My brother was horrid to me last night

You have two choices OP: Continue as you are and figure out some witty responses or you go low/no contact. Yes, going low/no contact will mean your parents will need to tell you when your brother is coming over. You then have a choice: stay at home out of the way or go out.

Your brother behaves in the way he does, because he's been allowed too. By no one standing up for themselves, he just continues saying what he likes to whoever.

Your brother clearly resents your mere existence and he's never going to treat you with any kindness. Therefore going low contact or no contact would actually be beneficial for you.

I don't normally swear on here but: "Fuck off George!"
is the only suitable response to him.

Practice saying it really quickly so you can use it to cut him off mid-response.
And avoid contact.

You might want to remind him that you are a tax payer too. Right before you tell him what he can do with his vile opinions, and then go no contact. He brings nothing to your life so why allow him into it when you don’t need to.

Your brother is horrible but I appreciate things look black and white to an outsider. When you're in the centre it's more complicated.

Let your dad talk to him. You're not responsible for how it goes. They are grown men. Let them figure it out.

Go low contact with your brother. I really feel for you. I am the second wife and the first children really hate my DC.

It sounds as though he needs to diminish you in order to make himself feel better / important / stand taller. In what ways would he feel he has not succeeded or has failed in life? Perhaps he has not progressed in his work? Or his marriage has broken down? Does he have no friends? (Which would be perfectly understandable!) You may find him a little easier to deal with if you can identify why he behaves like this and why it is you that he attacks. Of course it could simply be that he knows you won't attack back or that he treats everyone like this.

@youdeserveitI could have written this down to the NHS job! My brother is 15 years older than me and sounds very similar. Always making a dig, saying I don’t do any work. If I finish at 5pm, that’s not a full day etc. I have started calling him out on it every single time. He made a comment recently about how I earned more than him which is ridiculous and I was like of course I do, you’re a delivery driver, nothing wrong with it but stop making out like you’re better than me, all the time!

He sounds like a fucking idiot. Pardon my French.

If you insist on not changing anything you can just reply with non commital expressions “hmmm” “is that so?” “That interesting” or just shrug. You don’t have to engage with anything he actually says.

I known it’s difficult for your parents but no-one should put up with this kind of abusive language. He can think what he wants of you, you are not obliged to absorb his bile. It’s also not good for anyone to be trained to take abuse from anyone let alone their own brother.

It’s ok OP to say you don’t want to be on the receiving end of this and to not allow yourself to be a sitting target just to soothe your parents feelings. No-one should ask anyone to allow themselves to be degraded to make themselves feel better because thats what your parents would be doing if they asked you to continue a relationship with your brother.

He’s got serious daddy issues. He’s probably very aware your dad prefers you (unsurprisingly) and he will have seen you getting all the attention a baby needs when he was 14. As an already difficult character he couldn’t deal. Sounds like he imagined himself to be a marvellous father and it didn’t play out like that with his own kid. He probably hates himself. Not that that means what he said was ok. In future I would treat everything he says as a joke and go with it. If he says he’s paying for your holiday ask for more cash too for a few drinks. If he goes on about rent say well you won’t have to pay any when you inherit everything, light that firework and see what happens (no don’t, but seriously it’s probably what he’s thinking about as well).

Low contact / grey rock, OP. Just learn a few stock phrases:

"Hmm, that's not really how it works" (on the tax thing)

"Bit old for siblings jealousy, aren't you?" (on the living with parents thing)

"Not half as pathetic as being intimidated by an independent woman...at your age" (on the travelling alone thing)

And then refuse to get drawn in any more.

"Banned" by who? Whoever it is, you don't have to obey. Don't you see the contradiction in criticizing how everyone else ignores his behaviour, when you're doing exactly the same thing? OP should "let her dad say something", but you won't "let" yourself? Everyone else in your family lacks "gumption", but your case is different? Sounds like twatty relative has everyone very well trained, you included.

“My dad’s done it before because he didn’t like how my brother was talking to his son (as in my brother’s son), and my brother exploded in his face, stormed out and didn’t speak to my dad for three months. It broke my dad’s heart because in his mind he was just standing up for his grandson. I don’t want to be the catalyst for that sort of fall out again”
You or your Dad need to report your brother’s abusive behaviour towards his son/your nephew/your dad’s grandson. The damage he is doing to his child is not acceptable

If you dont want your dad or parents to speak up then you speak up tell him he is a bully to all of you and his son its sounds awful.
Someone has to do something or what he gets away with acting like an absolute bullying prick I wouldn't stand for it.

Go no contact he is abusive sounds jealous.
Your life is none of his business tell him that and good for you being single travelling doing your thing this is to be applauded not scowled at he sounds like a total prick.
My sons are at home until they want to be and can afford a place to live .. he is jealous let him be x

People who are allowed to get away with stuff carry on getting away with stuff.
Yes, your brother didn’t speak to your dad for 3 months but he’d have felt a lot worse if he hadn’t stuck up for his grandson.
You brother sounds like a bully and I feel sorry for his son. You need to grey rock him if you can and your dad needs to parent his son.

In order of raising conflict.

1. Move out (appreciate this may seem impossible but a goal to work towards)

1. Be 'out' and unavailable when he comes round

1. When his is round, avoid lingering in the common spaces. Get food from the kitchen, make tea but don't sit with the family.

1. Do sit with them but don't engage, grey rock.

5 Do engage but come up with some polite but dismissive replies.

'oh you!'

'You ARE funny!'

'Oh but I LOVE travelling alone/being child free'

1. Come up with more scathing replies.

'The 1950s called brother'

' that's so stupid I don't even want to explain it to you'

1. Have a blazing row and hopefully he'll go no contact again.

My dad’s not been in the best health lately so it’s in everyone’s best interests that he’s kept calm and not being upset by my brother

you're all equally important. Your dad seems to garner a lot of protection from you. Has it always been this way where dad is less able to be an adult and doesn’t have to deal with stuff?

This with a few pithy comments ‘god you think a lot of yourself. Reality check dipshit, on 30k a year you’re not funding anyone else through their taxes to so much as have a cup of tea. You’ve barely contributed in as much as the amount you mooched off dad yourself living rent free.’

Let your dad say something if he wants to. So long as your brother’s behaviour goes unchallenged it won’t improve and might get worse. My mum’s family is like this: one sibling is an obnoxious self-centred twit. No one pulls them up on it because “it’s not worth it”. So Mum and the other sibling have spent 80+ years putting up with shit, and twit-features endures in the delusion that they’re witty, clever and right. It’s pitiful really, that someone in their mid 80’s is a laughing stock and doesn’t know it, because no one ever got up the gumption to provide a few home truths (I’m banned from doing so).

I can cope with it

i gently suggest your thread is evidence uoure not coping with the abuse. And you shouldnt cope. No one should learn to cope with abuse.

Sorry, I’m confused about your expectations of this thread OP?

• you don’t want to upset your parents
• you don’t see yourself cutting off contact
• you don’t want anyone to confront anyone

It’s seems you want things to carry on as normal?

So why post on AIBU for advice?

He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

Is he Rip Van Winkle? Women travelling solo has been a HUGE trend for at least thirty years now. And plenty of solo woman travellers "have a man" in their lives, just are not surgically attached to him. (Bro almost certainly has no idea what this would be like from firsthand experience.) But if they didn't - so what? Your brother sounds like a bigoted misogynist - and, although perhaps not directly relevant, a homophobe.

Perhaps don't directly confront him if that's going to cause you hardship - upsetting your parents, compromising your immediate living situation - but YANBU to avoid him if he's constantly undermining you and being a prick and does not add enough to your life or well-being to compensate for that.