Is this the norm with adult children on holiday?

I agree. Some nasty comments about her.
She is 22 year old still in full time education, I dont think its wrong that her mum pays for her. Maybe she doesn't want to doesn't want to be a carer for her siblings on her holiday. Taking the boyfriend has changed the dynamic from a family holiday.

I've taken two of mine, in their 20s, on holiday recently. We planned in advance what we wanted to do (the point of the holiday was to do specific things) and worked to that plan. No significant others along though. If one of them went off and did their own thing all the time, I'd wonder what the point is, or shorten the holiday so it just covered what we were agreed on to do.

The way people talk about children here 😱 “used you”, “won’t be fooled twice”. Do you even love your children? 😱 I bet you are kinder to your neighbours

Resentful? Thank the lovely boyfriend and tell her clearly that you’ll not fund a holiday for her again. Tell her you’re hurt by her actions and glad her siblings don’t understand her hurtful behaviour.

Then as I finished typing the above I suddenly thought maybe there’s more to this. I grew up with a severely disabled younger sibling and a baby sibling ( 8 years younger) I felt unseen, perhaps she hoped for more of your time. I know that sounds unrealistic when she knows your caring commitments, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Something to consider!🍀

@Summercocktailsgalore Yes, I don't think the 22-year-old factored in what supporting her siblings would entail, especially if one of them is being constantly negative.

No, she hasn't handled it well and I don't think she's mature enough for this- so don't plan on doing this again next year.

Why would she come on the holiday to support? The other 2 are 16 and 18 with mild additional needs. It’s not up to their sibling to support - maybe she wanted a nice family holiday with them all but her sibling is being so negative it has ruined it. Or maybe she’s spent her whole life being expected to support or missing out on attention due to the needs of the other 2, monopolising their mum. The 18 year old is getting theirs paid for so it’s not that much of a stretch that a parent would pay for their other adult child (although very generous to pay for their boyfriend). I know she should be grateful for the holiday but I feel a bit sorry for her for the pile on (even though I doubt she’s reading it).

Hope you can enjoy your holiday. Now you know that she is not able to support so they money you paid for her and much of boyfriend can be used either to just gift them a fully paid holiday on their own in future, or to support you and your 2 SEN children,

22 is still immature and moody. really most 20 somethings are dreadful to be around.
OP it will get better a little later in life closer to 30.

Special needs

She's 22, of course she's still young and moody. Not everyone is sunshine and lollipops at that age, maybe the holiday is not as she imagined it, maybe she'll feel guilty about behaving 'badly' later, Some people here so ready to tag her as a 'user' or some such. So judgemental.

Don't over think it.

She obviously just used you for the free holiday

Classic bait and switch. At least now you know what she’s capable of and won’t be fooled twice.

Agree - people who are abusive behind closed doors are often absolutely charming IRL.

It could be that when they’re off together, he’s in her ear about you (abusive people love to turn their partners against family). Then she feels anxious when you’re all together.

Your daughter took advantage of your good nature.

@Siciliansream So one of her siblings is being negative and hard work?
Is this a surprise to your DD, i.e., is the sibling normally like this, or are they being particularly awkward on this holiday?

My daughters always were made to contribute once they turned 18 and started working even part time. I did also when i was younger.
I wouldnt charge them the full cost say 20% discount on what we paid.

if they wanted an expensive cocktail for example or spends for souvenirs etc that would be on their budget.
Husband and i would always pay for meals out, drinks breakfast etc but if we ate out, they would pay a small contribution.

Your daughter wanted to come. She could have saved some money. She could have gone away on her own with her BF but I suspect she wanted a freebie. I can understand why you are upset.

i would make it clear it will be the last time you pay for everything now she is working

From what posters have said sounds like you ought to sit her down as find out why she isn’t herself and so defensive. Just tell you you’re concerned and surprised in the change in her behaviour and thought she was looking forward to this holiday together. Do not get drawn into an argument. Stay quiet and let her do the talking then think over what she said then come back to her. It’s easy in these situations for them to escalate and could ruin your holiday.

I never went on holiday with my parents after the age of 16. We had very different ideas of how we wanted to spend our time.

Hi , what is sn

Actually she suggested the arrangement as she was on holiday from work so was being paid and we did give her some extra money too - I just didn’t mention it .

Yes, I agree it’s it not that shocking these days that OP should have to pay for her 22 year old, given she is still in education and given the awful job market. That’s why I wrote “fair enough”

But it is shocking to me that the 22year old asked to go along to accompany her siblings and then used them as an excuse for being miserable.
Instead of trying to make the best of it for everybody including her BF who was also part paid for, she was moody and difficult, and resentful.

She was lucky to get the holiday she asked for for herself and her BF but didn’t appreciate her good fortune. Took it for granted at the expense of everybody’s enjoyment. Not acceptable in my book. She should have quietly removed herself from their company, leaving them to have a nice time instead of letting her sour mood, for whatever reason, affect everybody.

It's not unusual for adult children to stop coming on family holidays at this point IMO, they've just outgrown it. They may start again when they're older and it's more about family spending time together on an equal footing.

I think it was probably a mistake to allow the BF to come if you wanted it to be family time, and i'm really not sure why you would pay for him too tbh.

Jesus - I can't believe you didn't pay the poor nursery nurse - that's awful.

To be fair the 18 year old is also an adult. I’m not sure of the level of additional needs but 18 is an adult and OP is happy to pay for them so it’s not that shocking to pay for her other adult child. I don’t think the 22 year old should be spending no time with her family but maybe she’s tearful and emotional because she was hoping for some time with her mum or an enjoyable last family holiday with her siblings. It’s hard to want time with your parent if they’re needed all the time by your siblings. Perhaps she hoped that it would be different now the teens are adult/almost adult but it’s not and it’s upset her.