AIBU to feel hurt that my partner is struggling with my child?

I had friends whose relationships have broke down because when their children got into the preteen years their partner who wasn’t the dad couldn’t cope with them. It’s controversial and I’ll probably get flamed but if me & my husband every separated I’d never move another man in with my kids

Completely agree with this

This is spot on!

Step mum here (as well as bio mum). I love my step kids, but there are times that I find their behaviour very challenging - just as I find my own children’s behaviour challenging. This is totally normal and it’s healthy that you and your partner are able to talk about it.

If all of you are going to make it work living together, then your partner absolutely needs to be able to tell you if something isn’t working for them, because it is their home too. You may well have sensible ground rules about you being the one to discipline, manage behaviour etc, but they do have to be able to tell you if behaviour is bothering them.

There were certain things about my step kids behaviour that really bothered me when we first moved in together, but my DH and I talked it through and came up with strategies together.

I know handling my children who were just normal children was challenging I couldn't do a child with autism.

DC of any kind can be hard work sometimes. DC with additional needs are harder work still. Parenting your own DC is hard sometimes and parenting or living with someone else's harder still. I'm not surprised your DP is struggling - it would be very strange if he wasn't. If this is making one or both of you question living together, keep talking about it. Maybe living separately would work better?

My concern wouldn't be whether or not he will leave, but the effect him not coping would have on my child

“Hurt”?
Yeah, you’re being unreasonable.
Stop treating his comment as a personal slight, and see it for what it is.

It’s not his child. They’re yours, and you know that they are challenging.

He’s allowed to voice his opinions and concerns, and a healthy relationship should encourage openness and discussion.

Well done to your partner for being honest about his struggles with your child’s behaviours. It’s ok to feel upset and disappointed by that but your partner has done the right thing by vocalising his feelings and you all need to find a way to move forward without you making your partner feel guilty for how he feels. I imagine it’s very difficult to be a step parent to any child let alone one who is ND, you have the benefit of a maternal bond with your child your partner does not!

What a vile comment...

Back to you OP: never a man before your kids is my motto.

If he can't cope then he needs to move out.

Then you can decide whether you wan to continue seeing him.

‘Hurt’ yes you are being totally unreasonable. Your partner has been honest, you should be talking about this. What is he finding difficult, does he have any suggestions as to how it might be made easier, etc etc. if you act all hurt and like you are upset and offended he will not discuss it again. It won’t change how he feels, he will just suppress it and resentment will grow. That will, in due course, end your relationship. This is not his child. He does not have the parental bond that you do. Leave behind the fantasies that ‘he loves her like his own’ etc, he doesn’t and he won’t. If you want this to work you have to be very grown up, not defensive of your DC, not defensive of your own parenting , and prepared to compromise big time. Talk, talk talk

Its also really difficult sharing a house with a child who isn't yours. Parenting styles can differ and when its not your child you don't have the authority to impose rules/boundaries/discipline. This can be particularly true where its common these days for parents of autistic children to favour low demand parenting. If you don't agree with that parenting style its very hard to watch.

Sorry was agreeing with you 👍😊

If he’s struggling now, he’s in for a really rough time with the tween/teen years. I’d live separately and date, that seems to have been working and this likely won’t.

I meant to quote that post

That’s not what she said though is it?!?!?

She called OPs child a problem child!? Can you comprehend how rude and unkind and unhelpful that is or are you also completely void of empathy?

This site is becoming unbearable with comments like that. I used to wake up and have a browse with a coffee but the first thing I always see is negativity.

There should be tighter rules on AIBU, I’ve reported that post.

Saying you wouldn’t move in with someone whose child had significant additional needs is hardly ‘disgusting’. Children are difficult. A child with autism may present in ways that are particularly challenging, even for his/her own parents, and far more so for an unrelated adult. If the OP and her partner had thought this through in advance of cohabitation, they wouldn’t be in this situation now, but they are, and it’s important the partner can be honest about struggling, especially as the OP clearly has different metrics on what behaviour might be challenging from her 10 year old

My relationship broke down last year and this was a factor. I have two neurodiverse kids and although they're actually pretyy awesome - and he agreed - they had issues with impulse control, stimming, volume control, more dependent than you might expect for the age etc.

In hindsight I wish we had stayed in a relationship but not lived together. The relationship might actually have survived. He was the love of my life, but living together was the start of the end.

I have so much sympathy for you. I know how much you probably want the family life, the quiet downtime at the end of the day with your partner, but if they're struggling at 3 months it won't get easier. And honestly, although I miss my ex, I miss living with him, just me and kids in the house is easier, really. Im not worrying about how their behaviour is impacting anybody else. Im not waiting for someone else to do something or help me with something. It's just me and my kids and we're ok.

If we'd not moved in together I could then also have time with him on weekends, he could still stay over sometimes. I could have had 90% of the life I'm wanted insteadnof losing him, but everyone has 20/20 hindsight, huh?

This. Its not his kid, why is he going to want to put up with a difficult kid? The relationship might work living apart.

I don't understand why you say you're feeling hurt by this. He's being honest and you said yourself you sometimes struggle. This is a big adjustment moving in and all of you will be feeling it.
I personally think would have been easier to stay living separately. Not sure if that is still an option? But as PP have said there's no parental bond here and so it's probsbly quite normal that he will struggle

I think you could of phrased that a lot better, don't you?

As others have said; I struggle with my own child sometimes and I also have stepchildren, and yes I also struggle with them more.

It can be very difficult with children that are showing some challenging behaviours - more so if they’re not your child and you don’t have that unconditional love to get you through.

It can also come down to parenting. My DH parents his kids very very differently from me and that can lead to frustrations on my side so I tend to just remove myself from the situation.

I think you need to be realistic here OP. He isn't going to have the same parental bond as you and this will hugely magnify any difficulties from his perspective.

God you’ve got some horrible replies on here!

in all honestly he’s been totally honest about how he’s feeling and hasn’t let it build up and cause tension.
that being said maybe moving in together wasn’t the greatest idea? If he is struggling could he go back to his old place he may need to have the space away it was never going to straight forward really but that doesn’t mean it can’t work you may just have to go back to living apart if things got hard