AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

I don’t have a need for baby bottles, but I glanced at the price in Sainsbury’s recently! And it sounds to me like you will purchase all of the required equipment for a one off pub meet up! That’s one expensive pub trip! If his main contribution to being a dad is a wet nappy twice a week, this doesn’t bode well for helping out with feeds. Hopefully said pub is a lovely family or country pub, and not one where there is a likelihood of drunken people falling all over the babies/loud music. Or dads having a few pints whilst ‘babysitting!’ Of all the more suitable places they could meet! Anyway, he can’t tell you what to do with your body (expressing milk can be painful, it disrupts the natural ebb and flow of feeds, and it is such hard work, for me tiny, tiny slow drips, it’s like watching paint dry!) How dare he tell you to do that! It may not be possible for you and then will he ask you to give formula? Even once is enough to disrupt the babies system. (fine if that’s YOUR choice, as after all, you will be the one dealing with the dirty nappys! It won’t be him will it?) He needs to put you and his child first for a change in his decision making. Why are men so fucking useless!

If breast feeding is going well I wouldn’t introduce bottles yet. It is far easier to breast feed than mess about with bottles and formula.

I have not read the full thread. Amd agree you shouldn't introduce formula if you don't want to and pumping is a faff. However if it's just for the occasional time, could you use a haakaa. It catches turn let down from the other breast and then you can freeze the milk. I did this however baby completely refused bottle anyway!

Because it's not one small thing. OP has even listed the ways in which it's not a small thing.

Tell DP you'll give baby a good feed and then he can take baby to the pub. If baby cries he knows it won't be hunger so he can do whatever we all do to try to settle baby when we know it's not hunger. He'll be able to have a good two hours with him if he puts in the work of settling.

Maybe he needs to practise a bit more before hand by getting up earlier and taking baby after the morning feed, changing more nappies etc. Currently he's doing the bare minimum and just wants to look good in front of his Dad friends.

This. No is a complete sentence

If breastfeeding is working perfectly for you then you’d be off your chump to introduce a bottle. Bottle feeding is a faff from start to finish and I’ll say it - it’s not optimal for your baby. Introducing a bottle just so the boyfriend can play Dad of the year with his friends is crazy particularly when you have offered compromise after compromise. In a few months time, none of this will be relevant anyway as baby will go for longer between feeds and you’ll be introducing solids.

The baby in own room thing can be considered nearer the time and that would depend on how well your baby is sleeping.

Tell him you DGAF about how it’s done in France. You’re in England.

Baby can go to pub without bottle fir an hour or two and be fine.

Dad needs to step up wiith nappies.

Also (as usual) loads of myths about breastfeeding on here.

to address a few

leaving a EBF baby - once they are around 12 weeks it should be ok to feed baby and leave for around 3 hours. If mum isn’t there baby is unlikely to ask for milk. Yes it takes some timing and work around that but it’s possible. From 6 month they can have milk in a sippy cup. As solid intake increases they can also be left for longer with solids and water instead. They may have longer feeds when back with mum if needed.

Make it harder to go to childminder - nope. They can feed before and after (and likely will to reconnect) there’s no evidence that a EBF baby will be harder to settle in childcare than a bottle fed baby.

sleep - zero scientific evidence that bottles make babies sleep more or better. None check BASIS for the studies.

Plus as he's not doing night feeds, and clearly won't even if baby is partially/fully bottle fed by then, he won't concern himself with the extra faff of going into another room to feed and settle.

I think it wrong to assume it’s performative
as a dad a few of us used to meet up
there was nothing performative about it
great to take the kids somewhere
Helps you build a little network
because as a dad going to other groups on your own as a man your not particularly made welcome

Thing is he will just want to do this the one time, then hand the baby back. He’s not factoring in all of the work around it. Same with wanting baby out of the room at 6 months. Baby will just transfer to a cot, no problem!

I am not a fan of this guy. He seems lazy and domineering.

He's a proud dad and he wants to show his baby off. It's good to have a few hours to yourself so I suggest you express milk, get one of these instant sterilisers and book a coffee date with a friend. It will do both of you a world of good.

As for the 6 months, back in the day we never had the babies in our room, this is a new thing. They were in the nursery almost from the get-go so 6 months really is long enough.

There’s no reason to introduce a bottle if your or your baby don’t want. Your body your choice!

for what it’s worth, my eldest was combi fed and I hated it. I saw literally no benefit to doing it. Out of the 14 bottles a week he had, I had to do 10 as DH was at work. I wish I’d gone back to EBF.

I EBF my second. She was also a baby that put in weight well, fed well and slept well. She also refused dummies and the one bottle I tried to give her. I just saw no point in trying to force it.

DH did bath times and story time. He’d had cuddles / play time while I napped. Once solids started he’d do their meals at weekends (pre covid days so he was out the house 7-7 during the week)

Yes, I have.

this doesn’t guarantee anytning, you just can’t pick it with babies. did the pumping (hated every second of it) to feed ds1 some bottles reasonably regularly at 3, 4 months for exactly this reason, made me miserable and wiped out but I thought it’d be worth it. From 5 months he wouldn’t touch bottles.

Sorry to say there are some red flags here. Most importantly the arrogance that he earns more than you so his opinion and decisions are more important and he should have to deal with any life admin.

the lack of non-performative engagement, eg doing nappies, is also concerning.

however - I think a lot of dads don’t engage with babies as well as they do with toddlers and older, ie when they interact and play. Newborns need their mums and it is brilliant that you are in that lovely BF bubble and well bonded.

i can totally get why you don’t want to mess up your baby’s diet by introducing formula but it could benefit baby and you longer term. I think it is incredibly unlikely baby would prefer a bottle to BF - BF comes with the comfort of snuggling into you. If he can take a bottle that will give you the option to leave him with his dad and longer term will make it easier when he transitions to a childminder.

pumping is an ovary ache, if DP wants to introduce a bottle it would be much easier if he were to do so with formula - you can get little packs of ambient premix so no worries about storage or supply.

Babies rarely take a bottle of their mum because they’d rather have boob so if he is to have it DP will have to manage the introduction of a bottle without you in the room.

washing and sterilising is a faff but if it is just the odd bottle now and then it’s not too bad.

in short, I would let him but pass responsibility for it entirely over to DP. ‘Yes dear, it would be lovely if you could take baby out and also look after him when I need to pop out, let me know how you get on’

I started the thread, indeed I opened the thread, thinking “you are definitely not being unreasonable”. I’ve stopped reading the OP and now thinking “this relationship isn’t going to last long and that’s his fault. Honestly OP I would start reconsidering your future with this dickhead.

But this is a derailment of the principal concern of the thread . So perhaps we leave it there and agree to disagree.

I traveled long haul to visit family when they were about 6 months old and would never have weaned off breast before then. Flying long haul with an ebf baby- fine. Flying long haul with having to make up bottles - no thanks!!

Agreed if mother is abusive - otherwise disagree. Breast-feeding - mother’s breast milk - is accepted by all U.K. health advice and therefore courts as the optimum.

Delivery of this by bottle where mother doesn’t reside with infant is impractical and sometimes impossible. Have you expressed milk? It’s sometimes impossible, difficult or painful and by no means as efficient as the alternative.

OP - as other posters have already said, don't let him ruin breastfeeding. It sounds like you have had a fantastic experience with it, and if you are enjoying it and finding it easy then it is absolutely the best thing for both baby and you. I wouldn't have introduced a bottle in your circumstances!

It is also not selfish to worry about introducing a bottle causing breast aversion. Although I would think in your case with well established breastfeeding and a healthy growing baby that would be unlikely.

I breastfed both of my DC and the experience with my first was really hard, for various reasons. We did use some bottles early on, which was a faff and I worried about breast aversion, but we did end up EBF from about 1 month old up until weaning age. My husband was amazing with washing and sterilising bottles, etc. and feeding baby at night if I needed him to. He was doing it to help me though, not for his own benefit!
My second never had a bottle, completely different breastfeeding experience (although she didn't sleep for years so they both had their challenges)!

Good luck OP. You sound like you are doing and amazing job! Don't like him push you into doing something you don't feel is in your son's best interests.

I have never commented this on a post but honestly LTB. So many red flags.

He does not have more of a say because he happens to earn more - he should see you as a team supporting a baby you share (as well as choosing to share your lives). I took years off with our babies and have always managed our finances because I'm better at it (all joint since we bought our first house, which was before we got married - because this is the point we decided to do life together). Husband earns double me, he's also had time off with babies but it's always all ours. We disagree sometimes but talk things through, both our pov are valid.

You're in a very vulnerable position not getting married. If you suggested going to the registry office now to make it official to protect you and baby what would he say?

All jobs (mental load and otherwise) should be shared. I think your instinct is correct about bottle feeding not being about bonding and being about showing off - he can show off his skills by starting to change nappies (and get up at night) or he'll never be capable of looking after his child on his own. Even if it were the latter, its still ultimately your decision as you are currently solely responsible for feeding this baby and any change is going to have the biggest impact on you. He should care enough about you and baby not to put his needs ahead of both!

If you want baby sleeping with you until 1 (which is the advice in the UK I think) you should be able to have a say in this.

I think you have lots to talk about and you need to find a way to communicate well soon. This is one of the most stressful times as a couple but you seem miles apart and it doesn't seem you are able to have your say and feel you will be listened to as an equal. This is a really bad situation to be in.

Well he's that's awful she's planning on marrying him.

The fact he has more money does not mean he should have more control than you - he needs to be a team player and baby’s wellbeing and welfare must come first.