AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

Firsty, congratulations on your baby and so pleased to hear you’re having a good breastfeeding journey - it’s a lot of work, even when it’s ‘easy’!
Havent read all the replies so sorry if I’m repeating other advice - I wasted sooo much time trying to get my baby to take a bottle. You’re right in that it’s a lot more work, and the sterilising and prep were more hassle than they were worth. My baby maybe took the bottle twice, and very begrudgingly! I really don’t think it’d even have gotten me that much sleep, as I’d probably have been engorged and had to pump anyway.
Also, if you do go down the pumping route, your BF should really be doing the prep and sterilising. This isn’t the time for 50/50, sometimes (often!) you will be doing more, and sometimes he will. It’ll even out eventually but this isn’t that time.

There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies.

This has disaster written all over it. The concept of a load of inexperienced fathers having a dads' night out with babies under 3 months is very sweet, but have they checked whether the pub has changing facilities? I suspect they have this picture of themselves sitting around holding sleeping babies or maybe shoring a bottle in their mouths, whereas the reality will be that at any given moment at least two will be crying because they don't like the unfamiliar surroundings and being away from mummy. If they try it once, it will be the last time they do it.

Your baby may not take to a bottle at all, OP!!! I EBF my son, and only planned on doing so for 3 months. I introduced a bottle at around 8 weeks with my son, with pumped breast milk and he refused it. I tried every bottle on the market and it made no difference if the bottle contained breast milk or formula! He refused everything! All he wanted was the breast!! So, neither of you may not have any say, your child will have the final one!!

It's one of those things that no one tells you. Everyone assumes a baby will take to a bottle, after being breast fed and that simply isn't true. Many babies won't!

I introduced a bottle because I wanted my husband to help with night feeds. If you introduce a bottle, then you make it clear to your boyfriend, it means he will be helping with night feeds. It won't be so he can go off with baby on his own to show him off to his mates. I can guarantee, helping with night feeds wouldn't have entered his head!! There won't be any excuses then, why he can't!

I never thought about it this way, but excellent point! 👏

If breast feeding works god no don’t change anything!! Saying that ye need to talk about how much he does (although my first thought is I always did feeds and nappy changes together so perhaps that was his out?

The ltb comments are ott though, ye are a family, he just needs to step up (god I’m fed up of people asking why are people with their partners when this is very obviously a new thing that you’re both navigating)

Hogwash.

@gratedcheeseandham a warning, your bf sounds similar to my ex. I had a similar breastfeeding experience to yours.
He wanted to feed our baby so that he could “feel involved”. At some cost to myself I organised a steriliser and some bottles, and a pump, and I asked if he would be on hand to help me learn to pump. He never made time. Eventually his mum did so.
I expressed a lot of milk over time (giving myself mastitis in the process- expressing was very difficult for me even if I was overfull, so I used to feed twice from one side so as to build the other side up to be able to pump). I prepared bottles
for him for when he got home from work.

He gave her perhaps 3 bottles. Ever.
He washed up and sterilised no bottles.
A year later (full of rage) I threw away a load of frozen breast milk.

It had nothing to do with him bonding with our baby. It had everything to do with him resenting me.

I would insist as a minimum that your bf does the legwork on this, as he wants it so badly. He researches, he buys, he sterilises and stores and dates it. If he wants it, he’ll do all this.

Baby comes first. The notion that you should give up something that is working so well so he can have a dads' night out with the lads is risible.

Many red flags. He prefers his own cooking?

I would not introduce a bottle for anyone’s convenience but my own. There’s nothing convenient about it if BF is successful. Imagine baby would refuse a bottle anyway.

He needs a frank chat about all things parenting, finances and household chores equality.

I absolutely agree with you on everything you've said. It's lovely being able to breastfeed and it won't go on forever.
I think it should stay as it is and like you said, visit the pub with a friend in case your baby needs feeding, when your boyfriend is at the Dad's meetup.

Zero evidence for this btw…

funny how we as adults like to sleep next to our partners but think there’s an issue with our children wanting to sleep near us too….

That's outdated.
Some babies have stronger separation anxiety than others, but it is still normal. You can't make your baby excessively clingy by being near them too much and you can't be near them too much. Your presence reassures them and keeps them calm and happy.

Honestly I think ebf is just a different journey. Not better or worse just different. However you feed your baby there are perceived pros and cons that another mother might feel totally different about.

And so much depends on what type of baby you have, how involved your partner is, your own approach to parenting - some mums aren't bothered about going out or go places they can’t take the baby with them etc.

It’s one thing if you want your baby to take a bottle and they won’t but if you don’t want them to take a bottle and know that means that the feeding is on you then that’s fair enough.

Your baby is still so little, in literally a few weeks they will have a more reliable feeding schedule and be trying real food

Eh?

If you are successful with breastfeeding there is absolutely no need to give a bottle. It is a faff and not in the best interests of the baby. Nor is it helpful for you when you are establishing breastfeeding.

Six months is just the earliest you can move a baby into it's own room- it isn't a goal! You can keep them in with you for a long as you want. You shouldn't be asking permission to go slightly over six months. This dynamic is weird and sounds toxic.

Bf is a total dickhead.

Your post is ringing loads of alarm bells for me.

In your post you've described a boyfriend who:

• Is focusing on his wants more than his 8 week old baby's needs
• expects you to do the legwork to support his decisions
• won't compromise (you going and staying nearby is completely fine)
• thinks that because he earns more he gets the final say in decisions about your baby

I'd be concerned about any of these traits in a relationship. Particularly the last one, wheres that going to end? He chooses the school, he vetos vaccinations etc because he happens to have a higher paid job?

He can just go without your baby to the meet up, it's really useful at that age to have someone with a spare pair of hands when other adults want to eat, go to the loo etc. I expect you're right that he just wants to show off what a great parent he is being.

Your baby is still so little, in literally a few weeks they will have a more reliable feeding schedule and be trying real food, he will have all the time in the world to take the baby to meet ups

I don’t really understand why you say that only the primary caregiver can bond with a baby, then say this is protective from an evolutionary perspective due to maternal deaths. If anything, a baby being able to form attachments with other caregivers as well would be protective if it’s mother died?

I think this is probably a misunderstanding of attachment research. Babies can absolutely start forming relationships with people other than their mother from birth – they can recognise familiar voices, faces, smells and ways of being held, and become attached to any regular caregivers.

I think it’s pretty irresponsible to tell people that babies don’t bond until 12 weeks. At best it’s an oversimplification, and at worst it’s just completely untrue.

I agree with the OP but I also think the judgement on the partner is harsh and lacks empathy. Firstly, his French culture provides a context to his request and when there are cultural differences it’s important to avoid immediately attributing those differences solely to nefarious or malicious motivations. Secondly, he’s clearly excited about being a new father and there’s nothing wrong with celebrating his new fatherhood with other new dads. Does this mean that the OP should go along with his request? I’d say probably not. But the trashing of this dad is just unwarranted. The judgement really doesn’t need to be so binary.

I couldn’t pump, nothing came out even after hours of trying. I just felt like a cow being milked without success. Awful.

1. Other household admin is my responsibility and always has been, including insurance, anything to do with car, holiday planning, gifts/birthdays for both sides of the family, anything to do with home improvement/DIY (bf takes care of garden), grocery shopping is joint as it’s our ‘Saturday activity’ with a coffee. I may ask to delegate some of these now to BF, as the only household task he does is cook. He says he brings in the money (especially now I’m on maternity), so he ‘shouldn’t have to’ worry about anything else. BF grew up with a stay at home mum and working dad.

Did he used to pay someone else to do these things before you came along? If not, why the fuck are you accepting this. Have vagina = housekeeper and personal secretary? Should have been a massive ick.

I cannot see any benefit to your baby of being introduced to bottle and formula feeding earlier than you would like so that your boyfriend can take the baby to sit in the pub

I bottle fed both of mine as bf did not work out either time.

So my DH did bottle feed - but not so he could pretend to be dad of the year, but to support me.

I’d give your P a broadside, to be honest. There are few things more pathetic than a dad who won’t change a nappy. There is not one single male relative or friend of mine who behaved like that 20 plus years ago. More recently my niece’s DH changed their two, whatever the state of the nappy. So I’d tell him that before he mentions waltzing off with baby to a man’s group he can crack on with nappy changing.

"Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say."

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

First: He should be topping up your mat pay.
Second: You get to choose. Don't get forced into doing something. You are the mum.
But, make it easy on yourself and maybe, when you're ready, you can pack some ready made bottles for your partner to take baby out. But, his attitude about it, and the rest of your points, stinks right now.

And what's the deal with taking baby to the pub? I don't get that at all. 👎

The only other thing I'll say is please don't worry about baby developing a preference for a bottle over you. If your bond is strong, lots of holding skin to skin especially, and breastfeeding is going well the preference for bf'ing will remain. 💜
I made up bottles of formula to be given to my 2nd dc when I wasn't around, ie errands etc and baby adapted, but always preferred bf'ing.

From experience, it’s not that easy to get an EBF baby to accept a bottle anyway. When one of mine was 5 months I wasn’t apparently producing enough, and the non-stop feeding to try to satisfy her was exhausting. I don’t mind admitting that it was a huge relief when she - finally - accepted the bottle, and I knew after a few minutes that she’d had a full bottle, and was contented.