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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

456 replies

gratedcheeseandham · 09/08/2026 05:13

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

  1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
  2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
  3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
  4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
  5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 09/08/2026 09:22

CatCaretaker · 09/08/2026 09:18

'Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say.'

I admit I haven't read every reply, but the above is extremely concerning.

It worries me that many posters have missed this.

CatCaretaker · 09/08/2026 09:22

On a practical note, as baby refuses the dummy etc., i'd imagine it's very unlikely that he'd accept a bottle. Mine was the same, refused anything other than the nipple so I was her only source of food whether I liked it or not (I liked it, luckily enough).

This was a baby that would take a bottle in the very early days (to give me a break). Once she was off them for a few weeks, she totally refused them forever more.

BoldnessReborn · 09/08/2026 09:21

He should go along to the meet up and make friends and bring the baby for a short visit or just be alone. In a few weeks or months the baby will still be a baby but will be fine between feeds for longer! 8 weeks is peak cluster feeding time so best to let you and baby get on with it for this short but intense period of time while your baby has serious growing to do, doubling its birthweight!

Honestly the time is so short and it will pass and he can have more and more time bonding and being parent in charge (which is a brilliant thing for a dad to bond, just not if it displaces the initial breastfeeding focus).

Pinkflamingo10 · 09/08/2026 09:19

You baby is only 8 weeks old !!!!!
I have had 3 ebf babies. pumping a bottle of ebm is zero break imo. There are millions of other ways a dad can support you and bond with baby.
absolutely no way would i let a baby go anywhere without me at that age.

thehighline · 09/08/2026 09:19

I actually went against the grain here and voted YABU. You seem quite pedantic. You don’t need to spend hours researching formula and make a huge deal out of your boyfriend burping your baby - I presume he is a grown man? You had a baby with this man so there must be love and trust there (I would hope) my DD was bottle and breastfed for months and actually I loved the break when my husband bottle fed her. MN hate men so your boyfriend is absolutely going to come out worse on this but it looks to me like he wants to spend some time with his baby, and god forbid he wants to take them out to a men’s meet up and give you a break!!! The washing etc is a non negotiable if he wants to do this then he does the cleaning but I actually don’t think he’s being that unreasonable. He needs to step up with the nappies though, you know you can just say no you change it when the baby does a poo?

CatCaretaker · 09/08/2026 09:18

'Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say.'

I admit I haven't read every reply, but the above is extremely concerning.

sittingonabeach · 09/08/2026 09:17

Starzinsky · 09/08/2026 09:16

I don't really understand why the baby can't move to their own room. Setting yourself up for a really clingy baby and child.

You know about the safe sleeping guidelines?

endofthelinefinally · 09/08/2026 09:16

He isn't thinking about his child at all, just himself.
Why disrupt and reduce your supply when you have just got established?

Starzinsky · 09/08/2026 09:16

I don't really understand why the baby can't move to their own room. Setting yourself up for a really clingy baby and child.

Dery · 09/08/2026 09:15

Lots of good advice here. There are some really problematic elements to his attitude. He doesn’t get more of a say because he earns more than you. Jesus. You’re a unit. DH and I didn’t get married until some time after both children were born; he earned a lot more than me when our children were born because he was further into his career. It wouldn’t have crossed his mind to argue it gave him a greater say on parenting matters.

And he needs to know that working-outside-the-home parents parent and housekeep when they’re home. You’re on mat leave. Looking after your child during the day is your day job. And it’s an intense one. I really struggled with breastfeeding and we mixed bottle and breast from early on but just because it’s easy for you does not mean that your body is not working hard to enable you to do it. When he’s home, he should be splitting parenting and chores with you. That’s the reality of the early years of parenting.

My understanding is that mat leave is typically quite short in France therefore there are different drivers and priorities. He needs to realise things are different in the UK.

sunshine244 · 09/08/2026 09:12

He sounds controlling. Be aware that domestic abuse often starts after children are born and keep an eye out in case things ramp up.

As for the bottle expressing is such a faff. I was under pressure similarly to you and persevered with it but it was a disaster and just made everyone more stressed.

If he is into cooking presumably he likes fresh food. Formula is about as ultra processed as you can get. That might be an angle to dicuss.

Jstarr7 · 09/08/2026 09:11

gratedcheeseandham · 09/08/2026 05:13

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

  1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
  2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
  3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
  4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
  5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

TBH the baby would probably refuse the bottle now. Both mine refused a bottle until 9/10 months old despite me trying to get them used to taking the one at about 3 or 4 weeks old. I loved breast feeding but would have loved a odd break with a good nights sleep or my husband to have had them for the odd afternoon, it was relentless

FlatCatYellowMat · 09/08/2026 09:07

Given your baby is very happily feeding from you, and you have no need of bottles, put the ball entirely in his court - you don't need bottles or pump or formula, if he wants it, he can sort it. Why would you make your already busy life even busier. He can do it if he wants it.

I pretty much guarantee that a BF baby who's happy that way, will not take a bottle of formula from dad without significant effort from you - which you don't need to make.

Why would you get involved with sterilising bottles? You have no need of bottles. He can either only go out for a couple of hours, or, wait a couple of months until there's a longer gap.

NotSmallButFunSize · 09/08/2026 09:06

gratedcheeseandham · 09/08/2026 07:48

Thanks all for the comments. To answer a few questions:

  1. We are planning on getting married but it is not at the top of our to do list (perhaps naively with finances)
  2. I would say the main reason I am so apprehensive of the bottle as I don’t want to pile on more work for myself and I enjoy it - why risk baby preferring bottle over breast? (This is perhaps the selfish reason). I think BF wants to basically show baby off to his mates as others have pointed out, and I’ve said this to BF. He pretty much agreed. I think it’s very important he has time with the dad group (I wouldn’t say they are friends as we have only met them 4 times and this would be the first of a dads meet up, which the mums had to push them to do anyway to try and make friends… but off topic).
  3. I am cautious of becoming the default parent and have seen things already that I have stated (not bothering with nappies etc) that may mean I slip into one. I take care of everything admin-related to the baby, e.g clothes buying, appointment booking, keeping note on when we need nappies/blankets/misc baby items, researching schools, groups & activities and working out what we can afford. IF my bf expressed he wanted to feed because he wanted to bond, I would maybe think differently, but it is more an angle of trying to either show baby off or palm him off to babysitters - from what I know, this is more common in his French culture
  4. As it stands, baby will be going into his own room at 6 months. I have requested that we start in 2027 when he will be 6.5, but that’s only because I don’t want him to ‘wean’ over the Xmas period when we would already have a lot on our plate, BF agreed.
  5. Other household admin is my responsibility and always has been, including insurance, anything to do with car, holiday planning, gifts/birthdays for both sides of the family, anything to do with home improvement/DIY (bf takes care of garden), grocery shopping is joint as it’s our ‘Saturday activity’ with a coffee. I may ask to delegate some of these now to BF, as the only household task he does is cook. He says he brings in the money (especially now I’m on maternity), so he ‘shouldn’t have to’ worry about anything else. BF grew up with a stay at home mum and working dad.
  6. baby refuses dummies, fingers, anything that isn’t my nipple in his mouth.
Edited

Ugh, to number 5 - when are these bloody men going to realise and accept that even if they had no baby and wife/GF, THEY WOULD BE WORKING ANYWAY!!

Does my head in that they think "earning money" is some special added task they bring to their family 🙄

Guess what mate, you would hardly be living the stay at home life if you were single and you would also be doing all your own "home" stuff too so give it a bloody rest with that BS!!

Comtesse · 09/08/2026 09:06

He sounds like a tool (who thinks their salary determines how a baby gets fed FFS).

There are some advantages in a baby being able to manage feeding from a bottle though. So I wouldn’t discount it all together - but to try bottles just so he can go to the pub snd show off? Nope.

RampantIvy · 09/08/2026 09:02

Ophy83 · 09/08/2026 08:02

The only reason to use a bottle is if you want to because you are struggling with feeding or need a break. If that isn't the case then baby's best interests are to carry on exclusively breastfeeding- it's going well and is providing the best source of nutrients and antibodies. Dad is putting his own interests above the baby's unfortunately.

👋👋👋
The father wants to make it all about him. The baby's needs come first.

YouSawBrigadoon · 09/08/2026 09:02

He sounds like a selfish twat.

I EBF mine for a year each. Never expressed and never gave formula in that time.

OpheliaNightingale · 09/08/2026 09:01

And for everyone saying feed baby just before leaving, that is possibly not going to tie in with meet up time, and we don’t know how far away this pub is, whether public transport is involved etc. All of that would have caused me a lot of stress as a newly breastfeeding mum. I didn’t like being far from my baby and he certainly didn’t like being away from me. That’s the most natural feeling in the world and safest for baby.

Bluehouse14 · 09/08/2026 09:01

Oh god. I'm angry on your behalf. He wants to introduce formula so he can go and perform a show in front of new friends he is trying to make. If you're happy breastfeeding and it's going well, that's absolutely amazing. There is no need to introduce a scientifically inferior milk. He should be overjoyed it's all gone so well and support you. Absolutely bonkers. Expressing can be hard work. Sterilising is also really hard work. The French do have very different attitudes to child rearing, it's interesting and there are positives to their method but I do not agree with his reasoning one bit on this (I enjoyed reading why french kids don't throw food). His view on earning more money therefore getting more say is absolutely abhorrent. If he is so desperate to act like a good father in front of his friends, you could feed the baby just before he goes to the pub and pop in again at the 2 hour mark. I really can't see the issue with this. Or he can just go alone. Sorry, he's sounds awful.

BreatheAndFocus · 09/08/2026 09:00

YADNBU. This is far from the first partner I’ve heard of who’s tried to break the breastfeeding relationship. Why should your baby be messed round just so he can show off?

And - in fact - is this desire to go the fathers’ group genuine, or is it just an excuse to insert himself in the bond between you and baby? I wouldn’t trust him. It sounds like he’s not done much at all for the baby. If you were to give in to him and pump a bottle for this meet up he supposedly wants to go to, baby could well cry all the time and not want the bottle. The breast is comfort and closeness not just food. Your baby is so young too.

nc42day · 09/08/2026 08:58

He says he brings in the money (especially now I’m on maternity), so he ‘shouldn’t have to’ worry about anything else.

He's lucky he's not having to worry about finding a sofa to sleep on. Tell him to fuck off and keep going.

He wants you to mess around with breastfeeding, which is working perfectly well for you and for the baby, well, that's the goal, not his pub trips plus baby as an accessory. He's being a massive dickhead.

He thinks things will be easier for him when DC is a toddler and more interactive? If he can't think of any ways to make himself useful until then he's going to be on borrowed time before too long OP, based on what you've written here. Word to the wise, don't doubt your reality.

Owly11 · 09/08/2026 08:56

I stopped reading when you said your bf called you 'extremely selfish' for choosing the health and well being of your child over his personal wishes to take the baby as an accessory for his dad's night out. There is only one person in this scenario who is being a selfish arsehole and as a clue, it's not you or the baby. I am so sorry that you are going to have to bring up your child with this selfish cunt.

Merryoldgoat · 09/08/2026 08:56

You sound like you are in denial about your partner if your description of your relationship is accurate (and I’m sure it is).

SchoolDramas · 09/08/2026 08:55

HJC88 · 09/08/2026 08:48

He's a proud dad and he wants to show his baby off. It's good to have a few hours to yourself so I suggest you express milk, get one of these instant sterilisers and book a coffee date with a friend. It will do both of you a world of good.

As for the 6 months, back in the day we never had the babies in our room, this is a new thing. They were in the nursery almost from the get-go so 6 months really is long enough.

Lots of things were done 'back in the day' that aren't considered safe now. The advice for baby sleeping in the same room is at least six months at the moment.

This proud dad is putting his ego before the needs of his baby and his partner, this comes across in each issue the op raises - wanting baby out of the room, acting like maternity leave is a holiday, not helping with baby when no one is around to see it. Awful situation to raise a baby in and it won't get better magically when the baby is older, it needs to be sorted.

In these early days when I was breast feeding constantly through the night and comforting the babies most of the time as only i could, my partner did most baths, burped, settled baby to sleep, handed them to me at night, changed nappies, carried them in the sling. And he's continued to be as involved as me all the way through.

sittingonabeach · 09/08/2026 08:55

HJC88 · 09/08/2026 08:48

He's a proud dad and he wants to show his baby off. It's good to have a few hours to yourself so I suggest you express milk, get one of these instant sterilisers and book a coffee date with a friend. It will do both of you a world of good.

As for the 6 months, back in the day we never had the babies in our room, this is a new thing. They were in the nursery almost from the get-go so 6 months really is long enough.

Proud dad would be doing nappy changes and other parenting.