My brother was horrid to me last night

Sounds like he deeply resents you and it's nothing to do with your job or living circumstances. Maybe as a 9 year old he always hoped his parents would reconcile but your arrival after 5 years put an end to hope. You got to grow up with 2 parents while he didn't. Maybe he resents women in general after what his mum did- affair and pushing his Dad away. While this is sad none of this is your fault and you shouldn't have to put up with being on the receiving end. He probably needs therapy to work through this but it sounds unlikely he has the insight to go for that option. You can't have a relationship with someone who harbours that much resentment towards you. Your father should really speak to him before the next family gathering and set down some ground rules. I wouldn't see him without others present and go very low contact.

don’t want my dad to be subjected to the sort of anger he can display.

can your dad not cope with an angry human? Why is your dad not being harmed by your brother more important than you not being harmed by your brother?

Learn to do that special response for idiots: “ok” every time they come out with this nonsense, but it comes out with a little derisive snort, making it really obvious that you think they’re talking absolute bollocks. People like this make fools of themselves.

Echoing pp, you aren’t responsible for your dad’s feelings.

You seem to be very entrenched in a peacekeeper role here, OP. You're not responsible for your dad's emotions.

I don’t want to be the catalyst for that sort of fall out again

and this is how abusive families work. Calling out the abuse become THE WORST THING that could happen so the horrible person gets to carry on being horrible.

your brother doesn't become a bit kinder every time you allow him to be nasty. It’s not like if you tolerate him a bit longer hes going to morph into LOVING BROTHER.

Low contact or no contact.
Low contact is easier to manage, but you need to be strategic about it. I am low contact with a family member who is similar to your brother, and I make sure that I attend the bare minimum family events that I know he’ll be at. I say a polite ‘hello’ and then position myself physically away from him and don’t interact the whole time. If you get stuck in the line for food or waiting for the toilet or something, a distant smile and general breeziness works, or just find yourself busy with something else that means you need to remove yourself from his proximity. It’s only once or twice a year at this point, now that most of the family weddings are done and we are all in our 30s/40s.

No contact is much harder in my experience, and can cause family rifts, especially if it’s a ‘I won’t attend if X person will be there’ type situation. SIL is NC with her step-father, which I completely respect, but the fallout is difficult sometimes. E.g. MIL will not attend my DD’s 4th birthday party in a few weeks because SIL will be there and SIL + nephews/nieces won’t attend if step-father is there. I’m really disappointed about it.
Sometimes it’s necessary though. We (my parents and me & my sis) been NC with my uncle for over 10 years due to safety concerns, which is more important than avoiding causing a family rift.

Only you can decide what is better for you.

Avoid him as much as possible and write to him telling him exactly why this is what will be happening in the future, as you’ve explained it here.

Omg - well he sounds delightful…
Agree with pp, minimise 1:1 interactions. Try and remain cordial in family dinner etc, but do not stand for or engage with his bullying ‘oh I didn’t catch that, can you repeat yourself?,’ ‘I’m going to grab a drink, presumably you’ll have stopped talking by the time I come back.’ I’d bet he holds his tongue to an audience.
If that doesn’t work, then yes, just plan to be out when he is in your home/remain in your room with headphones on etc.

This is an excellent point and one that should be used by everyone when some daft sod says this 👏🏻

If your Dad is dying to say something, why don’t you let him?

Your brother says this shit because there are no consequences. Someone has to put up a boundary. Let your Dad do it.

The idea that parents should never call their adult children’s behaviour out is an odd one. Good friends tell you when you’ve been out of order. Why shouldn’t your parents? Your DB is being abusive - he needs to realise you’re not his emotional punching bag.

So he was about 7 or 8 when his dad left him and his mum?

Its obv not your fault but he hates you and probably hates your dad for leaving him at such a young age, and the fact you’ve had him all to yourself for the best part of 30 odd years will seem grossly unfair to him.

There’s no point arguing with someone like that or trying to discuss things rationally. Whatever you say will be wrong and offensive to him. How does he treat your mum out of interest?

Your brother is a fucking nasty bullying misogynist. Those types will find anything, no matter how ridiculous, to use as a stick to beat you with. I’d have nothing more to do with him. If one of mine spoke to their siblings like that even once, they’d not be welcome round my house until they sincerely apologised. And I’d have let your dad give him that smack.

He was very unkind to you. It hurts more when a family member says horrible things. Did you stand up for yourself? If not send him an email similar to your post on here also telling him never to speak to you like that again. He sounds an arrogant person.

I haven't seen my twatty brother for 10 years. My mum just had to get over it.

Was he drunk or high?

So he thinks you should work for free?

I’ve had similar comments from my family (I also work in the public sector). And it’s so disheartening. I worry about Reform winning the next election, because Nigel Farage seems to think we’re all lazy too.

In my line of work, they struggle to recruit to the posts. If it were that cushy, surely they would have people queuing up for the jobs. But they can’t attract anyone with the right qualifications, because they don’t pay enough money.

Just ask your parents to give you ample warning when he’s coming over as you don’t want to be there. You can do a quiet NC very easily.

Just tell to shut the fuck up and fuck off.

Has he always been a rude twat or has this started up recently?

Sounds just like my brother-even down to the exact same age difference! We're full siblings tho.

It's jealousy I think. I see a lot of resentment on here from older siblings against younger ones. It really saddens me.

My brother is convinced I was spoilt but in reality our parents were not well off at one point and I was having to wear hand me down boys' clothes. I was also pretty young when we lost our dad. He got all that extra time with him. They will never see things from our point of view or that being the youngest isn't all rainbows.

He also HATED the fact I lived at home. Things were a lot easier back in the 90s for him to get a place. I mean god I think he paid my parents £20-£25 a week rent back then before he moved out! Can you imagine? But do I bring it up and go "Oh you had it sooo good" no because what's the point? We both had advantages and disadvantages to our birth order.

I'm now NC-it's wonderful not having to deal with his attitude and bad moods. He's almost totally alone these days, I don't think he hardly sees anyone. Just as well really! It's absolutely shitty of a much older sibling, especially a male to treat a sister like this.

Would I be right in guessing that this delightful specimen of male humanity is single and has never been married. He sounds like a stupid, entitled, misogynistic twat. If you choose to go LC, then I highly recommend practicing the Grey Rock Technique so that he has nothing to work with.