Rude husband

It really does come down to your values. We all have to push ourselves a bit sometimes for the things we value. If you value having good relationships with family and friends, you need to accept that this means showing up and being present for them. There are all sorts of strategies you can use to make this easier — making sure you don’t drain your social battery with other things too close to an important occasion, taking some time out during longer events but making sure when you are in the room you are fully engaging with others, planning to work from home if you can on days either side of a big event so you’re not too taxed by it, talking to people on their own so you can have one on one catch ups if talking to larger groups is harder for you (one on one also makes it easier to bypass the small talk, which I also struggle with) etc. etc. But it all comes down to how important those relationships are to you.
Sometimes people don’t see them as important and are just happy to have family in the general vicinity and that is enough for them, but I don’t find that enough and want to have meaningful connections.

I was very low contact with my late DPs family because some of them were very rightwing, racist and sexist. One of them would try and goad me into arguments and then get abusive when I didn't rise to it. DP was very frank with them about why I didn't always go with him, and they respected that.

If your DH finds it so difficult, OP, leave him at home. It sounds as though that would be best for everyone.

What attracted you to him? I assume he must have been some what social at first at least with you? So he can do it?

Why does he come with you to family events?

He clearly, by his actions doesn’t want to be at the event or around people, so why does he attend?

I’m autistic and sometimes struggle a lot with social events, but I also understand that it is downright rude to show up and sit in a corner. I make an effort. If I’m having a really bad week I will skip the occasion. But even I would struggle with a partner who couldn’t participate in family and other social occasions with me. For me it’s an important part of life together.

Why don't you ask him if he wants to go to these events or not - If he doesn't then leave him at home - if anyone asks about him, tell them social situations make him anxious so you both decided he should stay home. You will both be happy then.

Confused why he has to come along? Surely you would both enjoy the evening more if you went and he stayed home. Feels like this is a molehill into a mountain type thing. And if your family are critical of him not being there, tell them he is tired from work and needed a rest or something, move on and enjoy seeing your family.

I agree. If he really finds these outings so unbearably stressful it would be kinder to everyone to leave him at home. Explain he has social anxiety and it's not personal and enjoy your family time.

Next time just leave him at home!!

But .... Is he a good husband in other ways?

Some people just hate small talk, get anxious over social situations and are just not the life and soul of the party.

Yes, you're annoyed and that's fine, maybe you have a right to be but perhaps stick with him when you're with your family, don't make him the centre of attention but don't leave him to his own devices either. Make it very clear before you go what is expected of him and perhaps see if you can find some proper professional help for him to overcome this awkwardness to an extent.

It's OK to be irked but think about his good qualities, he went, and he must have hated it, but he went because you wanted him to. ❤️

You don't need to say anything. Just stop telling him about the things you get invited to and go by yourself. If he asks why he didn't know about them, tell him it's because you don't want him out there until he acknowledges that his behaviour isn't okay in social settings. That is, of course, assuming you have asked him many times to reconside his behaviour and he hasn't made any changes.

I think your family sounds really accommodating - I don't know any family who wouldn't think it's weird that someone who's been a part of the family for so many years still struggles to interact with them. With all respect, your husband needs to put some work in and make an effort for the people who're making an effort for him. He sounds really passive, and like the world should adapt to him being awkward and unwilling to change.

He sounds autistic. My DH has AuDHD. He struggles socially but will mask all the way through so he appears to be making an effort. He’s really good at masking and highly entertaining. Unfortunately when we get home he’s crippled within an hour with a migraine and shuts down. This shut down can last for ages and he watches his favourite films to regulate. Getting worse as he gets older as he says no to doing so many things because he can’t handle it.

My partner can be a bit like this but not all the time. One time we went out for a friends birthday for a meal, he spent over 2 hours on his phone watching the football, didn’t interact with anyone. He’s got worse since we had kids and now has an excuse for his rudeness as he’s ’focussing on the kids’. I get what you mean with the ick especially as I socialise well at his family get togethers. But I knew he was like this from early doors so I can’t really change it now.

Well no, social anxiety can indeed render you speechless. It can also make you say and do stupid things.

Just don’t have him attend anymore he doesn’t like it if it was the other way round would you want to go. You don’t need him to go with you I find it better for my anxiety when I attend things alone. I’m more relaxed and don’t have to wait for the sarcasm.

I’m sorry but I have several neurodivergent conditions but as a fully grown adult I know how to mask for extended periods of time to function at things like this.Tell him to get some CBT or he can move out.

He sounds exactly like my FIL.
We're at a point now that we say hi when we go in the house and that's it, he sits at his computer or sits and stares into space.
Occasionally he will say something but it's usually quite wierd/stops the conversation dead/ offends someone. He never leaves the house now either.

It's happened over the years, mostly after he retired.
My MIL on the otherhand is warm, friendly, extroverted. I don't know how she puts up with him but I don't think she would leave after 50 years together.
She gets all her socialising with friends and family, goes on holiday with sisters and us.
Have you been together long? Do you enjoy his company when it is just the two of you?

What’s he like with his friends and his family like his uncles, aunts, cousins?

If he can be sociable and conversational with them then it suggests what he’s doing with your famiky is deliberate and rude.

But if he’s anti-social with everyone except you and his parents then it suggests he does have social anxiety.

You just need to decide if you can live with it or not.

I guess it really depends on how much you love him over&against how much you derive pleasure/gain fulfilment from interaction with your wider circle of friends and family.
if you love him, despite what a social isolate he is, then you'll choose to stay with him and, thereby, limit your life to his horizons.

It is a choice, OP.
If, on the other hand, you are finding this harder and harder to withstand, then you will need to think differently about the future course of your marriage.
It might be time to find a good counsellor/psychotherapist to work with you? To lay out and examining your predispositions. To lay bare your inbuilt constraints re: choices. This might open up a window for you to really see your own wishes and dreams for your own future.