AIBU to cut contact after years of lies about money?

It is, entirely, about the money.

This almost makes me feel lucky that I worked out by the time I was 11 that I couldn’t believe a word my dad said, especially if he was talking about money, which he usually was. Or at best, that I could take what he said as an expression of his feelings for me, but never of reality.

Could you learn to see it that way? That what he meant was that he wished he could give you everything that you ever wanted? Of course the way he did it was dysfunctional and infuriating. Me and my siblings have fairly distorted relationships with money and I have certainly felt deeply angry with my dad a lot of my life. If I’m honest I haven’t grieved him, really at all, though he had good qualities and was liked and even loved by many.

But I never cut contact with him. I do think that although sometimes it is clearly necessary, NC is a huge and consequential decision that lays waste to an entire network. I would certainly give it significant time, and probably therapy, before doing that. You can reduce contact and assess how that feels?

It sounds as if you have a great Mum. So did I. That’s worth an enormous amount. If your relationship with her would suffer, I’d really question if it is worth it.

So weirdly I had the opposite. I have inherited a lot of money from DPs ahead of time. As did DS. My DS has achieved a lot more (like outing successful) whilst I have been more casual and now I just feel bitterly shit about myself. I have done good stuff in my industry. I am well known and I think I am well respected. I have made the money I got from my DPs work hard so actually it’s all good but still compared to what DS has done? It’s just crap. There is such a fine line and I think whatever you would have done it would have felt wrong

My dad was similar OP. He didn't fabricate but he implied there was more than there actually was and I think he hoped this would be the case. I just didn't completely believe what he said because he spent a lot of his money and had a lot of children (both his perogative). What he was saying didnt match our circumstances so I didn't expect anything. I am sorry you are in this position and hope you can find a way to build for your future.

Very hurtful for sure OP but hopefully anybody reading this will learn a lesson from this.
I think men in particular can have very grand ideas of where they will end up.
I think their financial circumstances define their self importance.
We all know people who are going to make a fortune, investing this, that and the other and really with all their talk they end up with not a lot.

What’s the last word supposed to be? I can’t make it fit? Too many letters for shit.

just say it. We’re grown ups here 🙄

She didn’t believe she was entitled to it! She was TOLD a trust fund had been arranged for her and not to worry about her financial future. Sheesh. Put your claws back in.

This is tricky. My df would have followed my ‘d’m’s lead and if I’d cut contact with her, he would have gone silent too.

But surely your mum has some culpability here too?

Or was he secretly saying all this to you and hiding his financial affairs from her?

Similar but different.

we were always told we were treated equally. All grandchildren, and children got exactly the same.

i did notice a couple of small things but brushed it off.

then when dad died it turned out sister had been asking for money and guilt tripping dad into paying. Private school fees, new kitchen, car, mortgage paid off, all sorts. Her children got big cash gifts. Nobody said anything, even mentioned it to us. They lived a standard pensioner lifestyle, comfortable but no holidays, no extravagant purchases etc, so we didn’t even dream they had that sort of cash.

don’t speak to any of them any more. However we never planned for any money or inheritance 🤷‍♀️

That’s different. Everyone is well aware that care costs need to be covered and inheritance is from what’s left.

However, in the case a trust was supposedly set up in OPs name so care costs wouldn’t have had an impact on this.

The dad is full of shit. Plain and simple.

This sounds like personality disorder territory.

I would be pretty devastated to learn that my own father had been lying to me for my whole life. I’m sure there will have been many further lies as well.

I would certainly be inclined to go very low contact which feels less of a loaded decision than no contact and can mean pretty much the same thing.

What an appalling thing for him to do of it was never true. It sounds like you don’t really get on anyway, so would it be a big loss?

I don’t think it’s about the inheritance it’s about the lies - imagine you were lied to your whole life, needlessly, by your mother or father.
What a sxxxt

I understand you feeling hurt by this. Honestly though my parents and my DH’s parents are reasonably well off and I imagine we could inherit a decent amount, but equally it could al disappear in care fees or they could decide to spend a load on something cool for themselves (I hope they do!), it’s just crazy to ever rely on inheritance, even if you literally see evidence of the money- if it’s in their name your never know what will happen to it- even if their intentions are genuine. If you had a child trust fund then you’d have had access to that at 18 and it would be your money. I get you feeling let down by the lies though.

But even if he had a substantial amount stashed away it was never guaranteed to her. What about possible care costs ?

I think relying on inheritance is wrong. In this case it was fabricated anyway.

It's deeply bizarre he chose to lie like this. But I'm not sure I'd believe there was this huge quantity of money. I mean where did he say it came from? You must have known roughly what he earned. And the fact you had very modest lives and possessions.
I feel it's not likely I'd be banking on this. Especially if there was no proof it existed.

And plus the fact how would you know when he was going to die? He could be in a care home for 20 years and any money would be gone. Even if it did exist in the first place.

So you're mourning for something that was never there. No doubt it's the trust issue that hurts the most though. He could be deluded, he could be mentally ill. Who knows?

Really? Not to rely on what a parent tells you? Who can you trust then?

You are not unreasonable. My DD knows all about my planning for her inheritance, it’s what I want and for her to make informed choices and maybe do more further education and so on. If everything I was saying was a lie, that would be awful and so cruel. What a terrible thing for a parent to do to their child

Of course yanbu.
He lied to you your whole life, even about his health.
The fact that this influenced your own spending is not unbelievable.
I can well understand your hurt and upset.

If you cannot believe what your own parents volunteer to you, who can you believe?

There is something equally distasteful in parents loudly promising money to an adult child, and it never materialising.

Fortunately it was just consistent with my fathers arsehole behaviour and I never paid any attention to it.