AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

84 replies

Daydreamer94 · Yesterday 00:11

I am really just so annoyed with DH. I love him and he is a good person and the children adore him. We’ve been together for 10 years and had our ups and downs but he has helped me through some really tough times, I am always grateful for that. We also get on really well and generally have a happy life.

However a recurring argument we have is that I feel I have the majority of the mental load, for example with the children I do all their school club admin, I am always at the teacher parent meetings, I do the homework etc. I take care of all their doctors appointments/hospital visits. I sort out all their clothes and buy new ones. I do the food shop and plan all our meals and cook them. I do the laundry.

DH helps with paying 70% of the bills and cleaning, his argument is he has a very demanding job, not wfh and he pays for majority. He mostly pays for our days out but I do contribute. We both work fulltime but my job is more flexible.

I said I feel overwhelmed with it all holding a fulltime job and also all mentioned above. He said he can’t do anymore and it shouldn’t matter as someone will always do more than the other but thats family. I said but it feels like I am doing most.

He got angry and said I am accusing him of not doing anything, but the children never want for anything and he tries to do as much as he is able ( work permitting )

I just feel really depleted, am I being taken advantage of? Is this normal in other families, do women just do more?

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · Yesterday 02:10

Sit down together and list out all of the jobs that need to be done to keep things running. ALL of them. Then see who does what. Are the lists even? Is there a massive discrepancy? It can really help to see it in black and white.

If there is a huge discrepancy and he doesn't care or tries to justify it or says he'll do better and doesn't then you can re-evaluate what you think about him and how much you think he values you.

PollyBell · Yesterday 02:06

What are you doing that is not necessary? People complain how busy and exhausted they are then when asking further half the stuff they chose to do is on them they choose it

LBFseBrom · Yesterday 02:03

You didn't mention cleaning, do you do all that? If so, hire a cleaner and outsource any ironing.

chedderland · Yesterday 01:42

Booking extra curricular activities is hardly taxing. You may do a bit more school stuff but it doesn’t seem that unfair to me. Don’t know how stuff like this takes so long unless you have 6 kids or if they have additional needs.

cadburyegg · Yesterday 01:27

It sounds like you carry more of the family mental load but he carries more of the responsibility for paying the bills. Seems reasonable to me.

Tamtim · Yesterday 00:43

The parent who isn’t the default for everything home and child never truly realises what responsibilities you have on top of everything else. They just don’t see it and often don’t want to, because if they do, they’ll realise what an easy ride they have. If you’ve made the decision to have children together, who earns more shouldn’t equate to the other person doing more. That simply isn’t fairness or teamwork.

The fact that his automatic response is to go on the defensive tells me he isn’t pulling his weight and he knows it. Does he have more free time than you do? If he does, he needs to step up and do more.

Ghostiescotchie · Yesterday 00:34

Well you’re both working full time but is he doing more on top of that? Eg working in the evening too.

If not then it doesn’t matter what he earns he needs to pull his weight at home. In these situations it’s rubbish but start delegating to him at home. You know what needs doing, make sure he knows which of those jobs he’s responsible for.

ToKittyornottoKitty · Yesterday 00:34

I think it’s unfair to say he’s taking advantage of you. The balance may not be quite right but you are both stretched and overwhelmed. Can you outsource any of the household things? Gardener, cleaner etc?

YouMightLikeIt · Yesterday 00:29

Yes, in a lot of family set ups women do more.

What is happening is he is not seeing the value in what you do because it doesn't equate to physical income.

If you were paying 50% and he was too, he still wouldn't have any more time than he has now, just more money in his pocket. You would be out of pocket and still carrying the extra mental load. His argument is null and void for that reason.

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