Rude husband

Does he have ASD?

OP said she thinks he might be autistic. No diagnosis is provided (as is usually the case on these threads).

Sorry, but people are bending over backwards to find excuses for this behaviour and it's ridiculous.

Some people find "being social" exhausting, sure. But no one has to go to a family gathering, take themselves away from the family party, ignore their hosts and get slaughtered on their own, refusing to join in. It's just breathtakingly rude. You don't have to move in with these people, you just have to be reasonably polite for a couple of hours.

I'm tired of neurodiversity (or usually just the suspicion of neurodiversity) or anxiety or "being an introvert" being used to wave this sort of thing away. These conditions, or just vague attachment of a cod diagnosis, aren't a reason to suspend normal rules of decent behaviour. It's insulting to people who have autism and are perfectly capable of handling themselves in awkward situations without drinking themselves to oblivion. And its the OP who's constantly stuck in the middle between her friends and family on the one hand and her selfish oaf of a husband on the other.

It's not an acceptable way to behave in a marriage, let's be honest about this.

You have suddenly decided he is autistic based on what? No evidence whatsoever of this.
OP said it, see above.

You also are just seeing it just from OP's annoyed point of view. For all we know, DH does his best, his version of a joke was misinterpreted and OP constantly pressurises him but not helping/providing a carrot instead of stick. My DH and I (not officially ND) find being social exhausting. Fortunately, if one of us disappears and reads in a corner, noone blinks an eye. If I were pressured though, I would probably get a bit ratty about it too.

So, could this be more of a case of incompatibility between the couple?

I agree with you to a certain extent, but I also have lived experience of this and it is soul destroying. You start avoiding social situations, or you go but you are always pre empting 'bad' behaviour, and then when they start being rude you're trying to do damage control and excuse them. It's exhausting and unfair.

Why did you marry someone like this in the first place? It sounds like this is just who he is, whether its autism or not, you can't change him

You married someone with social struggles. It seems unfair to accept it then but now have a big issue with it. If it was a problem you shouldn't have married him.

You can't have 'some autism', you either have it or you don't. My DH does. They are rude and act out when they are fearful and feeling anxious. My husband was always so rude when socialising, it was mortifying. Honestly, if he was still that way, I would have left. He started DBT privately and it has changed his life, and mine. He is far more self aware and when he thinks back to the way he used to behave he is also mortified. Now he has skills to help in situations that felt out of control to him before. Autism is thrown around far too much these days, its hard to live with and the underlying feeling is anxiety, which usually presents itself as a very rude and unreasonable person. If your DH is more good than bad, suggest DBT. Its not cheap, but if he applies himself it could save your marriage and his social life.

You have suddenly decided he is autistic based on what? No evidence whatsoever of this.

Neurodiversity isn’t an a la carte menu of excuses to be applied after the event when someone behaves like an absolute turd.

Autistic people are not automatically incapable of comporting themselves with respect and decency.

The bar is so low on here for male behaviour and every time a man behaves like an arsehole we rush to apply one of these labels as a post hoc justification. Its honestly pathetic.

If he is neurodiverse or has social anxiety its on him to manage it appropriately. He doesn’t get to behave like a teenager and push the OP’s family away.

Leave him at home when you're socialising. Don't inflict his poor behaviour on others.

I’d compare how he is at other social events. Does he have friends, go to a workplace with other people, see his own family? And does he sit on his own and not talk to anyone on those occasions?

Part of being in an adult relationship is to make some effort with your partner's friends and family. I'd understand the odd bad day where a partner couldn't cope but if this is what they're just like and it can't be treated then they should probably stay single, it's not fair on any partner.

Why do you keep taking him to things that he doesn't like and isn't good at?

If he is shy, introverted, anxious etc then making him go to social things must be torture for him

Presumably he's been like this for a while..

YABU. You married him knowing he was like this, knowing he “struggles socially”. You accepted it.

So no, you cannot complain now. It isn’t out of the blue.

Of course it was offensive, not the comment alone, but going to someone’s home and then sitting away from them is completely unacceptable. If he’s so socially awkward he really can’t cope he should have either made excuses and left or never came.

i simply could not be with someone whose issues were so severe.

I would leave him at home next time, do everyone a favour.

I don't get it. Everyone is aware of autism, but annoyed when it actually happens?
He should make some effort, if he can, but it might also be too much for him. Also, why would you expect him to change?

whether it is autism/introvert/social anxiety non are an excuse for being an arsehole and i say that as
someone who suffers from the above.

Gatherings of other people’s family are some of the hardest with all of the injokes and family foods and traditions that feel alien. BUT there are tools and techniques people use. And he needs to find his. Which parts does he find ok-and which parts would he rather avoid. It wont be everything.

I cope better if its not super long. If i have an exit plan and if i know i have time to myself to reset immediately afterwards. I find it ok to talk to people 1 on 1 at the event and not in a large group. I prefer to go up to the buffet last. I am quite happy listening without pressure to join in. I am engaged and dont sit separately on my own. But i might take breaks to the toilet, sit briefly indoors or walk around the garden or play with any kids.

For his wife if not for himself he needs to learn to cope better: we all have to do stuff we dont want to do sometimes

When did you last see a woman who was visiting her in laws sit on her own outside the family gathering, drinking herself into a stupor and refusing to join in.

This isn’t about anxiety. Its him trying to punish her for having her own support system. Its abuse, and the “anxiety” is a figleaf.

‘So called anxiety’

you wouldn’t say this to a woman visiting her in-laws. No wonder men don’t speak up about their mental health

I seriously would leave. He will just ruin your relationship with your family, ruin your social life. How can you enjoy life living with someone who you are worried will embarrass you like that whenever you go anywhere together?

how many people were there? You say close family but then mention an uncle which to me sounds like it could have been quite a big gathering. Maybe it would be easier arranging some smaller get togethers? Is he better if it’s just 2 couples for example? And then leave him home for larger gatherings? I do agree he shouldn’t be rude though although what he said sounds to me like an awkward joke gone wrong.

Has he tried getting treated for social anxiety, I had it quite bad and would make stupid jokes etc. having said that I would have been too anxious to make a point of sitting completely separately from everyone else. I’m usually one of those “ASD and ADHD is over diagnosed” people but in your husbands case could it be autism?