AIBU to ask my 11-year-old to leave an overwhelming group chat?

Utterly ridiculous isn’t it.

Don’t worry OP there are some normal rational people in the world still ☺️

I think this might take the prize for one of the most unecessarily sanctimonious and judgemental threads on MN ever.
@sycamoreoak 's DD is in a small text chat with a couple of other 11 year olds. She has a non-smart phone that is regularly monitored. She feels a bit upset because there were multiple messages whilst she is out including ones asking why she wasn't responding.
Mum & DD chat about it - evidence of a supportive open relationship. It is agreed it is best to leave the group chat. Seems sensible as it is causing some upset.
Loads of messages from posters like 'tell her dont ask her' 'be the adult', 'why has she go whatsapp' (she hasnt) etc.etc.
Rather than being supportive or constructive some people seem to like to just sit in judgement.

YABU because she is 11 so you should be telling not asking.

& I wasnt checking every message in Y7. I understand some may think that makes me a bad parent. We agreed I could and would look if I thought it was needed, but i wasnt reading every message on a daily basis. I emphasised how important it was to speak to me if anything was concerning her. We could then discuss things and resolve issues together. To me there has to be oversight, but there also has to be an element of trust and responsibility.

I genuinely wonder how parents whose secondary age child does not have a phone or just has a non-smart phone plan to move forward. Assuming that they want their child to eventually have a smart phone how are they moving towards that. What age is considered appropriate?
Maybe there are different social landscapes in different areas or things are changing, but
DD would have been very left out without whatsapp in Y7 and 8. She wasnt interested in big group chats (left or muted), but it was used regularly (& i'd say responsibly) amongst small groups of close friends. Just general chit chat and aranging meet ups etc. Even children who had very strict parents had a smart phone in Y7. The school uses class charts and the expectation is that students can access it at home for timetables, announcements, homework, team lists etc. It wouldnt need to be a smart phone, but you would need an internet enabled device.

I already apologized - maybe you should read my post and get off your high horse?

No group chats at that age. Plus if so many messages are coming through how can be checking them for safety? It would take ages to read them all. Tbh it doesn't sound like you have enough control over the phone if you're asking her to leave. I'd be telling, and explaining my reasons why. Like another poster said, she can always say my mum made me and blame it on you.

Yup, I’m very anti tech for kids, have an 11 year old with no kind of phone or device yet and still think this thread is a bit ridiculous, some posters are being really unfair to the OP and are desperate to have a snipe without bothering to read. We all have to live in the world that we’ve been left with, even if we are simultaneously trying to change things for the better.

Good to hear what others have done in this scenario though (and how common it is).

Why has she even got the app??!!! Parent her and delete it and take the phone off her too while you’re at it!!

FFS read the post before you get on your high horse

It depends what you mean by okay @likelysuspect . I didnt allow my DD to have a phone for safety. She didnt need it. It was for practicality (homework apps, timetables etc.) and to keep in contact with friends. It enabled her to maintain & strengthen social connections.

There were hiccups along the way, but no major issues. At the start there was a lot of parental oversight. That reduces as he grows older. Every family makes different decisions, which I respect. For our family the positives have outweighed the negatives.

Something being normalised, does not mean its healthy and ok. Surely people know this?

Some of the class WhatsApp groups can have 900 messages a day. Imagine trying to concentrate on anything when your phone is pinging 900 times a day. (My kids don’t have smart phones).

This thread illustrates that the MN demographic (or at least the people posting on this thread) is very different from the one i live in. DD is i Y9 now (going in to Y10) and in Y7 she had a smartphone and whatsapp like 99.9% of her peers. We had guidelines and restrictions, but with parental support she learnt to manage her phone use.
I have no idea why the OP is getting a hard time. She seems an involved parent and quite conservative in terms of phone use/restrictions. @sycamoreoak as far as i can see you are being sensible and supportive. In the world i inhabit it is totally usual for kids starting secondary to have a phone.

I think some posters have given OP a fairly hard time.
OP doesn’t allow WhatsApp/ any other social media. If she’s 11, she’ll either be about to start year 7. Or perhaps even year 8 if she’s turning 12 over summer holidays!!
It’s very normal for her kids to have phone at this point.
Honestly, a lot of parents allow their kids WhatsApp from the get-go. And for some social media too….. (thank goodness it’ll be banned for under 16s from Spring). OP makes sure daughter has phone free time to properly enjoy activities, you’ll find lots of kids with phones during activities and therefore not properly enjoying. I really don’t get why OP has been given such a hard time!

AIBU = Yes you are
OP = Im not posting anymore

I would, we had the same thing with our two teens at this age and both voluntarily chose to come off by themselves- they can mute the chats without ‘leaving’ if they have FOMO!

i think it is a novelty thing at the age as has not really been an issue as they get older, or maybe they decide not to get involved more since then!

My dc has all chats muted and doesn’t reply except in screen time and even then not very assiduously. If there was any complaining about that from other children in any chat then they would be taken off that chat by me. This has worked for us so far.

You may not like what I’m saying but I’m qualified to comment as I work in a secondary school and deal with the fall out of the huge issue of phone use by children who are, frankly, too young to have them. Our biggest issues are always with the younger children (and many occur outside of school). Your child doesn’t need a phone for messaging or anything yet she still has it and you’ve already experienced an issue.
Trust me, all the issues I’ve witnessed involve parents who said my child is sensible, my child’s phone is monitored and locked down etc etc.and from lovely open families. Most parents don’t have a clue of the various things their child was involved in despite saying they monitored the phone. This only escalates at secondary school.
You’ve allowed a Pandora’s box to open and your child has developed a dependence (whether you recognise it or not) on the phone to communicate and it is a massive distraction for an emotionally immature young person.
You don’t like what I’m saying but it is based on fact and a lot of first hand experience.I get frustrated when a parent thinks they know better than all the research that has been carried out.

No, mine didn’t have one at almost 11 either. But now she’s 11, almost 12 and has a phone because she gets a 45 min bus to school and back and needs to be able to contact me if there are any issues.
She’s still allowed to be a child though.