Page 2 | AIBU to ask my 11-year-old to leave an overwhelming group chat?

Original poster

sycamoreoak · 09/08/2026 00:32

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 20:46

DD 11 in group chat (not WhatsApp) with 2 other friends and the amount of messaging is overwhelming. DD had 50+ messages in space of half an hour or so, and when she was in a summer holiday club last week - doing something she loves - she turned her phone on in the evening to messages asking why she wasn’t texting. It all feels like too much pressure to me so I have asked her to leave the chat - AIBU?

Thanks to the few of you who had something helpful to say. Unfortunately, the majority just made judgments either without reading the posts properly or having any awareness that they might not have all the necessary information. I am happy to listen to other viewpoints but would like a supported & evidenced argument. I was under the illusion that mumsnet was a helpful and supportive place but unfortunately it clearly isn’t. As such, I will no longer be posting.

OP posts:

Original poster

sycamoreoak · 09/08/2026 00:18

ApplePieCinamon · 09/08/2026 00:14

I have an almost 11 yo and NONE of their friends have a phone let alone group chats! Take it away and let her be a child.

Neither did my daughter at almost 11. That was a year ago for her.

OP posts:

ApplePieCinamon · 09/08/2026 00:14

I have an almost 11 yo and NONE of their friends have a phone let alone group chats! Take it away and let her be a child.

Original poster

sycamoreoak · 09/08/2026 00:12

HaveCreditWillShop · 09/08/2026 00:03

“Oh she needs it because she walks home from school/after dance class” sorry but she doesn’t.
she pestered you for a phone because all her friends have one and you gave in because you didn’t want her to be the only one without a phone and you didn’t put your foot down - or some spin version of this.

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But you’ve proved yourself to be judgmental again 😂

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Original poster

sycamoreoak · 09/08/2026 00:08

HaveCreditWillShop · 09/08/2026 00:03

“Oh she needs it because she walks home from school/after dance class” sorry but she doesn’t.
she pestered you for a phone because all her friends have one and you gave in because you didn’t want her to be the only one without a phone and you didn’t put your foot down - or some spin version of this.

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No.

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HaveCreditWillShop · 09/08/2026 00:03

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 21:45

That’s a HUGE assumption about my parenting. You don’t know the reason my child has a phone and I would have hoped from my post that you would realise I’m not a lazy/uncaring parent. I know I’m not!
I’m not online that much and clearly naive about how judgmental people can be! You’ve certainly made it clear on that point!

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“Oh she needs it because she walks home from school/after dance class” sorry but she doesn’t.
she pestered you for a phone because all her friends have one and you gave in because you didn’t want her to be the only one without a phone and you didn’t put your foot down - or some spin version of this.

Original poster

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 22:58

Willowskyblue · 08/08/2026 22:40

Wake up OP - your child is a child, aged 11, and at that age is WAY out of their depth emotionally to deal with group chats. As a parent you’re being anything but sensible by allowing it to happen in the first place. If you’re not going to protect her properly, prepare for a lot worse than this in the future.

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You clearly haven’t read my messages in addition to making a lot of assumptions! I have clearly said that she is no longer in the text message group with her friends. One thing my daughter is being taught is to read properly what other people have put and think before she types messages. I honestly don’t know how someone who doesn’t know me can accuse me of not protecting my daughter. Her phone is locked down and restricted, she has no access to social media/whatsapp, we regularly talk and she knows she can come and chat to me about anything - this happened this evening saying that her 2 friends had sent her a lot of text messages.
A lot of people on here have been helpful and kind. You seem only to want to judge. If you were trying to be helpful, then you need to re-think your approach.

OP posts:

Willowskyblue · 08/08/2026 22:40

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 21:09

My child is extremely sensible about these things. Unfortunately, other children aren’t as mature, and their parents don’t check their phones - a bad combination!

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Wake up OP - your child is a child, aged 11, and at that age is WAY out of their depth emotionally to deal with group chats. As a parent you’re being anything but sensible by allowing it to happen in the first place. If you’re not going to protect her properly, prepare for a lot worse than this in the future.

Original poster

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 22:26

SisSuffragette · 08/08/2026 21:46

YABU to ask her. You tell her it's not good for her and she needs to leave the chat and if possible delete the app she is using to access the chat.

As per my previous posts, she is not using any app/chat function!! Just the normal text message functionality!

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Original poster

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 22:11

Nousernameideaaga · 08/08/2026 22:05

Honestly I would give up on this thread as most of the posters don’t seem
able to read 🤣

No YANBU and it’s great that your daughter responded positively to the boundaries that YOU set her.

All the “why do they need a phone blah blah blah blah “ comments - these people need to wake the fuck up. This is the world we live in now. For better or worse. Definitely worse, I absolutely hate it.

Sounds like you are doing a great job! 👍

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Thank you for your lovely comments ❤️
I was just thinking the same about giving up on this post!!
Have a lovely evening!

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likelysuspect · 08/08/2026 22:08

Simonjt · 08/08/2026 21:34

Our eleven year old needs a phone as he has a severe hearing impairment, without it his hearing aids have very very limited functionality. Apologies for being lazy and meeting his medical and sensory needs.

I can’t find any phone on google that doesn’t have the ability to text.

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Oh FGS stop being so bloody self righteous, the poster is clearly talking generally, you dont have to take things so personally

likelysuspect · 08/08/2026 22:07

11 years old???

Take the phone off her

Nousernameideaaga · 08/08/2026 22:05

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 21:55

It’s not WhatsApp! Her time on her phone is restricted - when she checked her messages there were 51 - all sent within a 30 min timeframe

Honestly I would give up on this thread as most of the posters don’t seem
able to read 🤣

No YANBU and it’s great that your daughter responded positively to the boundaries that YOU set her.

All the “why do they need a phone blah blah blah blah “ comments - these people need to wake the fuck up. This is the world we live in now. For better or worse. Definitely worse, I absolutely hate it.

Sounds like you are doing a great job! 👍

WerewolfOfLoudon · 08/08/2026 22:03

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 21:55

It’s not WhatsApp! Her time on her phone is restricted - when she checked her messages there were 51 - all sent within a 30 min timeframe

If she hadn't been at an activity, would she have been replying?

WerewolfOfLoudon · 08/08/2026 22:00

Simonjt · 08/08/2026 21:28

Are there any mobile phones that don’t have the ability to text?

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Mobile phones have had the texting ability since 1993 so it would be a relic without it.

Original poster

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 21:55

It’s not WhatsApp! Her time on her phone is restricted - when she checked her messages there were 51 - all sent within a 30 min timeframe

OP posts:

WerewolfOfLoudon · 08/08/2026 21:53

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 08/08/2026 21:01

I wish my mum would take my phone away!

🤣 Some days I wish I could use the excuse of "I can't go, my dad says I'm grounded"!

@sycamoreoak Your DDs friends sound pretty mean. Hopefully removing her from group chats will stop the harassment but if not, you may need to restrict phone access. It is not you that is a lazy parent, it isn't your child constantly texting all day at 11.

Shatenoeuf · 08/08/2026 21:52

I always wonder who is letting their 11 year olds have do much phone access..in RL everyone i know locks their kids phones diwn with family link & they only get about 15 mins whatsapp a day.

EmeraldRoulette · 08/08/2026 21:49

Check the settings
Maybe you can set it up so that no one can add you to a group without you giving permission

Original poster

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 21:46

BusyDog · 08/08/2026 21:39

YABU to ask her. Just tell her she’s not allowed in the group chat, or in any group chats.
It is so much better for children to just grumble ‘urgh my mums so strict’ to their friends, than the consequences of actually being in group chats etc!!

i did tell rather than ask. I know original post said ask.

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SisSuffragette · 08/08/2026 21:46

YABU to ask her. You tell her it's not good for her and she needs to leave the chat and if possible delete the app she is using to access the chat.

Original poster

sycamoreoak · 08/08/2026 21:45

HaveCreditWillShop · 08/08/2026 21:31

Yea - google it! Why does an 11 year old need any phone anyway?! Cop out from lazy parents who just give in

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That’s a HUGE assumption about my parenting. You don’t know the reason my child has a phone and I would have hoped from my post that you would realise I’m not a lazy/uncaring parent. I know I’m not!
I’m not online that much and clearly naive about how judgmental people can be! You’ve certainly made it clear on that point!

OP posts:

Coco852 · 08/08/2026 21:44

Mine decided to put her phone on do not disturb permanently as she found it too overwhelming. So she has a look when she feels like it.

rainbowunicorn · 08/08/2026 21:44

HaveCreditWillShop · 08/08/2026 21:26

Problem here is you. If you’re daft enough to give her a phone and set her up with some sort of chat, that’s 100% on you. My son is about to start year 6. Smart phones are banned at my school thank god. This is a you problem.

Why do you assume its a smart phone?

purpleme12 · 08/08/2026 21:40

Sorry I must have skim read and thought it was WhatsApp!

All my child's friends use WhatsApp to group chat so we don't have this problem anymore!