Friend and Daughter Issues

You don't support a friend to the detriment of your child.
Wtf is wrong with you?! Your DD and this other child don't get on okay.
You're letting your daughter be bullied and spat at.

YOUR DD's WELL BEING COMES FIRST - ALWAYS

"I feel like I’m allowing her to be bullied essentially by this child as she’s quite mean." - you are.

" i told my DD everytime she does something say “no thank you” etc" - why are you not supervising this? Saying No thank you isn't working.

I'd be telling the Friend. No thank you, and that the way her dd behaves and the friend's lack of supervision is unacceptable

I would have left when her kid spat on mine. 'no thank you' is for minor issues not serious physical bullying and pushing about. also - dragging her up when she has had enough of playing. not acceptable

Do you need to ask wow?
What would you advise a friend?

Meet up without them if you have too or facetime or dont bother at all.

I’d arrange to see her when her DD isn’t there, and if she asks why say “my DD doesn’t like how your DD treats her”. I don’t think you should continue to put your DD through that tbh

Next time your friend wants to meet up, just let her know your DD does not want to due to her DD’s behaviour. You have to respect your daughter’s opinion here, as she should not be bulled like this, friend or not. If your friend wants your support, she needs to get her daughter under control. Spitting on people is unacceptable.

i told my DD everytime she does something say “no thank you” etc

What on earth is this meant to do when she is being spat at?

I'm shocked that you are subjecting your daughter to this!
You are supposed to protect her!

I was going to say how can you be friends with someone who let's her daughter spit at and be violent to your daughter? But you are just as bad for taking her and letting this happen!

You're sitting there allowing your daughter to be bullied so you can support your friend. These kids are not friends, it's harmful to your daughter to be bullied. Both you and your friend are allowing that.

It's time to put your daughter first. She should come before your wish to be a support for your friend. You no longer meet up with the kids along. If you can't arrange that your meetups are child free, they stop.

What does this friendship bring you? You get to look like a good person being supportive of her but it's at the expense of your daughter being seriously bullied. And she sees you don't have her back.

@MondeoFan This friend's mental health isn't your responsibility but your daughter definitely is! You are allowing your girl to be mercilessly bullied every weekend by this nasty little spiteful brat of a kid. Your poor daughter must utterly dread it, and yet you are prioritising your friendship with this woman.

I would argue that telling a friend her daughter is horrible is far worse than just ghosting a friendship. Nobody likes being told their child is a bully (even if they know it deep down) and it usually results in a much greater fallout than necessary.

Being a good friend also has nothing to do with pointing out obvious flaws in someone else's child. If the mum is mentally ill she is probably already trying her best but it's simply not good enough. She knows her daughter can be rude but what do you expect her to do about it? You only see her 1% of the time and even if she tells her daughter off for bad behaviour, you have no idea what goes on 99% of the time you don't see them.

From experience, children who act up and behave like bullies are suffering horrific things behind closed doors. The mum is either neglecting her entirely and she has to fend for herself or she's being shouted at and abused. (Is she unnaturally skinny or overweight for her age?) A lot of bullying is obviously copied behaviour that the kids learn from their parents.

It's obviously time to call it a day with your friendship and gracefully ghost her.

And I would absolutely tell the parent that I have no intention of meeting up again,! Protect your child! This is your priority!

No, I would definitely not be putting up with that bullshit! You owe it to your daughter to absolutely not putting up with this! I actually don't understand why you give it a moments thought. Absolutely, protect your child!

Please stop putting your friend before your daughter
Do not see your friend when her child is around

Your DD's wellbeing should be your absolute priority. You can't let your child be bullied and physically hurt because you can't say no to your friend. Tell her exactly why you can't meet with her and her daughter any more.

Just tell her from now on you'll meet without the kids as your dc is uncomfortable being spat at etc

My Son came home from nursery at the age of 3 and spat at me when I wouldn’t let him do something, I was absolutely horrified….. A child within the setting was a spitter, I was only told after approaching staff the next day to ask about it.
My child only tried to do it once, and never again. It’s definitely a learnt behaviour rather than something developmental like biting.

Sorry but spitting is vile and saying ‘no thank you’ is not going to cut it….
If one of my friends children spat at mine I would tell them in no uncertain terms that it was disgusting and that until they learnt to behave my child wouldn’t be seeing them again….
If you want to see your friend and support her mental health do it without dragging your poor daughter along too.
You are teaching her that she has to put up with behaviour and treatment that is totally unacceptable, regardless of the age gap.

I would say you actually aren't being a good friend. A good friend would say, you cannot allow your child to behave like this - it will cause huge issues if you let this continue. For your child's sake, you need to parent better. Because I won't allow my child to continue to suffer from this behaviour, so you will lose me as a friend unless you nip it in the bud.

And then you might offer to help model good parenting, but you would not stand for it anymore.

Wtf. Why on earth are you allowing another child to spit and hit your daughter. Sort out your priorities and tell your friend exactly why

Did you mean......"when your friend asks why, give a reply along the lines of "neither me nor my daughter are going to share airspace with your hitting, spitting and vile child""?

YABU to expose DD to this, it’s horrible. Spitting!!!???

Tell friend you prefer to meet without the DC if you value the friendship. Just suggest cinema or drinks. Anything not child friendly.

I had this. My Mum used to take me to her friend's house sometimes, when she had to work during the school holidays. My Mum's friend had 3 boys...youngest a year younger than me, middle one was 2 years older and the elder one was 4 years older than me. The youngest and middle one were awful to me, constantly mean/hitting me. The eldest was that much older, so didn't participate often.

In the end, after keeping quiet, I told my Mum and immediately she stopped taking me there. She was upset that her friend's boys were so horrible towards me. I hated going, so was pleased. Another of my Mum's friend's looked after me then, who had a daughter a year older than me and a son 2 years younger, and they were nice.

I'm 51, and I still remember the dread I felt having to go to this woman's house and her boys.

If my friend did nothing when her child tried to spit at me I would say to my friend "Are you seriously not going to do anything about this behaviour?" And if she didn't deal with it well enough then I would say "Sorry friend but we are going to have to leave, my dd and I cannot put up with this behaviour any longer"

Your daughter is your priority. Your friend has no boundaries in place for her daughter, and she's allowed to do and treat others as she pleases. Your friend may have MH issues but that's not an excuse to allow her child to run riot with no accountability.

You need to step back from the friendship. Your daughter has clearly told you that she's unhappy with your friend's daughter. I don't blame her either. If your friend asks then you have a choice: be honest regarding the reason or use the 4 year age gap as an excuse.

If you want to continue the friendship that's up to you, but it would need to be without the children's involvement. If that's not possible then, you need to step back from the friendship completely. Your friend's MH is not as important as your own child's well-being.