AIBU to ask for your ideas re my newly windowed mum

DM is 83.
ETA - she’s been widowed for over 30 years, and her next relationship broke down about 8 years ago.

She moved across the country to be closer to family 6 years ago, and - after a long period of illness - has recently joined U3A, which keeps her as busy as she wants to be.

She also goes to an aquarobics class and Tai Chi, and is involved in the St Vincent de Paul society (church group - teas, fundraising, flowers etc).

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad and the constraints on you. i was widowed eight years ago.

Grief is very hard and it’s awful to feel you can’t be there for her. But I really valued friends and family who visibly decided to phone me regularly, for example - there’s a relative I wasn’t that close to before but we now speak every week and I so value that. You might find video calls reassure you more.

Do what you can do, and try not to worry too much about different activities for her. Tbh I would say it’s a bit soon. The only thing I would want to know is that she’s seen her GP?

I’m 77 and was widowed in 2024. It’s hard. Especially in the early days. I have found a thing called The Bereavement Journey, run by Ataloss.org has been the most helpful thing for me. It’s a course run by churches but for anyone, of any faith or none. It’s seven weeks, once a week, and through that I made friends who were going through the same thing and understood how it feels.
i also joined The Jolly Dollies, which is a social club for widows. They go out for coffee, lunch, etc. I personally didn’t like that but have a friend who loves it. There are always people who will give you a lift if you need it.
There is no shortcut through grief and it’s such early days for your mum. Things will get easier for her, as time passes.

i’m sorry for your loss. Your dm will probably have to step out of her comfort zone initially but hope she can find a few groups that she enjoys.

Age connects, U3A, Elderfit, knit and natter, walking groups, choirs, tai chi .

There are usually loads of things going on within communities but you’ll need to look specifically where she lives.

Does she drive? If not has she got a bus pass, or a taxi app? Community transport schemes could be useful too.

Could you go to the court for an emergency amendment? Not my area of knowledge but I assume you can do something like this in this situation.

My parents go.to an age concern hub. They do coffee mornings etc.

Would u consider your mum living with you?

Is your DM a joining sort of person? I would focus on regular video calls, trying to ensure she has visitors where possible and gently trying to encourage her to pick up any activities she previously enjoyed. It’s probably daunting and too much to start joining new groups unless she has a real interest and/ or someone to go with.

Your situation sounds incredibly difficult, I hope you can improve things for yourself and your children.

What country are you in? I’m so sorry you are stuck in this situation. I too live overseas and have friends in similar situations- unable to leave with their children, and an ex who will not give consent for them to travel outside the country.

Do you have any trusted friends that you could leave your daughter with? Could she stay with one of her friends for a while? So that you can visit your mum in person.

Surly the death of your father is extenuating circumstances and you can fast track a request to travel