AIBU to feel hurt after being called lazy over housework?

This sounds like it could turn abusive.

Careful... There's a thin line between gentle suggestion and outright putting you down.

And, for example, in his week my partner has taken the kids swimming, to the cinema, to see a friend and also some routine hospital and dental stuff. I’m not holding him or me up to be saints, this is very normal IME.

I also cannot believe you’re trying to cover most of the summer holidays whilst still working from home. I am amazed that your work allow it- but even so what a shit summer for you and your kids.

We cover summer holidays by each taking leave for at least 2 weeks- we do 1 week each separately and then one week together on holiday. So that’s 3 weeks in total. The other 3 weeks the kids are in holiday clubs or we have a bit of family help. We plan this together may/ June time. Is your partner taking any leave to look after HIS kids on his own?

Yes. Your husband is not a nice husband/

Also YABU to "babysit" your kids for a whole 6 weeks. That's a shit summer holiday. They need childcare and/or holiday clubs. You also need to devote your paid time at work to actually work.

Next time he’s scrolling his phone or having a nap, why don’t you call him lazy? No doubt he will say he’s been working and needs a rest, then you can point out that you have also been on your feet since 6 and need a rest/ some downtime too. See how he explains his massive hypocrisy and double standards. Then leave him to it.

He’s a lazy bully, who has no respect for you! You are doing more than enough, he is projecting his weakness onto you. Another MN Prince!

He’s the lazy one! He works less than you and does less in the house, and less childcare.

And all of this gaslighting, texting you at 5:01, refusing to consider a cleaner and calling you over to clean things. Absolutely not normal and downright abusive.

How have things got to this stage? Are you scared of him? Or a massive people pleaser?

The first time he texted me at 5:01 saying why are you still working? I would’ve told him to get lost, I was still finishing off work and that I was earning money to support the family, as he does. Ditto taking a call. When he called me over to clean something I would’ve told him to clean it up himself and from that point absolutely refused to clean that particular mess. If you keep letting people treat you like shit, they will carry on doing so.

Honestly, if he thinks that this is an appropriate way to behave, I think I would start getting things together so that I could leave pretty sharpish. If things in the relationship or otherwise good, what you may need to do is start standing up for yourself to address the balance and/or get some relationship counselling. I’d also stop working from home completely if you can. But no you are not lazy, you’re just someone that is allowed their boundaries and sense to be completely eroded by a bully.

Can we please just call this what it is? It’s a form of domestic abuse.

He’s buying his naps and scrolling time with OPs exhaustion and now he’s got to lock her into this by making her doubt herself and her reality, grinding her down emotionally as well as physically.

He’s not just a garden variety lazy twat who needs told. He’s not just “unkind” or “disrespectful”. He’s manipulative and dangerous and he’s clearly out to rinse OP of every resource he can squeeze out of her.

This is not a marriage worth saving, it’s a marriage worth undoing at the earliest opportunity.

He does cook dinner most days during the week (3 days maybe) but expects us to do everything else - set table, dribks etc which is obviously fine. But when I cook at a weekend, if I ask him to do everything its a massive dilemma

Three days a week self-evidently isn't most days. Does he collect the children from school? Does he do any washing, cleaning, shopping etc/

He complains I work too much/like my job too much as I will work to my finish time each day (1700) and if i happen to run over by 5 minutes because i'm either finishing something off or on a call, he will start messaging me for 1701 saying why am I late. But if he has to take calls outside of work hours its absolutely fine

So copy him. Stand in front of him when he takes work calls asking him why he's working outside office hours, accuse him of taking the call to avoid doing housework.

Tell him to cut out the scrolling and naps and do some housework.With his attitude I would do less. Ask him to find and pay for a cleaner if he has a problem. Don’t be disappointed, act like you don’t care and let him suck it up!

He doesn’t sound very nice, OP. Can you imagine life without him?

An adult man has a NAP during the day ?!!!

you and he are so lucky that you are able to WORK from home, how would life look like if you went out to work in an office ?

Hes an arse. Be an arse back. List the things you do and the things he does then compare them

Absolutely pathetic excuse for a human being he is. He knows he does so much less than you and works less hours but he thinks he can call you lazy?!

The first time he called me into the kitchen and pointed out what I should clean would be the last. Not only is he lazy but he's a bully.

How funny, DP and I had the exact same argument last night. I will admit the house has gone downhill since we got rid of the cleaner. He’s out working and I am home with 6 month old DD. I don’t think they realise that finding time in the day to do just one or two basic household tasks, is a win for us. Like you say, they don’t notice the ‘invisible’ jobs like laundry - do they think the magic fairies deliver their clean pants and makes sure they never run out of deodorant and other toiletries? Could you compromise and hire a cleaner?

p.s. mine also loves a post-work nap!

This.

You're not a wife-maid-mum-sex robot.

He's not doing 50%. Marriage should be a partnership. He's not a partner he's another chore.

Do more housework. Stop having sex. Tell him you're too tired.

OP - do you feel as if you are treading on eggshells?

If one of us got off at 2 we'd come home, do a chore or have a cup of tea and then pick the kids up. Surely you're both free from 5pm, what happens then? Who cooks? Who does the evening tidying?

He doesn’t value you or your job. I would seriously be considering if the relationship is worth continuing, probably isn’t.

yet another prince amongst men. Stop making his lunch - tell the lazy arsed git to make it himself. And if he finishes work at 2 he should be doing the school pick ups and organising dinner. Jeez 🙄

Someone is lazy.
@Lazymummy889 It’s not you though.
He’s deflecting.
And what makes him the king of the house dishing out his demands?

He is not treating you with respect. He sounds like a nasty bully.

WFH doesn’t mean at home free to do whatever he wants. Given you are doing school run etc I’d imagine your day starts around the same time as his. Sounds like he wants a traditional man work / woman do house set up but most of us can’t afford to live like that, so you are expected to do work + house while he does work + half the cooking.

The way he treated you over the spider is really disrespectful and unkind. My husband would never speak to me like that. I think you need to take a step back and consider whether you want to be in this relationship and if you do then you (he) needs some counselling or medication to repair your relationship. This is what your children are seeing and will think relationships are like, I’m sure you want better for them and yourself x

You both work so cleaning should be 50/50. You both need to clean on a certain day e.g he vacs up the house and mops up and takes the bins out. You can clean the kitchen, bathrooms and surfaces in all rooms. Or vice versa. One person fills the dishwasher and washing machine and the other takes them out. Write down the chores and split them evenly. Put them on the fridge.