To think husband might be gay or bi

It is possible for men to have a low libido. It doesn't mean he's gay. If you aren't happy with the lack of sex just leave.

Sounds like this isn’t the marriage you want regardless of him potentially being gay. So sit down and talk. Don’t let this eat you up over the next 6 years waiting for him to declare his gay and then leave. Think about what happiness you could miss out on over those 6 years. Life is too short.

I don't understand why you'd want an 'open' marriage with this person.

If you're staying with him for financial reasons, why don't you get a job and support yourself and date whomever you please?

Your friend and her dh have a great marriage because they are both happy with the status quo. He has discreet relationships with other men and she is not a fan of sex . She knows he is gay
Op’s situation is different , she doesn’t know whether her dh is gay. He refuses to open the relationship up, doesn’t want to separate .
Poor Op is expected to put up with a sexless life .
Her dh is selfish .

As others have said Whether he is gay or not , you are unhappy
Do not waste any more years, find a man who wants you romantically
Leave him Op

Sorry, I seemed to go off on a tangent. I can't say enough, if you are unhappy with your life then you need to change it. You only go around once, so make it a good one.

It doesn't matter what his sexuality is, as others have said, it matters if the marriage is making you unhappy. If you were ok with the lack of sex and the set up worked well that's one thing. If you are unhappy then make a plan. Don't wait 6 years, if he's a reasonable bloke you can happily coparent and not be together.

A friend of mine is married to a gay man and she loves it. It mainly works for her because she has no interest in heterosexual sex and swears that she's not a lesbian. From the thoughts she's expressed (sex is just not necessary, is it?), I'd say she has always been asexual.

Her husband is bloody fantastic! Good looking; witty; successful; fun and a very good conversationalist; stylish; considerate and kind, playful, etc. If there was ever such a thing as a Stepford Husband, he would be it (excluding the sex). They have a lovely life together and you can feel the genuine interest and affection they have for each other.

While his wife and I know little about his sex life, she told me that she think he has affairs with the artists he mentors (He's a successful art dealer - think Philip Mould in Fake or Fortune). Nevertheless, he is very discrete.

The only time I've come close to discussing it with him was on a walk in Tuscany when he said something like; 'I really love women, but can only have sex with men.'

They have one of the most successful marriages of most of the people I know.

I'd say that life isn't black and white or needs to follow the script that is handed to us. You need to evaluate your marriage and conclude if it is working for you. Would your husband be open to you being involved with another man. Maybe a trouple might be the solution for you? Certainly, you both need to be more open with each other.

This. So many people leap to assume that someone is either gay or doesn’t fancy them in particular just because they don’t want sex. It is possible to just not be interested in sex - at all!

My parents split when my brother was 18 (I'm older) and I feel like if they had done it when I was at home they might have been more sympathetic to me being upset. My mum in particular didn't think it was any of my business being sad about it.

Listen to your gut. You deserve to be happy with a fulfilling sex life. You are a long time dead.

OP's DH may not be gay ( though it sounds like he could well be) Therefore not unreasonable for OP to have suggested blood tests to acertain whether the cause of his lack of testosterone, (something which is not difficult to fix) was causing his lack of sex drive.

I would generally say if his wife and his father thinks he may be gay then chances are he is. Not to mention the other people throughout the years who have thought it too.
However like others have said it does not matter, if the marriage makes you unhappy then you should think about leaving. Because you don’t know whether he’s gay or not, him being gay is not the issue here even though you would maybe not have these issues if he were not potentially gay. It’s complicated.

You could initiate a conversation saying what you think and that honesty to yourselves and each other is necessary to move forward in whatever way that may be.

Mine turned out to be gay. I have struggled to get over the anger at him wasting years of my life when I could have been with someone who was mad about me. That said, we have two lovely kids so it was worth the pain and years of feeling not good enough.

You are not happy, and your marriage is not fulfilling you in spite of years of trying. You’ve done your best and you should be kinder to yourself. It is not wrong to want sex and affection, and it is not wrong to want to feel desirable. I have that now and I am so much happier. My kids are happy, well adjusted, young adults who have a trusted, engaged, and much loved step dad, so it is worth getting out.

Will the answer make a difference? Why would you stay in a marriage which doesn't meet your needs? Waiting 6 years to ask the question is ridiculous. It seems like you have both become comfortable with the situation but neither of you are actually happy with it. Life is too short. If you can't accept the relationship as it is, then you need to end it - because it isn't going to suddenly change.

He's clearly very avoidant whether he's gay or not. So when you ask/have the conversation, I doubt very much he will suddenly tell the truth. You may need to take control of the situation yourself.

He's controlled the status quo for so long. He doesn't want to separate. He doesn't want to open the marriage. What about what you want? You can end the marriage if you want to. You can find another sexual partner if you want to (I would be very clear about this - if he doesn't like it then the alternative is divorce). He can't keep you in this half life forever unless you're also willing to live like that.

I think if other men are assuming he is gay, even his own father, then the likelihood is quite high, just saying.

OP, why do you think other people (including his dad!) have wondered whether he’s gay? Presumably they don’t know about your lack of sex life. Is he quite camp? Not that all gay man are camp of course! I’m just wondering what has made people ask whether he’s gay.

As many previous posters have said though, whether it’s that he’s gay or is that he has low libido - the main thing is that you are unhappy.

If he is gay, he’s obviously found it hard to come out. People often find it hard to say it if they are pushed, so perhaps rather than asking him directly like “Are you gay?” - instead you could just tell him you feel it’s over and that you want to be with someone who desires you… and tell him that you expect he “could find a woman or man” who he desires. (Sometimes saying it casually takes the pressure off of someone having to directly admit something.)

I have been through this myself. Completely sexless relationship through my 20s, once every two years if I was lucky. Sometimes three years would pass. I also stopping initiating and trying and that was that. I told myself sex wasn't important but feeling wanted was important I never felt attractive or appealing because that is how he made me feel.
We had many conversations and he discussed his "low sex drive" until I found him on a swingers site and he was on multiple sex chat rooms. His preferences on the site were "Men, threesomes, trans women" etc. So whilst I'd sat dormant the whole time that is what he'd been up to.
I ended the relationship, missed my opportunity to have children in my 20s but it's the best thing I ever did....

Could he be asexual OP? Asides from what other men have said, if you took that out of the equation,
would you still think he is gay?

Is it just the sex or are there other things in your marriage that are making you unhappy? Are you unhappy with the fact he might be gay? My first husband had an extremely low sex drive and I left but we didnt have kids and I was in my twenties so that is very different to your situation. I think you need to have a conversation with him and evaluate your while marriage. You might just have to accept him for who he is.

I would have left years ago and in fact I did leave
my first husband because of his extremely low sex drive and the fact he never initiated sex. He destroyed my self esteem. You have wasted your life on this man and plan to continue to do so.

Mine has a low libido and we haven’t had sex since the last century (we’ve been together since 1985). He just has a low libido. What makes me think that your husband might be gay or bi was when you said he looked at men and seemed interested in them, I assume. Mine doesn’t even look at people any more, and when he did, it was women.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, but I would have a serious conversation with him. It’s not fair of him to string you along regardless of how difficult it might be for him to come out.

Please don't wait another 6 years. You are wasting your life away with someone who is clearly gay. It's time to cut your losses and find happiness with someone else.

OP, he was already not that interested in sex with you when you met him at 23 so I am not quite sure why you decided to have a long term relationship with him if that was important to you?

The signs were already there.

You finding out whether he is gay, bi or asexual is almost irrelevant. Instead you need to ask yourself what you want and what you are going to do next:

• If you are happy to live with him as just friends and co-parent then stay in the marriage
• If you are not happy to stay in a sexless relationship and finally want to be with someone who truly fancies you, then it is time to end your marriage.

But you need to accept that nothing you do at this stage will ever make him be more interested in sex with you. He is never going to change and has possibly mislead you for the entire duration of your relationship.

So all that is in your power is whether you end the relationship or not.

Take his possible sexuality out of the equation for a minute.

• Are you happy in your marriage OP?
• Would you prefer to be with someone who wanted to have sex with you?
• If you never have sex again in your whole life, will you be okay with that?
• Do YOU fantasise about other men or being in another relationship that meets your sexual needs?
• If you stay in this marriage how do you think you'll feel when you're 85 and looking back on your life? Do you think that you might wish you'd been brave enough to leave when you were still young and could've met someone else?