My brother was horrid to me last night

Hi OP, 2 words NO CONTACT

Yes, similarly I find if you are polite but neutral it really upsets people trying to be maliciously rude.although fuck off might feel good as an answer, a more formal response give less for people to react to - which is great because it makes it look like you are not upset, and upsetting you is usually the aim.

Get a stock of neutral answers ready. "Really?", "interesting", "noted", that sort of thing.

'Noted' is my go to. Also translates as get knotted

Yes quite concerning to hear the minimizing of the overall situation and the viewpoint that only hitting is abuse from anyone in this day and age is concerning and disappointing. The hitting tends to come after a pattern of other abuses, misogyny and disrespect, and testing what they can get away with. And even if there is never hitting, all of the above are still abuse.

Bewildering to see the U-turn tbh - for your own sake please don't minimise verbal abuse and also don't go down the road of believing that because it's family it doesn't count as abuse. It is what it is regardless of your connection to who behaves in this way.

Take care of yourself and be safe OP

Abuse does not have to involve hitting. He is abusive to you and if your father had words about the grandson, he’s obviously abusive to his own son as well. Abuse takes many forms, physical is only one of them.

and interest rates aren’t insanely high 🤣 though I accept you can’t afford to get a mortgage. When we had a mortgage we started with 10% and within 3 months it was up to 18% ..now that’s insanely high

Hi OP. Just because someone says these things, in his opinion, doesn’t make them true. You totally need to just disengage from him. You are not responsible for your parents feelings, or your brothers, you can only manage your own. Try to realise whatever his opinion is, it’s completely irrelevant. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like this, and you mentioned you hate confrontation, but that doesn’t mean you have to take it on or tolerate it. Likely there is nothing you could say anyway to have any kind of sensible discussion with your brother, just don’t bother going there. Respond with silence. Starve that shit. Don’t dignify with a response. Don’t take it personally as it’s probably nothing to do with you and everything to do with your brothers lack of emotional maturity intelligence and bandwidth, drunk or sober. Save your energy for what you can influence, which is your own response. Best of luck.

@youdeserveit

This.

Fine if you don’t want to fight with him, just have as little to do with him as possible.

The most helpful thing your parents can do is make sure their affairs are all in order. Dealing with him when they’ve gone will be an absolute nightmare!!

Stand up for yourself! Next time just stand up and say shut the fuck up you immature whiny little prick

I’m guessing your dad doesn’t deal with his son’s abusive behaviour is because he feels guilty being the reason. OP doesn’t know the circumstances when the relationship with your brother’s mother was breaking down and it seems to have been very upsetting for a young boy at that age.
Unfortunately it’s not unusual for men as they age go back to childhood trauma and take it out of their parents and step siblings.
Your stepbrother’s behaviour is not your responsibility it is your father’s and he has to deal with it so why are you tiptoeing round it?
Tell your parents that you are going NC with him and let them deal with it.
Your parents are playing on your qualities as a natural carer. This has to stop.

my much older sister is a bully. Always has been. She picked on our siblings who an younger than her. But they were close in age. When I was about 13 I became her favourite target. I am much older now but she still picks at me whenever she gets a chance. 3 things helped. 1. Be clear with your parents what is going on and how it affects you (which it sounds like you've already done). 2. Minimise contact. 3. When you have contact either shrug off what he's saying without getting upset (hard but massively helpful because upsetting you is the goal). Get a stock of neutral answers ready. "Really?", "interesting", "noted", that sort of thing. If it helps you could also comment on what he's doing - "there you go again", "I wondered what you would criticise today", etc etc. The less bothered you are, the less satisfying it is for them.

And remember, it's not really about you or even what they really think of you. It's about their own inadequacy. Happy, secure people don't act this way.

It is verbal abuse! This is also a type of abuse especially if it happens repeatedly. And it’s not OK. At a minimum I’d leave the room - and minimise contact. Why put up with this? (And actually your dad should able to tell him he’s out of line too. Calmly not angrily)

Hi op just ignore him but be polite when he’s around for your dads sake that doesn’t mean you have to like him. He sounds jealous to me. It’s none of his business anything you do so you don’t have to explain yourself to him or anyone else. We are all entitled to holidays from our jobs who does he thinks pays for his holidays, nhs, schools etc. his tax doesn’t cover everything.

I hope you told him in person all the things you have told us on here. He sounds nasty and I would have told him so. You should make all those points to him, defend yourself.

Op ive recently gone no contact with my "brother" he recently told.me my dd11 at the time was fucked up and weird as she didnt take his wife telling her to piss of as a joke,I simply asked for a apology,where he then proceeded to tell me I owe his wife one.
He went on to say im the bottom of the barrel (im a sahm & partner works for FA )unfortunately he couldn't choose family as id be last on the list.
I will never speak to that man again in my life! Sometimes blood doesn't always mean family.

What a piece of work this man is.
What is his problem? Why is he so unhappy!

You just seem to me to be living a normal everyday life.. So get on with and enjoy yourself.

Ignore this prat and give him a wide berth.

If he insults you again and you feel bullied or threatened. Get some advice from the Police or a Solicitor.

Dont let him upset you again
👍😻
X

Oh good lord, what an ugly horrible person. If you wouldn't tolerate a stranger or neighbour or co-worker saying any of these terrible things to you, there's no reason to tolerate it coming from a relative. He really needs to grow up, it's shocking how much. If I were you, I'd cut contact and I was also be ready with some very good come-backs, I mean scathing ones. Practice in the mirror. This person is very much a bully who likes to attack, and the only way to deal with a bully is to confront.

You're not under any obligation to see another adult who goes out of his way to be offensive, brother or not. If I were you, I'd avoid any contact unless he makes all the running!

My parents were happy for any of us to come back home if we needed to, I think I was the only one out of four of us who didn't have at least one spell back at home. It's sad for a grown man to feel jealous of a sibling, it might go back years but it's about time he snapped out of it!

My own experience with people like this is that trying to shut them down doesn’t work. Theyre not going to suddenly see the light!

What works is NC. Making yourself scarce. Refusing to engage.
Shutting them diwn can actually make it all worse because they feel flummoxed about it.

What a prick! You don’t need someone in your life like that.

Ive also taken to just walk out of the room when a family member starts ranting like this and eg busy myself in the kitchen.

That way I’m not exposing myself to the hurtful comment and I’m making clear what I think of the rant. But wo the massive fuss calling them out would do.

The fact that you think that means you don't understand it 🤦🏼‍♀️ Have you actually had safeguarding training?

Of course it can be, there is also emotional and financial abuse, which do terrible harm.

Some posters on MN dispute anything other than being battered by a partner.🙄

They belittle the experience of anyone not being beaten.🙄

I like to think of it like cats. I live on an estate and have about 10 cats from 8 different owners living nearby. Most of them tolerate eachother. Some of them aren’t friendly. The other cats have been scratched and bitten by the bitey cats so they naturally keep away. People are much the same. Your brother is like a cat who has to scratch and bite. If you care for yourself you will avoid unnecessary harm by creating a barrier between you and the person who just can’t help but hurt you. If you want me to tell you how to stop the bites hurting there is no way. You’re not flame proof like he possibly is. He seems quite comfortable being nasty with a female he should love and want to protect and want to see happy.

you’re avoiding any lines being drawn to avoid the angst you will get from your parents and i suspect thats another whole kettle of fish.

What would the fallout be? Like you mean your brother would quickly get violent? Or just it would be awkward to stay out of his way when he visited? Because that is NOTHING compared to your nervous system being assaulted by a bully.

Abuse can be verbal.

Time to assert yourself and draw that line. You want nothing more to do with him. If that upsets your parents, so be it. They are reaping the results of not dealing with him earlier. Why should you take his bullying?

@youdeserveit - I can see why @knottywig said what she did about your user name - and I don’t think she meant it unkindly.

I really hope that you can tell yourself that you do NOT deserve the abuse and bullying from your brother, but that you do deserve respect from everyone.