AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

I think you are being slightly unreasonable, i understand how well you are doing breastfeeding and its fantastic.

However baby is only young and as time goes on and things maybe aren’t as calm as they are now you might enjoy a couple of hours downtime will DH takes baby, this will only be possible if he can take a bottle. This may be more difficult the later you leave it.

Another issue is the cultural difference, i have french family and your DH attitude does reflect theirs i’ll point out its actually the wives that are french - the two males are English. Also growing up French are extremely strict generally, theres a book called something along the lines of french kids don’t throw food. My kids are well behaved in english standards but look like absolute horrors next to my neices and nephews 🙈 i quake at my SIL’s when they get going.

I do also kind of see why the PND was suggested as if you were male and suggesting to tag along to a female catch up it would be seen as very controlling, and not letting baby leave you can be seen as a sign, however overall it doesn’t seem this is the issue here.

Pumping was an absolute disaster for me - didn’t work at all - so we got formula (disgusting ingredients btw) so DH could be ‘heroDad’. What a waste of time just for that. Dd didn’t want bottle at all - sort of had to be forced upon her. I regretted giving up EBF very much - by far the easiest thing to do

So basically you have two babies.

Ok I've been here in a sense (not about the partner bit though, sorry, sounds unfair). I absolutely wanted my BF baby to be able to take a bottle when and if needed. By this I mean when the odd occasion arose that I'd be away from him for a few hours (for odd opportunity to have a much earned break!). Pumping didn't work for us as I just couldn't get much and by the time I did it we were basically ready for the next feed - but then I didn't have any milk left?! It never really made sense to me it was so much work and so overwhelming. Might have made a difference that he was given the odd bottle in hospital to ensure he had enough so was essentially mixed fed for a few days until we got home and I put the hard work in. We decided my husband was to feed him once a day so he gave him a bottle and it freed me up for a few hours, it was such a help!! And the same if my mam was minding him for a few hours. It really really made a huge difference jusy for that odd feed. Baby didn't reject the boob in any way and he had a bottle amazingly well. Whenever he'd be minded by a family member over the months he'd have a bottle fine. Around 7/8 months his teeth started to come in (biting/bleeding) and he was clearly too hungry in the night so gradually gave him more bottles and our amazing journey naturally had to end. In short I don't think the odd bottle out of all the feeds they'll be having will make a blind bit of difference to your baby but it will give YOU a break and your partner will feel like he's being useful and have some bonding time. However if baby rejects bottle then you can just keep trying or have to just pump if you can. What's the deal with the sterilising? Its not much of a hassle with the MAM bottles you can just sterlise them in the microwave, both of yoh can do it especially if its only a one off feed. He definitely needs to help with that or you both need to be more informed about it as it's not much work as a one off at all regardless of who does it, but to refuse yet he wants to feed does not make sense. It's either you pumping for him or him sterilslising, I know which one takes more work...

Firstly, as you’re doing all the feeding and care it’s you’re decision.

I would suggest that there could be a compromise. With my firstborn, I introduced a bottle of expressed milk a week from around 4 weeks. It wasn’t about DH getting a chance to bond with the baby (he was already doing that), it was to preserve the option of baby taking a bottle at some point if I wanted or needed to be away from the baby. It wasn’t really extra work, one hand pump per week and one bottle to sterilise.

With my second born, he absolutely refused bottles and didn’t take his first until over a year old, despite my DH trying multiple times. That was a bit of a nightmare tbh!

You’re still really early in your breastfeeding journey so I understand that you are hesitant to do anything that might interrupt it. I seriously doubt that baby would develop a bottle preference at this point, especially if it’s very occasional bottle use.

I think the issue is, nothing about this situation says he is going to do his share. OP might end up with the same amount of responsibility for feeding, less perhaps one or two feeds every however often the dads meet up, but in a way that she finds less convenient. Being able to share the load is often a massive benefit, but it does require someone else to share the load with.

I think actually you have other serious issues with the boyfriend beyond the feeding!! He doesn’t sound like your partner and actually I think there’s some huge red flags in your post. I suspect he will end up being controlling or worse…

How can it be that he have a 8 week old baby, but never changed a pooh?! That's insane.
If he wants to give baby a bottle then everyone do with that is down to him, why would you share the workload?
I also EBF my kids. I did occasionally give a bottle, but it was very difficult. Pumping was really awful and extremely slow for me.
Also, any time I missed my normal boob slot of feeding, they'd become engorged, hurt and leak milk. So I could not relax anyway.
Do not marry this man, he is not being a supportive partner or a great dad.

I have had several friends whose babies became 'bottle refusers' as they didn't introduce a bottle, and to be honest it looks like a really hard life to me. They were never able to go out and leave their babies for more than an hour or two (fine in the early stages but more wearing after 6 months) and they were perpetually more exhausted because all feeds were on them, 24 hours a day, and they couldn't share the load. I would (and did) be letting dad do his share of feeds xx

Welfare if child doesnt necessarily mean stay with mum. Even if mum is breastfeeding.

how can a man who does fuck all be supportive? It’s your baby, you do everything for it, baby can stay in your room as long as you like unless he’s done half the night wakings and getting up in the morning, you get complete say in baby until he’s putting in the effort doing some of the work. Happily changing nappies because it’s his baby. If you let him get at your confidence you might well have ppd, it’s really common when your partner is shit.

Who does he think would be paying for the bottles and buying/hiring a pump if you need one OP?

Hun I can tell you now unless a miracle happens where EBF baby sleep for 8 hours it’s unlikely baby will be in it’s own room at 6 months, and if they are you’ll probably be going into feed. If you love EBF stand your ground and get a health professional on board to back to you up. If he wants to feed he needs to be doing the sterisiling etc. and funnily enough I know loads of babies who won’t take a bottle after being EBF, and loads of babies who prefer the bottle and won’t go back in the boob. I’d get advice from your local infant feeding team about if you are to introduce a bottle how best to do it, make sure you get slow flow teets etc as faster flow teets means baby will have more milk quicker and less likely to want boob again.
edited after seeing some more of your replies. Absolutely stand your ground, you also need to be emotionally prepared if you are weaning him off breastmilk at 6 months you will have a hormone dump that will be a difficult period for you. Personally do what you want to do, if you don’t want to wean at 6 months don’t!! many women who give up BF before they are ready are much more likely to experience depression and anxiety as a result, I’m not trying to frighten you but it is a known phenomenon. Please speak to your infant feeding team for support!! Xxx

Good grief. What am I reading? He sounds awful! He’d really rather feed your precious firstborn formula than have him breastfeed? That tells you all you need to know about his priorities right there.

He’s making all the demands.Make some of your own. Think what’s best for baby and you. Eg would it be better if baby would take occasional bottle for baby and you? If so he needs to support by doing the work.

Get your finances equalised now. Take out life insurance and make wills if you haven’t already.

Good Lord.. if it ain't broke, don't fix it!

EBF babies are SO much easier for the mother. When they get hungry, you feed them. No powder, no cooled boiled water, no sterilising. You just feed them. It's always to hand. Your nappy bag has nappies in it. When you want to leave the house..You just leave the house.

Why on earth would you mess this up so a bloke can appear to be a great, hands on dad for a couple of hours.
Nope. Just, nope.

What are his redeeming qualities exactly OP?

Im sure some on MN will disagree but earning all the money doesn’t mean you get to opt out of the grind of parenting and having a home. He’s got a big boy job I’m sure he’s capable of putting some laundry on and buying presents for his own side of the family.

Youre already the default parent, did you do all the admin and housework pre kids? Don’t become a martyr, set some limits now. And don’t pump and introduce a bottle unless YOU want to, not for him to perform being a capable Dad. What an ick.

@gratedcheeseandham why are you even entertaining this?

He wants to be an equal partner/parent then he takes his share of getting up early with the baby, changing nappies, doing housewor and life admin.

Why have you ended up in a situation where he literally does nothing but cook?! There’s such an arrogance about someone who thinks that because they earn more, then their partner should literally clean up around them whilst they sit on their arse. He is saying that it is your job to service his life because you earn less than him. How deeply misogynistic and unattractive.

He only cooks because he likes it!!

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he can fuck right off with his demands that are nothing to do with stepping up and all about showing off… and whilst you’re at it, make it very clear that you will no longer accept that you will pick up everything because he deems this to be beneath him.

There are obviously wider issues here with your BF stepping up into fatherhood and his attitude towards your shared life and responsibilities split but I’m going to focus on your actual question. You would be a bit unreasonable if his desire to feed the baby was anything other than performative (which it clearly is).
My suggestion for you is to take him at his word and say ‘yes, if you really want to, then OK’ to him. Hear me out - say yes, then do absolutely nothing else. Don’t buy bottles or sterilising equipment, if they get bought, don’t sterilise them. Be prepared to express a small amount, for his dad’s group, but that is it. After you have said yes, if he complains, say ‘I said yes already, by all means go ahead, what’s stopping you?’ (E.g. I have no bottle) - ‘well, no you won’t until you buy some’ and so on. Do nothing about it. I suspect when he has all the work, he won’t bother anyway. He might manage one bottle at his men’s group.

He sounds clueless.

The great benefit of bottle feeding is that someone else can do it. But he's not even pretending he's going to take that over now! I bet if you did start bottle feeding, be it pumped or formula, the washing and sterilising would fall more on you.

And bf is front loaded, no pun intended. The downsides are primarily at the start and once you've come out on the other side is when it starts to get easier. It's like you've had exclusive exposure to the cons and now you're being asked to give up full access to the pros.

The courts - and law’s - primary focus at all times is supposed to be the welfare of the child. Parental rights come way below this.

when you both work usually, does he work more hours than you? If not, then this is all just totally wrong.
It is rampant misogyny to claim he ‘earns the money’ so you have to do all life admin.
Drop the rope. Stop doing his family birthdays etc. You need to attempt to reset your relationship before you end up working again and doing all childcare, housework and life admin.
However, tbh, a man who says those kinds of things rarely changes. He believes he’s too good for the menial tasks (simply because he’s a man) and you will have a constant battle to get him to do anything. Good luck.

You can just buy ready made formula that even has a teat to attach. No sterilising or mixing up formula necessary. Having said that, he sounds controlling and unpleasant. I wouldn't be compromising on the 6-month own room or breastfeeding in general tbh.

They don't attach outside of the primary care giver, the breastfeeding Mother, in this case. We think it's evolutionary and it allowed the death of a Mother to happen, without trauma. Newborns shouldn't be forced to be away from their Mother's, we recognise this during, hospital stays, SS intervention and in Prisons etc.

It’s not a small thing. Pumping or prepping/cleaning formula bottles is a huge pain. I had to do both before I was able to EBF and it was a huge relief to stop.