To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

In fairness OP you are probably still in the worst time of parenting for not having freedom, 3 year olds are hard work, as is having more than one child. I'm 45 with a 5 year old and I totally appreciate how hard it is to just not have any freedom at all, the thing I am finding though is now mine is getting older she is a joy to be around and likes being with me doing the things that I like to do, so dog walks, exploring, craft sessions, mooching round the shops, I do lots of things orientated for her but I also have worked on her doing things that I like to do too.. that way I don't feel like I'm sacrificing everything that I enjoy, it has only really come about in the last year or so though, I remember my nephew being the same good company as he got older.

You seem to have reacted badly to this suggestion, but I do appreciate that I had my freedom to do what ever I liked whenever I liked for many years before having children, it's not a decision I actively made, it was down to circumstances more than anything, but I actually think I am a better parent now than I would have been in my twenties, although I probably feel the loss of my freedom more because of it. I do feel slightly jealous of the people I went to school with who had children early and now have grown up children and have their freedom back now!

Being widowed is of course going to make you feel like you've been duped, this isn't what you signed up for, but a support system can really make a massive difference, if you don't have one already, you may have to work on cultivating one in other places as best as you can.

I find it incredibly crass for a childless person to come on a parenting website and tell a struggling widow she shouldn't have had kids in case her husband died and parenting is hard.

I'm sorry for your loss op and I can imagine it's overwhelming.

I think pp make a good point about continuing with squirrels/beavers. My oldest does brownies and did a 2 night camp in the spring when she was still 7. So you might get them both on camp for the odd weekend which will be nice.

Also, not now as they are too young, but as they get older maybe you could find an older teenager who can come to your house and hang out with them for the weekend? DD's best friend has a big sister who is 17, my youngest is 4 and too young in my opinion but we'd definitely do this in a couple of years. She has recently spent a weekend babysitting another friend's kids in their home who are 7 and 9. I think they paid her £200 for the weekend, which is a lot, but if it's once per year or so? She was delighted, we live rurally and there's really limited opportunities to make money for teens so she's now canvassing hard for weekend babysitting gigs 😂.

The other thing I'd say to give you some hope, is there's a transition when they are somewhere in that 7-9 region where they go from being a little kid to genuinely good company. Like I say DD is 8 and over the past year she's turned into someone who gets my sense of humour, wants to go see interesting stuff at the theatre, has a proper interest in a wander round a museum etc. In a few years you might find you need a break from them less because the relationship is different.

Hang in there.

That's tough OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm separated from my kids' dad and we get on really well, I trust him implicitly, so every other weekend I get a break to be me again and it makes such a difference. Don't know what to suggest but wishing you the best.

I had kids a bit later than average and found it hard to adapt.

And doing it solo must be very tough - and bereaved - I'm sorry for your loss OP, that sounds really hard and I hope YOU have some support. X

So sorry for your loss @overandoveragain26 and for the insensitivity from a few posters. Your age is irrelevant. You are still grieving the loss of your husband and trying to help 2 young children try and understand why Daddy is no longer around. Have you had some counselling?
You have already had some suggestions so hopefully you will find some useful. Perhaps start slowly as has been suggested like jumping on a bus, having coffee and giving yourself an hour or two to just sit and relax.
Good luck.

I feel for you, I was widowed at 44 when my youngest was 3. I did feel I had a bit of freedom on playgroup days ( she's 36 now!) As others have said, tried to make the days as fun as possible, even though on a tiny budget. The other 2 were soon going for sleepovers, brownie and cub stay overs. It doesn't last forever, and can be some of the best times.

Just wow. This is why I don’t bother with MM compared to other more supportive platforms.
Theres always a wave of people who love to push someone when they’re down so to speak.

Perhaps read her back story or scroll on by.

There’s a saying; if you nothing constructive or nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

You are allowed and justified in feeling however you feel. You have gone through a huge loss as well as two pregnancies over the space of six or seven years and are obviously grieving. Getting used to the changes children brought would have been different if you had been able to do it together.
Are there any bereavement support groups near you? If so that might be a way to meet others who have been through the same as you so understand better.
Can you make a list of the things you might suddenly fancy, like chocolate, and buy a supply in which you stash in a treat box? I know it isn’t the same as genuine spontaneity but might help.
I am a huge believer in the benefits of doing something creative, whether baking, knitting, painting whatever. Something which takes your concentration is calming. I do appreciate that if hill climbing was you passion you are more restricted.

Not always necessarily. You don’t know what people’s earlier yrs looked like. If they were grinding away working non stop with no yrs of fun to support others. A carer in their youth for someone close to them. Bereaved and dealing with that. Previous earlier life baby loss. Saving up for IVF for yrs and yrs. You never really know someone’s life.
This is a sweeping judgement that doesn’t fit that everyone is out running about having fun for more of their youthful yrs if they had children later.

Sorry @overandoveragain26 - I was going to stay and fight for you but this thread is silly now so I will also bow out. Hope you are ok!

I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum
Well, yes, obviously. Why is this a revelation to you? What did you think parenting entails if not being responsible for your children?

Bully for you! You’re being incredibly harsh to parents who do struggle. Not everyone is as perfect as you.

Why would you tell someone you don't know what she really means?? She started a thread saying she misses her freedom, just assume that is what she means! It is a valid and rational response to being suddenly widowed at a young age.

Also - many mothers and presumably fathers can just swan off and spend some time doing what they fancy because they have someone at home to pick up the pieces, even with 3 kiss.

I've only read your posts @overandoveragain26 . I'm shocked to hear that the message you're getting from some posters are about your age rather than the fact you have been widowed before your time and are now living a life you never expected to. That's awful. Shame on those posters.

My mum was widowed at 33 and left with me (3) and my older sister (7) to raise. So I understand a little of what you're experiencing. No family close by at all.

Back in the 80s, an organisation existed called Gingerbread. It was for single parents (which were a rarity back then). Mum made a few friends there and they used to reciprocate babysitting each others children. So we often used to have mum's friends kids at our house to play for a few hours/the day so their mum could go out. We'd also go to their house for the day, so our mum could go out.

Mum was close to one woman in particular - her children would do a sleep over at ours every few months. And we'd sleep over at hers every few months.

I imagine it was a lifesaver for mum to have these days/nights as every parent needs a little breathing space now and then.

Do any local groups like this exist near you? If not, do you have the gumption to set one up yourself on social media and see what happens?

Another thought I had is that could you employ a childminder once a week? They do extended days, so you could drop off at 8am and collect at 6pm. They'll also do the school run for your eldest.

All the best finding the breathing space you need.

Omg the replies on this thread are shocking! I suspect OP won't be back and who blames her...

A grieving single mother wants an anonymous moan about something which is - without question - hard. And gets loads of replies along the vein of what did you expect, suck it up, at least you had your decades of fun, this is life now...

Seriously I get that some people enjoy arguing their point online but pick a different thread!

You are grieving OP and dealing with a life you did not expect. Really difficult.

I am a single parent. I am a teacher so no time without my DC’s. They are at school every day I am.

Can you think of solutions around the spontaneity and a change of routine? Something positive.

I found going camping or glamping gave all of us a change of routine. Less rules, less expectation, some fun together. It doesn’t matter so much about routine, which clothes we pull on and the chores become a joint venture!

Even better if you have a friend with DC’s or a group of friends that you can do this with.
A friend of mine has a small camper van. She and her DC’s go away with a group of others all female with DC’s - a group found through social media.

Could anything like that be of interest?

I am sorry for your loss.
I think that you do have a romanticised view of what parenting is like if both children's parents are living together. I have 3 children and cannot just go to the shops, take a random day to go explore etc. Everything has to be planned. Like most of the other mothers i know. Many mothers have partners who work shifts, work away from home, long hours, refuse to look after their own children alone, have caring responsibilities for elderly parents, etc. Its not like there are two parents sat about the place all weekend or evening ready to tic-tack with each other on parenting duty. Its a full time 24-7 job, or has been for me anyway.
Yes, what has happened in your life is terrible and you are certainly grieving, justifiably so, but its not freedom you are missing out on because of your loss, it's your relationship.

@overandoveragain26 you are obviously in a horrible and unexpected situation but it does make a difference being an older parent.
You've had your 20s and 30s to travel/build a career/buy a home etc etc. Younger sole parents might have to wait till their 40s and 50s to do that, so the other way around.
Could you budget to find a mature babysitter who could give you some regular time out? That could build up over time to a night away. You clearly feel trapped by your situation so finding a way to give yourself a small window for yourself might be a start.

This if you can afford it. As a lone parent I always used Scott Dunn they had the best kids clubs, DD had a blast and I got to have downtime, read a book, go for a swim, wander round Dubrovnik or wherever we were.

Hello.

I am really sorry that you lost your partner. My freedom is constrained by having an adult daughter with disabilities. I love her dearly but sometimes the lack of freedom is soul destroying.

I do, however, have an ex who lives abroad and does sometimes take over the responsibility. That makes a HUGE difference and keeps me (just about) sane, so I completely understand why you are struggling.

I don't blame you for being angry. You have been dealt a really tough hand.

I'm 46 and I've been a mother since 1996. I'm totally free now and have been for years, but it's swings and roundabouts isn't it?

Whilst I was raising children you were enjoying your freedom. So now it's the other way round - you're the one raising children whilst I'm enjoying freedom.

We all have that period of restrictions and responsibilities.

We are the same. No childcare. Not even for a school pick up etc so always rushing. We just enjoyed time when they were in nursery (although that has gone now too as eldest in school and always off when I am off - I'm a teacher). It's hard and you have my sympathy.

I think the problem is their ages: 6 and 3 are very demanding and you feel very trapped (more so as a lone parent I imagine). 6 and 9 however is a completely different story… So is 5 and 8. What I’m saying is that this is just a season and I think we all feel like this to an extent when our children are small. They don’t feel quite so suffocating in a few years time, and become much more portable. I don’t actually long for this anymore (mine are 10 and 13) but I did when they were tiny (and I had mine at 27 and 30 so I don’t think age really affects how you feel!)

Would a holiday with an excellent children's club be possible for you? There are lots of hotels in Germany/ Switzerland 'Kinder Hotels' they are not cheap. But include childcare.

I have a husband and some support and I find it very hard sometimes thinking about my lack of freedom. Your situation is very different, and sounds very difficult. x