Friend and Daughter Issues

where does a 4yr old learn to spit at other people?
If this happened to me, the friendship would prob end soon.

This can't be real. But just in case. So you let another child hit and spit at your child because the morher is mentallly ill? If this happens again you tell the child to stop hurting your child in a firm positive way no silly talk like 'we only use gentle hands and kind words'

I would meet up once more but at the first sign of hitting or spitting from the friend's DD you need to speak up. Loudly. "Stop that. Spitting is disgusting." If the behaviour doesn't stop immediately you leave and don't arrange any more meet ups with the girls. Don't faff around with phrases like "the girls aren't getting along at the moment". The issue is that your friend is not stopping her DD from behaving deplorably.

Your daughter has put up with this bullying from this kid for long enough. Her self esteem is on the floor from being bullied at school and her own mum is doing bugger all about it.

You are raising your daughter to be a doormat.

I can’t believe your post is real.

Your friend needs to be told bluntly why you can’t see her anymore.

Never mind "No thank you", "Stop that!", said by you in a very firm sharp tone is called for along with you taking the hula hoop or whatever from the child. Whatever are you thinking g allowing this behaviour to continue? You need to stand up for your daughter.

HRTFT. YABU unreasonable in not protecting your DD, that's where your loyalty should lie.

You are not being fair to your daughter. You’re actually allowing her to be bullied by this girl! I had a friend whose daughter wasn’t nice to mine. One day she told me that she never wanted to see them again. So I stopped meeting them because my kids come first. You should never prioritise someone else’s mental health and safety over your own child’s. I have not seen that friend again and that’s okay because my children are happy and know that I have their back. Your friend needs to understand her child is behaving badly and it’s made your child not want to meet up anymore.

SPITS at her?!! To be honest if one of my kids got spat at I think they would punch whoever did it and I can’t say I’d be that angry with them.

Now is a good time for you to teach your daughter boundaries OP and have a good think about yours at the same time.

This. I’m almost forty years old and I still remember the utter terror of family visits with some of my parents friends. Their son was out of control, bullying and hitting me. I hated and dreaded those visits and I’m still upset that none of the parents did anything about it.

Meet up with your friend without the children.

Your DD is being bullied and mistreated. You need to prevent this from happening. Your friend’s daughter is no friend to your DD.

You can explain to your friend gently and kindly why the weekend meet ups have to stop. If you lose a friendship over it, better that than your DD losing faith in you. But I suspect you won’t lose the friendship. It will just change.

And you can spend some 1:1 time with your DD at weekends helping to repair her self esteem.

Your daughter is your priority. Your friend has no boundaries in place for her daughter, and she's allowed to do and treat others as she pleases. Your friend may have MH issues but that's not an excuse to allow her child to run riot with no accountability.

You need to step back from the friendship. Your daughter has clearly told you that she's unhappy with your friend's daughter. I don't blame her either. If your friend asks then you have a choice: be honest regarding the reason or use the 4 year age gap as an excuse.

If you want to continue the friendship that's up to you, but it would need to be without the children's involvement. If that's not possible then, you need to step back from the friendship completely. Your friend's MH is not as important as your own child's well-being.

If my friend did nothing when her child tried to spit at me I would say to my friend "Are you seriously not going to do anything about this behaviour?" And if she didn't deal with it well enough then I would say "Sorry friend but we are going to have to leave, my dd and I cannot put up with this behaviour any longer"

I had this. My Mum used to take me to her friend's house sometimes, when she had to work during the school holidays. My Mum's friend had 3 boys...youngest a year younger than me, middle one was 2 years older and the elder one was 4 years older than me. The youngest and middle one were awful to me, constantly mean/hitting me. The eldest was that much older, so didn't participate often.

In the end, after keeping quiet, I told my Mum and immediately she stopped taking me there. She was upset that her friend's boys were so horrible towards me. I hated going, so was pleased. Another of my Mum's friend's looked after me then, who had a daughter a year older than me and a son 2 years younger, and they were nice.

I'm 51, and I still remember the dread I felt having to go to this woman's house and her boys.

YABU to expose DD to this, it’s horrible. Spitting!!!???

Tell friend you prefer to meet without the DC if you value the friendship. Just suggest cinema or drinks. Anything not child friendly.

Did you mean......"when your friend asks why, give a reply along the lines of "neither me nor my daughter are going to share airspace with your hitting, spitting and vile child""?

Wtf. Why on earth are you allowing another child to spit and hit your daughter. Sort out your priorities and tell your friend exactly why

I would say you actually aren't being a good friend. A good friend would say, you cannot allow your child to behave like this - it will cause huge issues if you let this continue. For your child's sake, you need to parent better. Because I won't allow my child to continue to suffer from this behaviour, so you will lose me as a friend unless you nip it in the bud.

And then you might offer to help model good parenting, but you would not stand for it anymore.

Sorry but spitting is vile and saying ‘no thank you’ is not going to cut it….
If one of my friends children spat at mine I would tell them in no uncertain terms that it was disgusting and that until they learnt to behave my child wouldn’t be seeing them again….
If you want to see your friend and support her mental health do it without dragging your poor daughter along too.
You are teaching her that she has to put up with behaviour and treatment that is totally unacceptable, regardless of the age gap.

My Son came home from nursery at the age of 3 and spat at me when I wouldn’t let him do something, I was absolutely horrified….. A child within the setting was a spitter, I was only told after approaching staff the next day to ask about it.
My child only tried to do it once, and never again. It’s definitely a learnt behaviour rather than something developmental like biting.

Just tell her from now on you'll meet without the kids as your dc is uncomfortable being spat at etc

Your DD's wellbeing should be your absolute priority. You can't let your child be bullied and physically hurt because you can't say no to your friend. Tell her exactly why you can't meet with her and her daughter any more.

Please stop putting your friend before your daughter
Do not see your friend when her child is around

No, I would definitely not be putting up with that bullshit! You owe it to your daughter to absolutely not putting up with this! I actually don't understand why you give it a moments thought. Absolutely, protect your child!