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Whats the point of consent and asking permission if you get lied to

631 replies

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 17:52

Whats the point of consent and permission ? friends meal and they cover the cost, they said here is x amount get what you want, so permission is asked what the limit is eg £20 and i can get whatever food / takeaway with it, the yes permission is given that i can buy what i want within the budget.

turns out a day or two after wards a sarcastic comment was made because i had 2 jacket potatoes with different toppings, so i said why is that an issue and it turns out that they still thought id get one instead of two ,

so i said i asked permission of what the budget was and i did ask what i could get then all i got was oh id still thought you would get 1 so i said why then say i can get x why not just say and be honest.

i guess this is more me moaning but why do people do this, say yes to x then they actually want you do to x instead its like why ?

before anyone asks we usually do a weekly meal out, and no they are fairly wealthy

OP posts:
ShetlandishMum · Yesterday 19:18

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 19:17

because they want to play host

Doesn't mean you can't pay your own food.

MatriarchCaz · Yesterday 19:18

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 19:04

i offer but get told my treat etc

Don't you ever insist? Her stressing over 2 potatoes is weird, but I find it more odd you don't insist on paying some times..

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 19:18

WheezyMeaty · Yesterday 19:17

My question really was why are you allowing them to pay every week? It just opens you up to getting stupid comments like that. Preserve your dignity and self respect by not accepting their treats anymore and then you can order what you want without having to second guess what they mean.

I hate other people paying for me for this reason. I want to eat what I want but feel obligated to order something small and cheap ish. I'd rather pay myself and eat what I actually want.

Again why are you letting them pay for you every week?

because they choose and seem to want to

OP posts:
BeardySchnauzer · Yesterday 19:17

It doesn’t sound like you like this person very much tbh

are they family rather than a friend?

WheezyMeaty · Yesterday 19:17

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 18:58

fair points, i guess they just like the social aspects of saying they brought dinner etc

My question really was why are you allowing them to pay every week? It just opens you up to getting stupid comments like that. Preserve your dignity and self respect by not accepting their treats anymore and then you can order what you want without having to second guess what they mean.

I hate other people paying for me for this reason. I want to eat what I want but feel obligated to order something small and cheap ish. I'd rather pay myself and eat what I actually want.

Again why are you letting them pay for you every week?

ShetlandishMum · Yesterday 19:17

KrazyKatty · Yesterday 19:15

But then the friend wouldn’t get to crow over the OP and make out that the OP is at fault. The OP has done her best to stick to the bizarre rules that the friend created, but deliberately didn’t bother communicating clearly.

We know this is deliberate on the friend’s part because this isn’t the first time it has happened.

All these childish idiots with their stupid made up rules, clearly wishing to ‘catch you out’, because they think they’re superior when in reality, you’re probably a million times more intelligent than they are. (Sarah X, I’m looking at you!!)

I’m older, autistic and give zero fucks these days.

I’d refuse to let them have their pathetic fun and I’ll willingly take the piss every single time, buying tons of food that comes to £19.99.

Hopefully, the friend will eventually cave and behave like a grown up and stop setting traps for you to fall into. Or just ditch her.

Or you could pay your own food?

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 19:17

TheWorthyNewt · Yesterday 19:16

So you have a catch-up once a week and expect your friend to pay for the meal? Why don't you take turn about paying?

because they want to play host

OP posts:
TheWorthyNewt · Yesterday 19:16

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 17:52

Whats the point of consent and permission ? friends meal and they cover the cost, they said here is x amount get what you want, so permission is asked what the limit is eg £20 and i can get whatever food / takeaway with it, the yes permission is given that i can buy what i want within the budget.

turns out a day or two after wards a sarcastic comment was made because i had 2 jacket potatoes with different toppings, so i said why is that an issue and it turns out that they still thought id get one instead of two ,

so i said i asked permission of what the budget was and i did ask what i could get then all i got was oh id still thought you would get 1 so i said why then say i can get x why not just say and be honest.

i guess this is more me moaning but why do people do this, say yes to x then they actually want you do to x instead its like why ?

before anyone asks we usually do a weekly meal out, and no they are fairly wealthy

So you have a catch-up once a week and expect your friend to pay for the meal? Why don't you take turn about paying?

Uricon2 · Yesterday 19:15

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 18:02

but if its offered then why say x

Do you ever pay for them?

KrazyKatty · Yesterday 19:15

KilkennyCats · Yesterday 19:02

No, the correct response was to actually offer to pay yourself once in a while.

But then the friend wouldn’t get to crow over the OP and make out that the OP is at fault. The OP has done her best to stick to the bizarre rules that the friend created, but deliberately didn’t bother communicating clearly.

We know this is deliberate on the friend’s part because this isn’t the first time it has happened.

All these childish idiots with their stupid made up rules, clearly wishing to ‘catch you out’, because they think they’re superior when in reality, you’re probably a million times more intelligent than they are. (Sarah X, I’m looking at you!!)

I’m older, autistic and give zero fucks these days.

I’d refuse to let them have their pathetic fun and I’ll willingly take the piss every single time, buying tons of food that comes to £19.99.

Hopefully, the friend will eventually cave and behave like a grown up and stop setting traps for you to fall into. Or just ditch her.

Brawsome · Yesterday 19:15

Millytante · Yesterday 19:09

It seems clear to me that some people are rude, or ignorant, or bloody selfish. Often all three.

Are you describing most of the posters on this thread? 🤔

category12 · Yesterday 19:15

If you like black and white rules for interacting with people, how about this:

if you're friends with someone, you take turns to pay (even if they say "my treat" when it's not their turn).

Thecomfortador · Yesterday 19:12

WildLeader · Yesterday 19:00

You’re a greedy CF @MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe

they’ve had words before about your consumption and you still don’t check yourself

But why is the friend still insistent on paying for lunch for her? Talk about mixed messages.

I agree with you OP, if I say have what you want say within £20 I'm not going to grumble about what you order. I would also let you pay next time, or just say let's pay for our own food, I d think it's odd that your friend keeps insisting on paying. That would make me uncomfortable each week. But I stay out of socialising as much as possible so I don't have to navigate this kind of crap. Works for me!

Raindropskeepfallingon · Yesterday 19:10

ImmortalSnowman · Yesterday 18:22

It wasn't cryptic. You were rude asking how much they were spending on you and then even more rude to order two meals.

Why is everyone blaming autism? How insulting. Being an autistic adult doesn't make someone greedy.

I’m not “blaming autism” or suggesting autism equates to being greedy, I’m suggesting one explanation for OPs frustration is because they take things very literally and have completely missed NT social cues and etiquette. There’s a lot of flags going up for me, as someone who knows a lot of autistic people, that perhaps this is a person who is trying to do the right thing and is frustrated they’re not succeeding. Piling on calling OP unkind, greedy, a chancer etc is not helpful in that situation. Honestly I think friend, presumably knowing OP well, ought to have realised OP needs direct, literal instructions (which most NT people would find rude) and should either give those instructions or just tolerate buying two cheap potatoes instead of one more expensive meal. Or ideally suggest they each buy their own.

Whether it’s reasonable or greedy to eat two potatoes is missing the point.

Millytante · Yesterday 19:09

murasaki · Yesterday 19:00

A lot of human interaction is second guessing. And etiquette. You've not admitted an autism diagnosis but it seems clear to me.

Offer to pay for the next meal.

It seems clear to me that some people are rude, or ignorant, or bloody selfish. Often all three.

katepilar · Yesterday 19:09

dancehysterical22 · Yesterday 18:22

Exactly. Why on Earth order two jacket potatoes for lunch?

To actually fill you up?

MissCooCooMcgoo · Yesterday 19:09

Oh my god op you disgusting greedy pig, I have one small new potato and a teaspoon of beans and I have leftovers for lunch the next day!

You must be the size of a house!

(This is sarcasm)

kirstyd123 · Yesterday 19:09

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PeachesSansCream · Yesterday 19:09

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Yesterday 19:01

A jacket potato was £3.50, × 2 =£7

OP'S friend had £12 fish and chips.

So OP did order a cheap meal.

I don't understand what the friend's problem is.

There’s no way a jacket potato with toppings cost £3.50 each, I think the OP means they were £7 each so £14 total.

what aren’t you answering about offering to pay for their meal next time?!

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Yesterday 19:08

AndImVictoriaMalcolm · Yesterday 18:53

Would you have ordered 2 dinners at once if you were paying? Would you have turned a hair if they’d ordered 2 dinners and you were paying?

If I was paying for dinner and someone ordered 2 mains I’d be Hmm I think most people would be.

OP has answered these questions- yes she would, and no she wouldn't.

Her two small jacket potatoes were £7. Her friend's fish and chips was £12.

DeterminedRat · Yesterday 19:08

Is it not just a case of you did something highly unusual and the person you were with noticed and then remarked on it to friends? I dont think that I have ever been in that situation where someone I'm with has ordered 2 mains.

You said that it wasn't the money they commented on, it was the 2 dinners, so maybe the friend was just sharing something strange that happened.

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 19:07

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charming

OP posts:
HideousKinky · Yesterday 19:07

I really think it's time you paid.
You will then find you don't have this problem

MrsOctaviaCharlotteSmythe · Yesterday 19:07

bettyrubble99 · Yesterday 19:06

I'm probably the only one who gets what you mean OP

You asked how much you had to order with
Friend told you £20
You ordered 2 jacket potatoes & your friend was a bit snarky that you ordered two things rather than just one even though you didn't go over the budget but may have found it uncouth you ordered two dinners rather than just one.

Hope i made sense x

yes thanks

OP posts:
kirstyd123 · Yesterday 19:07

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