My brother was horrid to me last night

Oh dear. I am all but no contact with my sister. For a long time I deliberated over it and didn’t know what to do. Ultimately for my mental health and because life is short I decided I didn’t want someone in my life who judged me, looked down on me and generally didn’t make me feel good. Parents presume because they brought you up in the same house that you will be best friends and never leave each others lives but that’s just not reality - you need to do what’s best for you and not being around someone like your brother is probably best, he clearly dislikes you.

All this is irrelevant to the issue at hand.

If the OP was working down a mine her brother would make nasty comments.

Have an extremely similar situation with older brother.

I regret not going no contact with mine years ago.

I did a couple of times then felt I had to be in contact during my mother’s illness and death then my father’s illness and death.

I can’t tell you how much I regret being sucked back in.

I can’t tell you how much I regret trying to be a peacemaker to placate parents who did not support me.

They made excuses for his atrocious behaviour and trained me to do the same.

Never excuse bad behaviour- unless you want more of it coming at you.

Be careful on the forums as lots of people will excuse him and find fault with you - they will be similar in character to your brother and my own.

All of the comments your brother made are designed to trigger you into reacting. He will enjoy whatever reaction you show.

Go absolutely no contact with him. If you don’t he will constantly show up with lists of comments and questions all designed to drag you down.

Be careful he can suck out your energy and mess with your head as long as he lives.

He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant kind of person who has unresolved jealousy/other issues and is taking them out of a much younger female sibling. I’d be inclined to tell your parents what he said and inform them that you want nothing more to do with him. I don’t understand why he considers travelling alone pathetic, to me it’s very brave and shows a lot of confidence. Don’t put up with people like him OP, related or not, block him, don’t talk to him at family gatherings and cut him out of your life. Unless of course he apologies profusely and admits to being a total abusive prick (unlikely).

He doesn’t like sharing daddy does he? You need to learn to grey rock him and leave the room if he’s getting lairy.

Hmm…I was trying to empathise with one particular human. Presumably her role is still stressful. I come from a position of considerable nhs experience (over a decade) and strong working relationships with clinical and non-clinical colleagues. I’m well aware of what it looks like. And yes, obviously there are more stressful jobs in the world, like being a CEO of a huge company where everyone is reliable on you to pay their salaries etc. bomb disposal etc.

My brother and sister are horrible people too. I’m no contact with them now. It’s been 15 years. Obviously it’s easier to avoid them when you eventually move out of your parents home. If he visits, just grab what you need and go upstairs until he leaves. I wouldn’t bother speaking to him if he’s going to be rude to you.

In your own mind OP you can go NC with this little tosser, you don’t need to tell the family:
-no response if he messages you
-delete his comments in group chats
-absent yourself from gatherings outside the home if he will be present
-at gatherings within the home, keep as physically far away from him as you can and do not respond to any comment addressed to you (grey rock)

I’m sorry your DB is a twat but good for you for protecting yourself and your DF.

i have two brothers who both used to be mean to me. At some point a switch flicked and I just emotionally detached from them, no drama. 40 years later, they are still in my life and one at least has become like our father ie nice. He would even like to support me emotionally I think but that ship has sailed.

As a side issue Op have your parents made wills? When your brother is so bitter it's especially important for all the legalities to be tied up tight.
He's made no effort to resolve his childhood issues and now he's screwing up all his relationships, but if after a few drinks he's angry enough to rant for hours I can't feel any sympathy for him

If he lives with friends, it's not as if he has a partner and kids to enjoy life with himself

What a sad hypocrite with outdated views of how tax etc work and that you pay it too..

You must pity him really

Presumably she works with limited resources and limited time

I think everyone in the public sector (and plenty of people in the private sector for that matter) would say that applies to them. It's hardly unique to the NHS.

And besides, people in non-clinical positions won't suffer at the coal face as a result of those challenges in quite the same way that doctors and nurses will. It's ridiculous to suggest that purely administrative roles are remotely comparable in that respect. The idea that everyone in the NHS is some underpaid, struggling martyr or selfless hero is laughable.

I’d have asked him to explain why he thinks he’s a net contributor.

Obnoxious and not very bright is such a depressing combination. You absolutely do not need to spend time I his company.

‘Freeloading piece of shit’ would have been the point at which l would have left, having poured whatever drink l had in my hand at the time over his fat, offensive head !!

The fact that he’s OP’s half brother is very telling. His attitude has very likely been instilled by his mum.

He's a nasty little cunt

I don't think I'd ever talk to a sibling again if they spoke to me that way!

Presumably she works with limited resources and limited time…..it was a catch all NHS dry comment. But yes, should have said more non-clinical stuff! I worked in the nhs for 14 years and it was super stressful for ALL staff. Even doing without the perks they have in commercial sectors. It’s utterly mental to think that he is paying for her annual leave!!

Ask him why he thinks you don't pay tax.

In your situation I would go ‘low contact’ in as much as I would not seek my brothers company and avoid where possible but I would not make a point about it and would attend family events where it is unavoidable and try to keep out of his way.
However, if he started again I would not grey rock and would give as good as I got. I am not responsible for his behaviour and if that meant dad gets upset so be it. It is not my responsibility to take abuse in order to ensure everyone else is comfortable. Hopefully it would mean after that he would avoid me too.

He was making a point about non-clinical staff, who don't do any of that. But it's a stupid point anyway, because everyone in paid employment is entitled to take annual leave. He was just enjoying needling the OP for some bizarre reason. He knew his argument held no weight whatsoever but he didn't care.

It's between employer and employees how many holidays you have.
It's between parents who pays what in their own home.
He was just trying to wind you up about solo travel.

But what IS concerning is that you took his verbal and mental beating for three hours. Were you locked in a room with him and couldn't leave? You need to work out why you felt you couldn't walk away and do something else/speak to others. It is perfectly acceptable to walk into another room if a person or conversation turns bad so why didn't you?

I think you must have gleaned by now that no, you are not being unreasonable to not like his abuse and to never want to see him again

I hope you have also begun to understand that you are far too passive and actually enable your nasty brother’s abuse. You allow him to get it all off his chest with the idea that it’s your duty to do so.

It’s an adult skill to stand up for yourself OP.
But you prefer to make excuses not to be the adult in this situation you describe.
You insist you are not the peacemaker, just thinking about your father’s bout of poor health recently. Really ?
You have excuses for not standing up to him as an adult would and should.
You can go travelling alone but can’t seem to find your words against his nonsensical, outdated accusations.

Poor health or not, I think your father would be delighted to learn you had
advocated for your own boundaries and values in a firm but confident way against your brother’s verbal attacks on you. The rest of the family too no doubt.
You are no longer a small child. just because you still live at home in your parent’s house doesn’t mean you can’t assert your adult self.

If you can’t bear to do it, then walk away and avoid all the toxic situations he creates. Don’t give him the gift of your presence. You are worth so much better than that.

In the meantime, ask yourself why you have a fear of conflict and anxiety about asserting your own boundaries.
Tell yourself not to be compliant to anybody if you don’t like what they say or do, especially an older male.

Stating clearly why you disagree with him does not make you a naughty girl or a rude, disagreeable person, causing conflict.

This is what I would do. Also minimise times where you are alone together. Ie. limit triggering situations. There’s just no need to expose yourself to this. And if he does say unreasonable things, then at least someone else will be there too.

So why was he visiting, if it was just you and his stepmother present, who presumably he dislikes as well? Does he often come over when his dad isn't even there?

Given the big age gap, it's not unusual for people to resent their parents remarrying and providing them with a much younger half sibling they didn't want. It can play havoc with inheritance issues and expectations, for a start. But he does seem particularly bitter and nasty about it.

No they shouldn’t! Saving lives, dealing with risk, working up against limited resources and time, tricky patients….too easy to justify any time off.