To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

I get what you mean op and some of the replies have been bizarre. Since you’re a single parent by bereavement there’s not even the possibility that the other parent will at some point step up and help you out (as some fathers are prepared to have them more when they’re a bit older).

It’s really crap for you and I really remember that loss of spontaneity (although not a single parent) and I used to long for the days where needing a pint of milk meant taking just my purse and keys to the shop rather than a huge faff with a pram or a pushchair etc.

feel free to rant away and ignore the unkind replies. Only advice I have is make friends with other single mums ( my H was useless and they were my lifeline and I theirs). And don’t give up on scouts - I used to be a beaver leader and our group would take the whole group (beavers, cubs and scouts) away for a whole week camping. That would give you some guilt free time on your own - even though I know it’s a few years off yet.

I agree that some posters on here, just want to ‘kick someone else’, appalling with all that you are going through. I don’t even hope it makes them feel better about themselves, they should be ashamed.

However, some of us do understand and have tried to make helpful suggestions around routine, help, freedoms.

Having been bereaved recently (my son) I am wondering if your feelings are, quite reasonably, a reaction in grief rather than this being about sole parenting.

I have completely lost my ability to be active, I don’t want to be involved in anything. I feel exhausted. I can’t be bothered. Everything is an effort. Some days I want to just hide in the duvet, others I just want to ‘run away’.

Of course, as sole parents we can’t run, hide or step down. But it is ok to recognise the effects of grief.

It’s hardly controversial to suggest parenting is a bloody sight harder doing it alone than it is in a relationship. And more difficult still when you are grieving the loss of your partner/children’s other parent.
A refusal to acknowledge that is just plain weird.

You can't be spontaneous when you have young children. Life just isn't that way until they are adults probably. Sorry to break that to you. We're all in it. 👍🏼

Child free actually. And when did I tell OP she shouldn’t have had children? I have said that parenting is hard, regardless of your relationship status. You need to improve your reading comprehension.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss, that must be incredibly tough.

I can recall being miffed at the loss of spontaneity. I know you won't be able to imagine this, and it probably won't help you right now, but several years from now you will yearn for these days back in a way that you can't imagine.

I have a daughter who is 28 and she lives in New Zealand, so I never see her. I also have a son who is 29, who lives only half an hour away, but he's always too busy to see me (which I get). I lost my final parent last month, and found videos in his house of me and my children when they were little, and I watch them most nights, drinking too much wine and crying. I would pay THOUSANDS to just be able to go back for one day, to those times. I just didn't appreciate at the time how lovely everything was, because I was too busy to notice. My heart is aching, literally.

Not helpful Op, sorry. Easier days ahead I hope. xx

Single parenting is tough, more so when it is a bereavement or not a relief to get rid of the other parent. Sorry for your loss.

Ex couldn't have them solo until they were old enough to get food and drink and behave safely by themselves. You just take them with you and adjust your freedom to include them. It's not the same at all but the best you can do. It's really shit not being able to just pop out but get you all ready.

I hope you find something nice for you.

OP I absolutely understand you. I have no idea why anyone is giving you a hard time here! Or quibbling with how you feel.

You are a fully lone parent. I have friends in this position (for both bereavement and abandonment reasons) - and it's unbelievably tough.

Of course you are correct you have lost freedom and while many parents in couples are also pretty restricted, they can at least book in the odd weekend away or night off.

So, what I would say in practical terms is rather than focus on what is difficult is look really at whether there is anything you can do about this.

I have a husband who I am happy with so I am not in your position - however I Have SEN child with very high care needs and my husband has to work FT long hours so that I can work little/ part time to care for our child. I didn't choose this and sometimes I deeeply resent my life and what has happened to me.

I also though try to be zen! We all have our burdens - I am not comparing mine to yours, I think yours is bloody tough and as well as your burden you have your grief and loss to bear.

so - huge sympathies.

But - what you could do is small steps to consider what you could build up to in terms of freedom.

Regular playdates -where you often take other kids so that if you ever want a long day out - you can ask another mum to pick your kids up froms chool

Look on Koru Kids or similar - find after school nanny or babysitter.

iuse a babysitter more frequently than you need to build up a relationship?

Find a local mum who is great with kids whose kids are older now and is up for ad hoc childcare

I am not saying it's easy but - sometimes it helps to feel we have some control over our lives even when we have very little.

I cry tears of frustration and sadness at all I have lost because of the caring I have to do but - as I know reading your post everyone has different burdens to bear.

So sorry for your loss, @overandoveragain26

To add to my previous post...

I also remember my aunt when she had my three cousins in the 80s. She was younger than my uncle, and he worked away in the middle east. She could not deal with the youngest baby in particular, and my mother had to stop her throwing him against the wall at one point when she was very depressed.

That youngest baby is now 42 and she has had her life back for many years. My uncle also passed away so she is on her own. The three children (all in their 40s) help her out no end, drive her around, they go on holiday together, etc. That youngest baby is especially helpful and does so much for her.

It can be incredibly hard, but hang in there, the rewards are absolutely worth it.

It's really not helpful to say that you loved being a lone parent.
You had one child,while this lady has two.
You don't say that you have been bereaved, as she was.
She has no family to call on.
They are two entirely different situations.
A little sympathy would do more good.

@overandoveragain26 hopping on to say, as a childfree by choice person, if you were my friend I'd happily have the kids for a day or weekend but I would probably wait for you to ask, because it can feel like an overstep to suggest it when I don't have kids of my own (though plenty of experience being eldest by some way of a horde of cousins).

I'd also very happily facilitate the smaller stuff and do already for a couple of friends who can't leave the house easily, things like picking up milk or your example of chocolate or even just you getting out for a walk while someone stays in the house for sleeping kids.

Which is to say, I don't think it's as big an ask for your friends as you think it might be and it's probably worth having this conversation with them as they might be totally happy to help but unaware you'd like help in this way.

Sorry not hugely articulate this morning but I understand where you're coming from and sending unmumsnetty hugs.

I had 3 kids at a similar age to you, with 5 years between the oldest and youngest. I was left on my own suddenly - not bereavement, but another woman - when the youngest was 2. No family nearby to help. I'm sorry for your situation, but at least you couldn't have expectations of your DH. I did, and that made things worse as he rarely took them. He also cancelled last-minute, brought them home early etc, so plans I was able to make fell away.
I understand the lack of spontaneity. It's hard! But you will get that back. I finally have and it's fantastic! You just have to cram what you can into the time you do have. I remember the sense of freedom that putting on my walking boots gave me - even if I was called while I was out by the school office, because one of the kids was sick. That happened a few times! So work out what gives you that sense of freedom and spontaneity and go for it, within your time frame. And give yourself time to grieve. It sounds like that's bundled in with how you're feeling.

Op I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel like your widowhood and the impact of it on your life has been somewhat minimised by some posters, maybe they just read the OP?

I have disabled dd30. I feel your post in my bones, and my dh is still alive. My ds and his fiancé are wonderful but they have a life to live. It’s the small things that get you down isn’t it? And no one really gets it. It’s so isolating.

My kids are grown up now but I recall feeing much the same when they were little. My absolute pet hate is having to choose what you want for a dinner event months/weeks in advance - and its a similar feeling, the spontaneity of just doing what you want when you want is a wonderful thing you don’t even notice until its gone. It will get better quicker than 10yrs though OP, but by then you’ll find the blighters have an opinion of their own and want to come, or not that restaurant or different film/holiday destination etc it’ll be spontaneous, but quite possibly not your first choice!

As they get older, clubs clubs clubs! Try scouts, cubs, Air Training Corpse when hit teens. These places take the kids camping etc for long weekends - time for you! Snatch them when you can. I think that's all there is until they're older now and make their own way.

It's so very hard and yes, you're right, you're completely tied without family you can ask. Parenting is hard and sorry going it alone.

Ps, the ATC I went to and loved it, went for years and was out the house a lot, sometimes a week at a time in summer. Stayed at RAF bases, Duke of Edinburgh award, camping, canal boat holidays.. Was perfect for those awkward bored teenage years.

I would consider a nanny through a nanny agency they often have adhoc babysitters. Even if you built it up gradually so day time sitting, then an evening, until overnight. It’s hardwork when they are not at school. As a single parent without a break that is hard. No you won’t have the spontaneity of a night out but I think that’s parenting in general but you do deserve a break.

I know people are fixating on your age. I had children a little older and I didn’t factor in how much I’d miss my freedom. I wasn’t a LP, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling.

I think in time you’ll find your tribe and they’ll see you and offer you some respite. I did and would have children stay with us for a weekend night/day every now and again. It was a small thing, all the kids got on (mostly) and the parent got to breathe.

@overandoveragain26 I am a lone parent and fully understand what you are saying. I tried to reclaim my spontaneity by doing the things I used to do, just with kids in tow. It felt like a fuck you to the world which is not built for lone parents. Mainly travelling, we travelled to all sorts of places just the 3 of us - it was actually easier when they were little. Now they are big and have opinions and don't want to go to Vietnam, they want to go camping with their friends. I'm also finding that fewer people help out as they get older. I'm still about 3 years away from being able to leave them overnight and haven't had a night away from the both of them in about 3 years.
I have no suggestions, but I can empathise. Until you are a lone parent, you have no idea how trapped and powerless you feel.

I'm sorry you've been left feeling worse, some replies have been really tone deaf. Usually it's because everyone only read the first post. But in this case, if they are focusing on your age, they've read on and decided the real problem isn't bereavement, it's age!

I think sometimes Mumsnet users rush to 'fix the problem' rather than realising the OP just wants a bit of sympathy. And of course the biggest 'problem' here just can't be fixed. It's OK to occasionally scream 'it's not fair' into the void.

Hopefully you will find you can fit a lot more than you think into days off between 9 and 3. Also in less than a decade you'll be able to send your eldest to the corner shop for essential chocolate.

Freedom doesn't suddenly come all at once. It's baby steps as life meanders on.

Fellow single mum here, my ex has moved abroad. It is very tough. We split when our kids were similar age to yours. You've got the added layer of grief which I've not had to contend with.
It is is exhausting and there are days where I feel completely lost and get scared of how I can keep going. You're not being unreasonable. It's a lonely and suffocating place to be. It's horrible having to be strong all the time.

But if it is slightly reassuring, my children are now mid/end primary and I'm getting some more days off. As they are easier to be look after by friends and can be at two different play dates. They are also more independent so they can just get on with playing together while I read a book etc. I'm not on spontaneous days yet but I have found this has given me some hope. I hope it does for you too?

I understand not wanting to ask for help and not wanting to put out others. I was the same at the beginning and please don't think I'm underplaying your feelings but you'll be surprised how many people would actually love to help with no expectations to do it back.

I understand that you're not here to problem solve as it's not fully solvable and forgive me if you've already considered this, but any chance you can condense your work hours? I know it won't be a full day but something regular is slightly better than nothing.

I'm sorry for your loss and the amount of pressure you have at the moment. It will get a bit better in time but I understand the feeling of it being endless.

OP, I am genuinely shocked at some responses. I don't know anyone who would write some of the things that have been written! I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am just back from a weekend away with my 9 and 7 year old and I am hiding drinking tea on MN. I find it hard and I am not going through grief/doing it all on my own. I will say though that every year gets easier. Mine love being allowed to walk to the shops on their own, call to their friends etc. It's great not being so "needed" all the time. They recently asked me to sit away from them and their friends (to where I wasn't in view😃)when we went out for lunch.

I’m so sorry. I was a solo parent to twins and despised my life for a time. The example you gave of the chocolate really resonated. Such a small thing, but illustrates perfectly how TRAPPED you are in the moment.
Loads of love. x

Not quite 10 years. There will be school and scout overnights and friends sleepovers. Try to plan so if one is away, the other has a sleepover too, so you can have a proper break.

Is there another single mum you like and trust who you could do swaps with? You have her DC overnight one week, and she has yours the following week. Even if you just do it once a month, if DC get on, and your friend is reliable, it could become a good routine so you each get a regular break.