To feel like I’ve lost my freedom and spontaneity for the next decade minimum

And @Jackiepumpkinhead are you kidding me, empathy? You’ve shown not one shred of empathy, or decency, of kindness. Not one.

I don’t think it matters but you repeated that it did, that had I only explained in my OP, you would have responded differently, except that was clearly untrue as all your responses were a long time after mine.

What I want is for you to find some other thread, tbh. I don’t want to keep engaging here.

Well, we evidently differ in what we think is horrible as I’m afraid I do think they are absolutely fucking heartless.

Once you added that, people’s replies changed.

remember you already have had 20 adult years of freedom - that’s more than most on this forum

Yes this is what parenting is unfortunately when your children are small. If you're in your 40s you had decades of freedom before you had children so I think you just have to accept that until they're older, you won't have that kind of freedom

I actually think it is harder for those who have kids a bit later to adapt to the lack of freedom, having had two decades of complete freedom beforehand

It’s not really solely a lone parent problem - most parents lose that spontaneity and freedom when they have kids … I just suck it up, it won’t be forever

Its called parenthood

To be fair you waited till 40 to have kids so you had over 20 years of adult life to be free and spontaneous. You also must have predicted life would be this way for a while, it’s just motherhood for most people

I don’t want to sound harsh, but what did you expect parenting to be? I ask that genuinely, not trying to be snarky. I’m really sorry about the children’s dad but even having two parents, parenting is extremely hard work and exhausting (that was you)

I acknowledged the loss of her children’s father (that was also you; big of you. FYI both your posts were several hours after I explained that we’d suffered a loss.)

What did you think parenting entails if not being responsible for your children

And finally another one from you

I read all your drip feeding posts, and I am still baffled as to why parents/parent are surprised by how hard parenting is

So you read all my posts, the only ‘drip feed’ was it was death rather than abandonment, but you still think that it was OK to say that to me. And you think if I’d said from the start DH had died I wouldn’t have had the above replies except the ones above are all from after this post.

But why would those replies be OK if he’d walked out, or been sentenced to life imprisonment? They wouldn’t be, would they? They’d be just as cruel and callous and unkind.

I have to say there were a lot of very kind posts too and thank you. Unfortunately though you fixate on the horrible ones, it’s like they jump out and claw you somehow.

But frankly, saying "oh, it's 6h, not 8h, I couldn't enjoy myself in 6h" is cutting off your nose to spite your face

No, @TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis , I haven’t said that, and why you want to twist my words like that I don’t know. But I shall try to explain.

So for example I went to a museum in Leeds once, when pregnant with my ds (and with DH.) I really enjoyed it but due to being heavily pregnant struggled to get round it. Leeds is about two hours from where I live, so even if I can guarantee the traffic is behaving itself (and anyone familiar with the M1 knows this isn’t a given) I get there around 11 and then have a rushed and harried two hours before having to shoot off again. In that instance yes, eight hours would make a difference.

There is a huge different between resenting a situation (I don’t) and feeling sad about a situation and what could have been (I do) but I’m sure you’ll tell me I’m wrong about that too.

@Jackiepumpkinhead - I clearly said I had already posted in Lone Parents. I don’t actually think it matters if a woman (it usually is a woman) is abandoned or widowed in this particular scenario.

If you are telling me you only read my first post, you didn’t notice that I had already posted in Lone Parents and therefore am a lone parent (or that you did notice it but felt that a woman left by a man is deserving of criticism and harsh words) and therefore felt justified in making an unpleasant reply I’m afraid we aren’t going to agree.

@AtFirstLight thank you. I think as much as parenting can bring joy it can also bring isolation and I am feeling that heavily at the moment.

Thanks too @AnneElliott . to be clear though I haven’t ’given up’ on Scouts, I’m just explaining it isn’t a ticket for a free weekend for a good number of years

Actually, I clearly said I had already posted in lone parents and I don’t think the reason someone is alone is especially important.

@Jackiepumpkinhead parenting is hard, absolutely it is. But you can reasonably expect the odd break when you’re in a couple.

Imagine for a moment I had posted and said ‘I’m so tired, I want a lie in, I want a night off from doing baths and stories, I want to go to another city and explore it one Saturday’ - I wouldn’t get ‘suck it up buttercup’ replies; I’d get ‘where’s the dad, your partner should be stepping up, you should be getting equal amounts of free time.’

Of course, that isn’t a possibility for me and I do think it’s that people are missing - truthfully HOW they are missing it is really bizarre as it’s blindingly obvious, but they are, so rather than ‘Op, that’s really hard, it will get a lot easier though, I promise’ I’ve had ‘oh well, you had your thirties and twenties, it’s hard for us all you know’ sort of replied. And they have been upsetting, tbh, not because I think my situation is somehow unique - more that it’s made me feel I’m making a silly fuss about nothing and although I know that’s not the case, it did feel that way.

I’m sorry to be blunt but anyone replying to this thread with a husband or partner who is alive and present and trying to make out the situations are comparable is attention seeking and ridiculous.