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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to leave for the day and not lend the family car

43 replies

Sally221 · Today 09:33

I will try and keep this brief.

Have suffered years of emotional abuse from H.
He has a huge family and whenever they have visited over the years we have always hosted. One because PIL house, although huge is a tip and two because BIL point blank refuses to host.
It has got to the point in our relationship that we both know it's over and need to sort out the divorce.

He informed me that a family member and their children are visiting briefly today, just for a few hours. I told him that I will go to my mums for the day as I'm sick of hosting and also sick of pretending we are a happy family. PIL will also be here and we don't get on.

My DD has had problems with her car that I have been asking H to sort out. The a/c doesn't work and H has been putting off getting it fixed. Said it is quite expensive although he has money to spend on the pub!

I spent the whole day yesterday cleaning, he rolls home late, obviously been to the pub for a fair few hours. He then says are you taking DD car when you go to your mums? Apparently he has agreed to drop family member and children to a local attraction after their visit. About 40 mins away. My mum lives an hour away. I said but DD doesn't have A/c had a few cross words.

Anyway my DS thinks I should take DD car and leave bigger family car with H. FIL very wealthy and could afford an uber to take family member.
I don't want to cause friction with DS though.

I would appreciate your thoughts, thank you.

OP posts:
drspouse · Today 09:35

How were the family member and children planning to get there before he offered?

UndoRedo · Today 09:36

Take your own car. But you are being unreasonable with not just getting her AC sorted yourself. It's a call to the mechanics and about £70 for a regas. Not a big deal, or she does it. When you separate you'll have to pick up all the jobs, not defer to a man

TheCurious0range · Today 09:37

It's not even going to be that hot today 23 ish so windows will just have to be used. As to whether YABU how many in the car going to your mum's and how many in the car to the attraction. That's what would decide it for me. It does sound like you're making a point because you expect him to get DDs car fixed, as an adult who drives why can't she book it in?

ghostyslovesheets · Today 09:37

I’d take the family car because I’m petty!

but your DD needs to sort out fixing her own car - that’s part of driving and owning a car.

Sparrowsandbudgies · Today 09:37

What difference does it make if he uses the family car or dds car? I don’t really understand.

Why is either of you paying to fix - I presume - another adults car anyway? Dd should be sorting it.

He’s clearly an arse but you are still doing stuff for him - cleaning the house, living around him etc - what are you doing about finding your own places?

Floatlikeafeather2 · Today 09:47

Not quite the point but assuming A/c is air conditioning, since when does that make a car undriveable? If your daughter is old enough to own a car, she's old enough to get it dealt with herself. The car isn't dangerous to drive. Having said that, if the "family car" is actually your car, take that. If it's jointly owned, fuelled, taxed and insured then I do think you would be unreasonable to prevent your husband using it out of spite, especially as you do have an alternative. Let him know you're being magnanimous though. 😊

Sally221 · Today 09:53

I know it's really DD responsibility but she is a student and very little money.
He also likes to come across as Daddy will sort it for you darling, which is why I didn't step in and sort it.
Her car is alot smaller, think VW Polo size to our car which is much bigger ( with working AC!)
Yes, I guess I am trying to make a point and being petty as I've had years and years of hosting his extended family.
More importantly him and his B should sort out PIL house so that family can visit!

Anyway rant over I will suffer and take DD car, thanks for the feedback.

OP posts:
Sally221 · Today 09:54

He also has history of dropping things on me last minute. I would have arranged something else if I knew I didn't have use of our car.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · Today 09:56

You spent the day tidying but you won’t even be there? Fgs, stop being a doormat! And take your dd’s car to Kwikfit-I booked the night before and they re-gassed it in 30 minutes. Why not just fix it?

edwinbear · Today 09:58

Your DH sounds like an arse, but refusing to drive a car because there’s no air con sounds a bit extreme? I’m assuming the car is still perfectly safe, so I’d just take that to avoid (another) argument. My air con needs recharging, it’s about £70 I think and I will get round to it, but it’s not top of my list of priorities.

ExtraOnions · Today 09:58

I hope, should my relationship ever dive to this level of pettiness, I will have the good sense to move on. I genuinely have no idea how people live like this.

gabsbrby · Today 10:01

Take your family car; if he thinks it’s no issue for you to drive it or your DD drive it then it should be no issue for him to drive it

JudgeJ · Today 10:03

ghostyslovesheets · Today 09:37

I’d take the family car because I’m petty!

but your DD needs to sort out fixing her own car - that’s part of driving and owning a car.

In this heatwave I have had the aircon running twice, much prefer to open a window! If the DD is old enough to own a car then she should be dealing with this simple problem though, why is it her Dad's responsibility?

backformoreofthesame · Today 10:04

gabsbrby · Today 10:01

Take your family car; if he thinks it’s no issue for you to drive it or your DD drive it then it should be no issue for him to drive it

Exactly

Tel12 · Today 10:05

Take your car. If DD is old enough to drive then she's old enough to sort the Aircon out.

jeaux90 · Today 10:07

OP get the divorce started and stop deference to him. Just get shit done.

Minokee · Today 10:08

I wouldn’t have done all that cleaning for a start but I would take the smaller car for an easy life.

it’s over anyway as you say.

Owly11 · Today 10:11

So you have two cars at your disposal- the family car and dd's car? Both are driveable but one doesn't have ac and the family car is bigger. If dd is happy and you are insured to drive it, of course you should take DD's car as there will be only you in it, whereas there will be quite a lot of people in the other car. The idea of trying to stop your dh give his family a lift and insist they take a taxi when you have two cars available is ridiculous. As for the a/c not sure why this is your dh's job. Dd needs to sort it. It's not going to be hot today so it should be fine anyway.

Sally221 · Today 10:11

ExtraOnions · Today 09:58

I hope, should my relationship ever dive to this level of pettiness, I will have the good sense to move on. I genuinely have no idea how people live like this.

Thanks for that, really helpful, thanks

OP posts:
BeSharpHelper · Today 10:13

sort of relevant but maybe not. If it’s not just a re-gas issue , it can be expensive my dd has been quoted £800 to sort hers and roughly the same for ours . We haven’t had aircon for about 4 years because of this.

Sally221 · Today 10:14

Do T mean to drip feed but she did have problems with her car a few weeks ago. H took it to his mate to check it out who said nothing wrong. It then overheated and the radiator was dry.
He did put fluid in it and seems ok.

Its not just about the AC, our car is just more comfortable.

OP posts:
Cardhey · Today 10:14

Why would you give up the decent car!!

Ethelspagetti · Today 10:16

I would actually take my car because I’m used to it and prefer it over driving other people’s. I’m not sure why you have to take your daughters?! Their problem is not your problem.

Sally221 · Today 10:22

Ethelspagetti · Today 10:16

I would actually take my car because I’m used to it and prefer it over driving other people’s. I’m not sure why you have to take your daughters?! Their problem is not your problem.

Thank you, yes our car is more comfortable. But there is one of me and four of them. They are however getting a free lift. I am not close to these family members, haven't seen them in around 13 years. And yes the pettiness my marriage has become is why should I?

OP posts:
Ethelspagetti · Today 10:24

Sally221 · Today 10:22

Thank you, yes our car is more comfortable. But there is one of me and four of them. They are however getting a free lift. I am not close to these family members, haven't seen them in around 13 years. And yes the pettiness my marriage has become is why should I?

That is not your problem because you did not invite them! They want to visit so can make their way to your place!