered the occasional weekend when they were 8-10. It was restrictive but children are and we all sign up for that; “kindreren zijn hinderen” and free weekends are only for the divorced.

Sympathy, it’s possible to feel very trapped and very emotionally and practically tied to the children at the same time.