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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take step kids on my holiday?

213 replies

Westcountrygal · Yesterday 19:04

Were we unreasonable to go on holiday without my step kids?

My husband has got two kids from a previous marriage, they are 10 and 12.

My family invited my husband and me to a trip across the USA to visit relatives and we had a great time. The weather was great and we did lots of activities. When we came back however, and my husband told the kids about the trip, they in turn told their mum and she kicked off royally, screaming that he neglected them, spent all his money on himself and nothing on them, and that they should have come in the trip.

That obviously was never going to happen- it was my family who lives in America and my family who paid for this and it was during term time anyways. I do agree that he shouldn’t have told them about it and shown them the great things that we did but surely it’s not normal for the mum to expect them to go on MY family’s trip?

OP posts:
nomas · Yesterday 19:06

YANBU. Sounds like it was a child free trip to see your family, not DH’s, so ex should wind her neck in.

Gardenisablooming · Yesterday 19:06

Beware of the posters who will rant at you that yabu because they are faaaamily a la Peggy Mitchel style.

Hope you had a fab trip op.

WaneyEdge · Yesterday 19:07

YANBU, but I hope you’ve got your hard hat on…

outerspacepotato · Yesterday 19:08

Your family paid and you went to visit your family.

Your husband's kids are not your family's relations. Do they even know them?

Massive entitlement on their mom's part.

IHaveTraumaFromAlfredHitchcocksTheBirds · Yesterday 19:10

Your husband shouldn't have said anything, she probably had 2 upset kids coming home to her and ranted to you before getting all the details.

ShetlandishMum · Yesterday 19:10

Sounds fine to me. It wasn't their holiday. Not their family.
Step children and their mum sound like spoilt brats.

Iftheskywasbkue · Yesterday 19:11

I agree with you, although I hope your DH also takes his DC on holiday.

I was a step child and my DF would go on holiday 1-2 times a year to visit Step-mothers family (by plane so not a drive away) without me and I wasn’t remotely bothered, as I recognised it was her family not mine. Her family were lovely to me but I knew that were just DSM’s family and not related to me (yes, I had also visited them a few times).

However, on MN step-families should be glued at the hip so put your hard hat on.

Boreded · Yesterday 19:11

Do you have kids together? If you do and took them this one is pure rage bait..

if not then what’s the issue

Scarlettpixie · Yesterday 19:12

He just needs to tell first the kids and then their mum that it was a trip to see your family paid by them. If she thinks he has paid for a trip to the US without his kids I can see why she may object. Depends what he pays and what hols he takes them on though.

MyLeftArmpit · Yesterday 19:12

YANBU. We get used to get this from the ex so we ignored her.

youalright · Yesterday 19:13

I think its absolutely fine to have a couples holiday but the my family speak when you're married do you not see the kids as part of your family

SpottyPyjama · Yesterday 19:14

You were fine to go, but your DH shouldn’t be going on fancy trips if he cant provide a holiday for his kids, regardless of who paid for it.

It is unlikely that he spent absolutely nothing on this holiday. He’s either a selfish parent or a terrible guest.

BirthdayGiftsForTheDog · Yesterday 19:15

Your family paid and the kids are nothing to do with them so YANBU.

I think a responsible parent would tell the other parent and kids that he is going out of the country in advance though in case there was an emergency with the children. Thats just basic courtesy.

Thats all presuming he pays for his children, has them a fair amount of time etc.

Leave it to your husband to sort out any issues, they’re his kids not yours.

Error404FucksNotFound · Yesterday 19:15

Well, its happened now so nothing can be done about it

Perhaps he should take his children away so they can spend some time together.

ToKittyornottoKitty · Yesterday 19:16

YANBU, he should take his kids on holiday but it doesn’t have to be your holiday to see your family

knottywig · Yesterday 19:16

This is funny, comes on the back of another poster leaving her step kids 6yr and 8yr old at home whilst they took their kids 2yr and 4yr to Disney!

WallaceinAnderland · Yesterday 19:16

I do agree that he shouldn’t have told them about it and shown them the great things that we did

I disagree. There is nothing wrong with him sharing his experiences. It's normal and might foster an interest in travel for his own children when they are older.

Does he take them away during school holidays?

TunnocksOrDeath · Yesterday 19:17

Your mistake was waiting till you were home before mentioning it.
"We've got to and visit Westcountrygal's family for a few days, they're paying because they miss her, what would you like us to bring back for you from America?" is a much better way to present this situation than "We've just been on a really great trip without you, come and admire the photos".

ToKittyornottoKitty · Yesterday 19:18

TunnocksOrDeath · Yesterday 19:17

Your mistake was waiting till you were home before mentioning it.
"We've got to and visit Westcountrygal's family for a few days, they're paying because they miss her, what would you like us to bring back for you from America?" is a much better way to present this situation than "We've just been on a really great trip without you, come and admire the photos".

*His mistake

TunnocksOrDeath · Yesterday 19:19

ToKittyornottoKitty · Yesterday 19:18

*His mistake

Show quote history

I meant yours in the plural form as they were both going, but yes, the children are more his responsibility.

GotMarriedInCornwall · Yesterday 19:20

SpottyPyjama · Yesterday 19:14

You were fine to go, but your DH shouldn’t be going on fancy trips if he cant provide a holiday for his kids, regardless of who paid for it.

It is unlikely that he spent absolutely nothing on this holiday. He’s either a selfish parent or a terrible guest.

What utter nonsense.
i might agree that he shouldn’t be paying for a fancy trip for himself if he can’t take his kids away (although only maybe because holidays aren’t some sort of entitlement, they’re a luxury), but it would be absolutely stupid for someone to say ‘oh no, sorry, I will have to turn down this free holiday because I’m not able to take my children away.’
What would be the logic?

nomas · Yesterday 19:21

knottywig · Yesterday 19:16

This is funny, comes on the back of another poster leaving her step kids 6yr and 8yr old at home whilst they took their kids 2yr and 4yr to Disney!

You conveniently fail to mention that the dad took his older kids to Disney last year without his younger kids, so they could enjoy age appropriate rides.

NearlyNewNonny · Yesterday 19:22

How often does your DH even see them if they didnt notice he wasn't home for three weeks?

Original poster
Westcountrygal · Yesterday 19:24

To answer a few questions, no we do not have children together. He also takes them on holidays, but I do not attend those. They like doing different things to me, and it’s good for them to bond just the three of them.

I only mentioned MY family because they are distant relations and have never met the kids. They hadn’t even met my husband before this trip.

Thanks to the poster mentioning about sharing experiences and that he should talk about those things- I guess otherwise the kids would know nothing about their dad and his life and what he does.

The poster mentioning about the other thread relating to holidays- well it kinda is holiday season now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Westcountrygal · Yesterday 19:26

GotMarriedInCornwall · Yesterday 19:20

What utter nonsense.
i might agree that he shouldn’t be paying for a fancy trip for himself if he can’t take his kids away (although only maybe because holidays aren’t some sort of entitlement, they’re a luxury), but it would be absolutely stupid for someone to say ‘oh no, sorry, I will have to turn down this free holiday because I’m not able to take my children away.’
What would be the logic?

Show quote history

He can and does take them on holidays, just not that particular one. It’s just that I guess a three week trip across the USA is seen as quite desirable? We were only able to do it because accommodation and transport were paid for us.

OP posts: