AIBU to cut contact after years of lies about money?

Exactly

A lot of the responses are rubbish but typical MNs. The vast majority of people in the real world would be upset if a parent had lied to them for years.

So your mum sat there and let him tell you all this nonsense about a trust fund and never put you straight?

I’m sorry but you are a bit silly for relying on money that isn’t yours to begin with, whether true or not.

I've always lived by the rule that until I physically see the money in my bank account, it doesn't exist.
I could have led a life, a different life based on the money I believed I would be getting but I didn't. I chose to live my life as if it didn't exist and made all my financial decisions based on myself not being reliant on others money.
I did eventually get a huge lump sum earlier this year...all the more sweet that it's in addition to the financial security I've already built for myself.
You've learnt a hard life lesson.
Also, your poor Dad living all these years with a mental health issue.

I also have no idea exactly what sort of money my parents have they may be in hock up to their eyeballs (I’m assuming they’re not) hence why DH and I have our own retirement secured!

I’d still be making other arrangements! It sounds as though she didn’t know exactly how much was in the trust fund or how it was saved? If it was in stocks and shares then it may not have performed well anyway! I just think it’s a bit lax not making plans while having no idea exactly how much was put away in the trust fund! It’s all very subjective!

Round about the time he realised you might suspect there was no money after all, perhaps?

It's a typical behaviour for some to exert control in that way.

Agreed. It’s not naive to trust what your own parents say. I mean, I personally have never run an eye over my parents’ bank accounts to check that they have the resources they’ve indicated or that the family home isn’t secretly remortgaged to the hilt. Not many people do, I imagine… we tend to take the assurances our immediate family gives us on trust.

So, you want to cut him off because you aren't getting the massive lump sum you believed you were entitled to for some reason resulting in you doing fuck all to prepare for the future and pad out your savings. Aren't you a peach!

She didn’t assume she’d be getting a big inheritance. Her Dad told her to her face he had set up a trust fund for her and not to worry about money for her future. Two totally different things.

Thinking you might get an inheritance because your in laws a fairly well off is completely different to your Dad sitting you down as a young adult and telling you not to worry about money in the future because he has set up a significant trust fund for you.

Really? You’ve done no financial planning for your own retirements because you assumed you’d be getting a big inheritance?
With current social care costs it’s not sensible to assume anyone is getting an inheritance!!
Both my parents and in laws are reasonably well off and have been sensible with money so in theory we should get an inheritance however DH and I are both under no illusion that if any of the parentals need care which is highly likely that we will get nothing! So we have our own retirement planned for without any inheritance, that would just be the icing on the cake and we will be secure without it!!
I think your dad has been a rather silly bragging but you have also been silly not securing your own financial futures on the assumption of an inheritance!!

I don't get this at all. He has lied and decieved her her whole life. There's no trust or understanding.

I think you’ve learned a pretty tough lesson not to take things on trust when they seem to conflict with the evidence of your own eyes, and it’s okay to feel upset and even angry about it.

I don’t know whether your father’s lies are born from schizophrenia or narcissism or delusional fantasy but it does sound like there’s something pathological about it, as in, there’s a degree to which he’s literally deluded or compelled to lie, not just making things up in a coldly manipulative way.

From that point of view, perhaps your hurt and anger can be tempered with the perspective that in some way, your father isn’t wholly in control of his own behaviour.

That doesn’t mean you owe him a relationship though. Mentally ill and personality disordered people can be extremely hard to deal with and it’s okay to keep them at arm’s length, or cut them off if that’s what you need to do for your own mental health.

I’m really surprised at these responses.

You’re not entitled or grabby for being upset that your father has lied to you for years.

If my parent told me something, I would believe them. Why wouldn’t I? Unless one of them had form, or was mentally ill, why wouldn’t you believe your parent?

If your father had told you he had cancer and had been lying about it to you for years, or was hiding a second family, everyone would agree that you had a right to be upset.

I think what he has done is worse though - he’s allowed you to organise your life around something that he knows will never happen. It’s terrible. Abhorrent, actually.

Where was your mum in all this? Surely she knew it was bollocks.

What kind of job did he have when you were growing up?

You really haven't been foolish. This was your own father telling you he had a significant trust fund for you. Not hoped to have. Had.

He's made you look stupid, people perhaps having perceived you as being reckless and carefree with money. If you knew you were winning the lottery at 38, you wouldn't spend from 18 to 37 scrimping and saving would you.

As you say, I can't comprehend watching my children make poor financial choices on lies I was telling them. Awful man.

How old are you OP?

I disagree. If he hadn’t fabricated the lie in the first place OP wouldn’t have cared that her father had no money to leave her. It’s the lie he created and from that lie, OP made a mental note that she had this financial cushion coming one day, that lie has crushed her. He pulled the rug out from under her. Horrid man.

I understand your shock and confusion. But I’d recommend you take some time before terminating your relationship with him.

he may have had reason to lie. He may have originally had the funds but lost them. He may have had a mental health issue all along.

you shouldn’t blame him for your responsibility either money.

did you love him and enjoy his company before the discovery?

the way you’ve written your list, it seems as though you feel he led you to plan badly. And that he is of no use to you now that you know he won’t be giving you a substantial amount of money.

I’m sure it’s the deceit more than greed, but time and talking will hopefully help you avoid irreconcilable differences.

I think this answer nails it.