Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

456 replies

gratedcheeseandham · 09/08/2026 05:13

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

  1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
  2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
  3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
  4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
  5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 11/08/2026 06:40

nah… I breastfed both of mine and even though I tried they never took a dummy or bottle… what a fucking ridiculous reason too so he can take your newborn to a dads meet up!!! Fair enough if it was to give you a break but to me it looks as though he wants to just play at being the doting dad! Also he gonna be on the piss at this dads meet up down the pub? Be interested to know what all the other mams were thinking about this… honestly fucking deluded idiot!

also, what job is doing fully remote on approx £120,000 a year?! (Asking for me, also a teacher 😂)

ps congratulations on your baby and with baby moving out at 6 months… nope.. do it when you are ready! My eldest I think was about 9 months… youngest was in a cot next to us until he was 3 then went straight in the bottom bunk bed 😂

Thatcannotberight · 11/08/2026 06:03

Far too many women on this thread telling OP to just suck it up and why won't she think about the menz?
JFC! She's doing the most natural thing in the world and doing it well. Leave her alone.
And as for the idiot who thinks most three year olds are going to bed with a bottle? Not in my world, there's absolutely no need for that!

hcee19 · 11/08/2026 01:23

Could you just not pump to fill a bottle, for just one time. He is your child's parent too, and probably wants to show off his child, like the other dads. I don't understand why you are making such a big deal out of it. You made the baby together, the child isn't all yours. Tell him, you will do it as a one off, but if the baby is unsettled to let you know and you could pick up your dc right away.

Nettie1964 · 11/08/2026 00:23

I have BF 3 Dcs my eldest DS wouldnt take a bottle, my mother had to spoon feed him if i dared go out! My DD would reluctantly have a bottle if forced to. My youngest DC would do both. Your DP sounds pathetic really and very controlling. As for moving the baby out of the bedroom maybe get him to do the night feeds if hes so keen to get baby on a bottle in his own room, walking up stumbling in the dark warming a bottle and comforting a baby crying for food might sort your partner out he sounds like a complete tosser.

himapiyali · 11/08/2026 00:19

I had no choice but to Triple feed our first for the initial 5 months but managed to EBF our second. I found EBF straight from the breast SO MUCH EASIER! My husband supported me completely and just did all other caring duties/housework he could. Babies grow so quickly, your partner will soon be able to take baby away from you for 2-3 hours. Both of our daughters adore their daddy so it definitely didn’t hinder relationship building. He wore them both a lot while they napped. On the night sleep front, both ours wanted us to be near us at night so we haven’t moved them away yet (our youngest is now 13 months). We have a spare room if we wanted some time in the evening to ourselves. Humans are hard wired to be near others, so for us it didn’t feel right moving a little baby away to sleep alone.

Whynottryagain · 10/08/2026 23:42

WhiteJasmin · 10/08/2026 21:29

I think you are making it a bigger problem than it is. Just get a cheap wearable breast pump and pump a bottle whenever he wants to take the baby out or when you want to go out. You don't need the baby to be bottle-fed all the time. Appreciate the time off for yourself.

He isn't bringing the baby so he can show off with friends. He wants to be part of the dad journey too. If you want him to be an involved dad, allow him his bonding time with the baby and other dad. It's like if you need to go to a mother's group. All the mums turn up with a baby and you need to turn up with your partner as well.

Give him a bottle and go get your hair done someplace close by he can come to for emergency feed if it doesn't work out.

Your advice is simplistic. Plenty of women, including myself, can't successfully pump. Additionally may have a bottle refusing baby or breastmilk with the enzyme that makes it taste rancid super fast.

Whynottryagain · 10/08/2026 23:35

It might be out of of your hands...I know multiple people, including myself, whose EBF babies refused bottles. Also, I was very unsuccessful pumping - I'd get hardly any out, and it would go off extremely quickly.

Your bf sounds very naive. Bottle feeding isn't necessarily as easy as he thinks. Plus, lol at least his idea of getting the baby out exactly at 6mo. Babies are a law unto themselves re sleep, plus if you are EBF presumably you're doing all the night wakings... So so much easier to do this with minimal disruption if the baby is next to you.

It's sweet that he wants to show the baby off, but he'll just have to do it in a way that means he doesn't need to feed the baby during that time.

He'll probably be pushing you to stop breastfeeding exactly at 6mo too....

BruFord · 10/08/2026 23:14

@Laura95167 The OP updated that none of the babies are now coming to Dads' get-together due to feeding concerns.

It sounds as if the penny is starting to drop for all the new Dads that their children aren't toys to wheel out and show off to their mates. That's how it is, fellas. 😂

Laura95167 · 10/08/2026 22:50

Cant he just take the baby to the pub for an hour and pop back with him.. rejoin the men if he likes.

Wouldn't really want my kid surrounded by drinking adults for more than that anyway

Lottie6712 · 10/08/2026 22:46

I EBF both of mine and never bottle fed and their dad spent loads of time with them... I find it quite baffling any kind of argument about regretting it if you don't bottle feed / that the dad can't bond without bottle feeding. It really is a very, very short period of time that they're solely reliant on breast milk in the grand scheme of things. I'm really glad I didn't mess around with bottles personally. Each to their own but not for me.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/08/2026 22:37

RampantIvy · 10/08/2026 22:35

Talk to me when your child is pushing 3 and nearly every child her age is still going to bed with a bottle but you have to be there for every single nighttime.

@Grammarninja I doubt that most three year olds are still getting a bottle. They will be drinking from a cup.

Just get a cheap wearable breast pump and pump a bottle whenever he wants to take the baby out or when you want to go out.

Why should she? If she doesn't want to she shouldn't feel she has to.

Edited

Exactly.

I have a 3 year old and he hasn't had bottles in a long time.

RampantIvy · 10/08/2026 22:35

Talk to me when your child is pushing 3 and nearly every child her age is still going to bed with a bottle but you have to be there for every single nighttime.

@Grammarninja I doubt that most three year olds are still getting a bottle. They will be drinking from a cup.

Just get a cheap wearable breast pump and pump a bottle whenever he wants to take the baby out or when you want to go out.

Why should she? If she doesn't want to she shouldn't feel she has to.

Allswellthatendswelll · 10/08/2026 22:31

WhiteJasmin · 10/08/2026 21:29

I think you are making it a bigger problem than it is. Just get a cheap wearable breast pump and pump a bottle whenever he wants to take the baby out or when you want to go out. You don't need the baby to be bottle-fed all the time. Appreciate the time off for yourself.

He isn't bringing the baby so he can show off with friends. He wants to be part of the dad journey too. If you want him to be an involved dad, allow him his bonding time with the baby and other dad. It's like if you need to go to a mother's group. All the mums turn up with a baby and you need to turn up with your partner as well.

Give him a bottle and go get your hair done someplace close by he can come to for emergency feed if it doesn't work out.

Cheap pumps are often crap and the ones that go in your bra are usually more expensive, can be hundreds of pounds. Lots of women can't pump much (I couldn't but my supply was good) especially at first. I found it painful and annoying (absolutely no shade on pumping, I think woman who exclusively pump are amazing). Also why bloody should she if she doesn't want to?

Allswellthatendswelll · 10/08/2026 22:26

Grammarninja · 10/08/2026 17:15

With all due respect, you're 9 months in. Talk to me when your child is pushing 3 and nearly every child her age is still going to bed with a bottle but you have to be there for every single nighttime.
I've loved the connection ebf-ing brought but if I could turn back the clock I'd have gotten a bottle into her around 8 weeks so that she could have learned how to suck from one. Then there would be an option on the rare occasions, like my best friend's wedding, where I could have actually been properly present. She's was almost 2 for that particular event.

Show quote history

It's quite unusual though to have to be feeding an almost three year old to sleep. With my DD I breastfed exclusively (and still feed her) and I could go out in the evening and let DH put her to bed from about nine months. She just went off with a dummy and a cuddle. When I do stop breastfeeding her she'll have a cup of milk at bedtime anyway so won't matter she's never had a bottle.

TheProjectManager · 10/08/2026 22:15

8 weeks probably feels like 100 years right now but in a matter of months your baby will be sitting up and trying solids.

What you are doing in terms of breast feeding sounds so great. I'd be absolutely loathe to upset the apple cart. If you were formula feeding noone would suggest that you sent your baby out intending on breastfeeding for the evening. The boys night out with 8 week olds sounds quite performative all round. And rather bizarre but maybe I am old fashioned!!

I would have killed to have mastered breastfeeding like that. It is so much cheaper to breastfeed... No moral judgement on breast over bottle but he is taking something pretty special for granted.

I'd get him to bond in all of the other ways you describe before upsetting the breastfeeding.

Comtesse · 10/08/2026 21:45

wasieverreallyhere · 10/08/2026 19:48

What's wrong with people you are so perfect i think you just wanted a baby not bothered if you really wanted to be with him but he has a good job so he will pay for baby when you dump him then you will complain he never did anything for the baby don't worry you can then say how hard it is breastfeeding all the time and a single mum

Show quote history

Umm sorry what? This is Mumsnet you plum.

Grandslam8 · 10/08/2026 21:40

He’s a horrible selfish cunt. He is putting his own wants before the babies needs

WhiteJasmin · 10/08/2026 21:29

I think you are making it a bigger problem than it is. Just get a cheap wearable breast pump and pump a bottle whenever he wants to take the baby out or when you want to go out. You don't need the baby to be bottle-fed all the time. Appreciate the time off for yourself.

He isn't bringing the baby so he can show off with friends. He wants to be part of the dad journey too. If you want him to be an involved dad, allow him his bonding time with the baby and other dad. It's like if you need to go to a mother's group. All the mums turn up with a baby and you need to turn up with your partner as well.

Give him a bottle and go get your hair done someplace close by he can come to for emergency feed if it doesn't work out.

Pessismistic · 10/08/2026 21:19

Hi op I think until your dp can handle the shitty nappies alone he’s not ready to be set free with baby. Why would you take the baby away from the healthiest thing for baby so dad can show off? Sorry no it’s not how it works it’s not about your anxiety it’s about doing what’s best for you both. There’s plenty of time for showing off remind him breast is best especially as it’s working for both you and baby.

OhBotherSaidPoo · 10/08/2026 20:28

To echo what everyone has said, it's pretty selfish of him and is acting in his interests and not of his child.
But, you are going to have many battles like this in the future, and this is where a compromise might come in handy, suggest you go to the pub too. Not to sit with the other dads, take your own book or a friend and be on hand for the inevitable feed, passing baby back when the nappy needs changing so he can perform dad of the year again.

Pam100127 · 10/08/2026 20:04

It would be a NO from me.
I EBF both my kids, they never had a soother or bottle.
Their dad did bath-time, stories, lots of playing and singing.
It’s only for the first 6 months, then you start introducing solids, and he can be involved in that.
So many people try to blame the mother for not sharing, but breastfeeding is a lovely part of bonding, that it’s okay for the mother to be doing.
My husband sat beside me while I was feeding, he sang to them, he stroked their head, winded them and lifted them if they were crying.
Stay strong.

Mumtotornadoes · 10/08/2026 20:03

wasieverreallyhere · 10/08/2026 19:48

What's wrong with people you are so perfect i think you just wanted a baby not bothered if you really wanted to be with him but he has a good job so he will pay for baby when you dump him then you will complain he never did anything for the baby don't worry you can then say how hard it is breastfeeding all the time and a single mum

Show quote history

🤨 My Husband is literally the greatest man, husband and father I have ever met. You couldn't pay me enough to dump him. He is an equal parent to our children, as he should be.

wasieverreallyhere · 10/08/2026 19:48

Politygal · 10/08/2026 18:54

Do what is best for you and your baby. Anybody else comes second to that.

What's wrong with people you are so perfect i think you just wanted a baby not bothered if you really wanted to be with him but he has a good job so he will pay for baby when you dump him then you will complain he never did anything for the baby don't worry you can then say how hard it is breastfeeding all the time and a single mum

wasieverreallyhere · 10/08/2026 19:48

Mumtotornadoes · 09/08/2026 05:47

So he wants you to do more work so he can go to the pub with his mates and pretend to be an involved dad.

NGL I'm pretty sure by 8 weeks I still hadn't changed a nappy of DS2 (DS1 had a different dad, very much like your current partner). My job was establishing breastfeeding.

Introducing a bottle can massively impact breastfeeding. Pumping is an utter ball ache. Washing bottles is a ball ache. I don't personally know anyone that has managed to maintain mixed feeding for long but I do know a couple of mums that pumped exclusively for a year from my baby group, I think they're fucking heroic tbh. You're very lucky if baby will take a once a week bottle. They either won't take it or they start to refuse the breast.

My DH was sad he couldn't feed our baby, so we did try a bottle a few different times, and a few different bottles. But he was a very hands on dad who did all the work and I had pumped anyway because I was over engorging and my tits felt like they were going to explode so we had a few bags of breast milk anyway. Baby wouldn't take it at all. Not at all. Not any type of bottle, he wouldn't even put it in his mouth.

Your partner will be very pissed if he's at the pub with his mates and his baby is screaming hungry and he can't feed him. And your baby will be distressed.

Does he do any of the burping?

Any man that won't change is baby's nappy isn't worth shit in my book TBF. I'd reccomend just holding firm and saying "if you want to bond with your baby you can read to her, change her nappy, do her bath times, burp her after I've nursed, rock her when shes crying."

My DH got 3 months off, which obviously helped alot. But even once he was back at work he would get up in the night with DS, bring him to me to feed, then burp him, change him and settled him back to sleep. If he was crying for anything not hunger related he was the one that walked up and down the living room rocking him. And he's now currently laid asleep with our two boys cuddling him while I'm up Doom scrolling because I'm pregnant and can't sleep.

Your partner ain't worth shit, don't have another baby with him for starters. And don't give yourself extra work so he can pretend to be an involved father.

What's wrong with people you are so perfect i think you just wanted a baby not bothered if you really wanted to be with him but he has a good job so he will pay for baby when you dump him then you will complain he never did anything for the baby don't worry you can then say how hard it is breastfeeding all the time and a single mum

Tuesdayschild50 · 10/08/2026 19:15

So his attitude is because he is the higher earner he makes all the decisions...
God im glad im single .. stay breastfeeding he should be encouraging you not trying to change things because he wants to go to the pub and pushing when baby goes in his own room will be when you think he is ready x