Page 3 | AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

Daydreamer94 · 2026-08-07T23:11:22+00:00

I am really just so annoyed with DH. I love him and he is a good person and the children adore him. We’ve been together for 10 years and had our ups and downs but he has helped me through some really tough times, I am always grateful for that. We also get on really well and generally have a happy life. However a recurring argument we have is that I feel I have the majority of the mental load, for example with the children I do all their school club admin, I am always at the teacher parent meetings, I do the homework etc. I take care of all their doctors appointments/hospital visits. I sort out all their clothes and buy new ones. I do the food shop and plan all our meals and cook them. I do the laundry. DH helps with paying 70% of the bills and cleaning, his argument is he has a very demanding job, not wfh and he pays for majority. He mostly pays for our days out but I do contribute. We both work fulltime but my job is more flexible. I said I feel overwhelmed with it all holding a fulltime job and also all mentioned above. He said he can’t do anymore and it shouldn’t matter as someone will always do more than the other but thats family. I said but it feels like I am doing most. He got angry and said I am accusing him of not doing anything, but the children never want for anything and he tries to do as much as he is able ( work permitting ) I just feel really depleted, am I being taken advantage of? Is this normal in other families, do women just do more?

GotMarriedInCornwall · 09/08/2026 22:04

Look up the concept of the triple shift. Unfortunately it’s nothing new and there are many women who have been experiencing the same thing for decades.
I know this doesn’t help you, but you are not alone.
My husband doesn’t even have the excuse of being the higher earner or having the most stressful job (I claim both of those titles) but I still end up doing all of the life admin as well 😟

ImpatientlyWaitingForSummer · 09/08/2026 22:02

This is an ongoing point of reflection for me as I do all the same things with my two children, I sometimes find myself annoyed with my partner not doing some of these things but then when I play the scenarios out in my head I can totally see what would end up happening if he took over more of the responsibility:

Haircuts - they’ve taken too much off
Parents evenings - “WHAT, you didn’t ask x, y, z?!”
Clothes - I don’t like these outfits, nothing matches 😅
Food shops - I’m not a fan of this meal
Laundry - I like things folded in this way and in these particular drawers

Honestly for me I get why my partner leaves me to it and reluctantly I have to admit to myself that I like to do things the right way my way. His way isn’t wrong and our children would function perfectly well if he took over but I wouldn’t like not having my system in place. I’m not suggesting that this is the case for you but I wonder if other women are like that too and that’s why the load seems unfairly split sometimes

PussInBin20 · 09/08/2026 22:00

It’s the age old story unfortunately. 🙄

Leopardspota · 09/08/2026 21:51

Chocolateistheanswer2026 · 09/08/2026 15:32

Your DH does sound like he's doing quite a lot on top of a full on job. The key question is how much down time are you both getting? If he gets in at 7 then sits around while you are dealing with the kids and admin until 9 then the balance is wrong. If, however, you both finish your jobs (work and home) at roughly the same time and share them over the weekend then it would be a fair balance. It's pretty rare for both partners to spend exactly the same amount of time working so it's usual for someone to do more of the life admin stuff. You both work full time with young kids so life is going to feel busy until they are quite a bit older and more self sufficient.

It’s just so common for men to faff around at work to be ‘sooo busy’ and get home late, unfortunately missing bedtime, when women don’t have that luxury.

My husband and I have realised we used to faff around pre kids … we often finished at 6/630, these days I leave at 4 and he finishes at 4.50 and works efficiently (funnily enough he has a ‘big job’ and takes home at least 4 times more than me) he’s able to do bedtime 9/10 days.

OP does he do all the cleaning? You’ve broken down the jobs you do lumped all the cleaning into 1 job?

In our house I do a lot of the house and kid
mental load, but he does other stuff like bills mental load and car/home maintenance mental load.

it doesn’t matter who is paid what….its about how much you do.
You need to speak to him about what you both do - make a list and try to discuss if it’s fair. Look at ways to streamline (hint - getting one person to meal plan and another to shop is not sensible!)

Gggdryvhu · 09/08/2026 21:47

You are not being unreasonable! In our house I am the larger earner, similar split with you and your husband but I know that just because I earn more doesn't mean my effort and time isnt more valuable than my partner. Okay we're able to put different mometary amounts into the pot but our effort in contributing to the house and kids is 50:50, and if either of us is overwhelmed the other tries to step up for a bit to give the other some breathing room. Tell your husband the Internet thinks he needs to get with the times!

Sostressed1234 · 09/08/2026 21:46

Sorry no words of advice here but just to say I completely feel and get this.

Yet in our household I contribute to 50% of the bills, do 9/10 school drop offs / picks ups, all the school admin etc.. he doesn’t see it or get it. Then he’s almost bullying me to go back to work on a Friday when second & last DC starts school in Sept. Even though I do 4 long days. I’ve had enough to be fair!! (Sorry needed that rant).

laurajayneinkent · 09/08/2026 20:22

Join this group, it's great for understanding the gaps between partners and how to discuss and redistribute them: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879
A lot of people don't understand how much the mental load weighs - and most of it is usually done by the mums. There are lots of "influencer" type people on Facebook (mainly on Reels) who talk about it though, and this "cartoon" explains it really well: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
RE: finances, it shouldn't matter what he "pays for" and what you "pay for" - all money belongs to the family! It shouldn't matter if he earns more than you - if you both work full time then you should share childcare, cooking etc equally. You need to sit down and have a discussion and draw up lists.

laurajayneinkent · 09/08/2026 20:07

Join this group, it's great: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879

Meand2Ls · 09/08/2026 19:55

I earn 70% of the household income and do all the family organising 😅. Honestly it’s just what works for you. That works for us. I personally mind if we split the stuff around organising the kids neither of us would know what was going on. I deal with it all and delegate out what needs done.
Can you afford to chuck some money at the situation? Get a cleaner? Or even something like a skylight calendar to keep everything organised better?

Jeska7 · 09/08/2026 18:20

Female is often default parent!

Nameshavebeenchangedtoprotect · 09/08/2026 18:07

Has anyone mentioned Alex Trippier? He's a man who talks online about this stuff. I find his posts excellent.

Chocolateistheanswer2026 · 09/08/2026 15:32

Your DH does sound like he's doing quite a lot on top of a full on job. The key question is how much down time are you both getting? If he gets in at 7 then sits around while you are dealing with the kids and admin until 9 then the balance is wrong. If, however, you both finish your jobs (work and home) at roughly the same time and share them over the weekend then it would be a fair balance. It's pretty rare for both partners to spend exactly the same amount of time working so it's usual for someone to do more of the life admin stuff. You both work full time with young kids so life is going to feel busy until they are quite a bit older and more self sufficient.

Advice5 · 09/08/2026 11:49

Fiftyandme · 08/08/2026 09:22

You need to start letting balks drop. And allowing your kids to be disappointed in the for father when the ball drop.

you both work full time - you shouldn’t be doing the majority of the unpaid shot work all if the time.

divvy up the jobs, give him the list (and when he gets angry calmly explain you tried to talk with him but he angrily dismissed you and played the big ‘I pay more and I gave v important job’ card so now you’ve spilt up the jobs and those jobs are now his responsibility. And then let the resulting shit show happen and make it abundantly clear to those who end up let down that these were his responsibility

and then walk off and enjoy your free time

All I can say is wow. From what OP has said it doesnt sound like her DP has much free time. I think in these situations it's easy to stop giving a crap for the other persons perspective as we are all tired but that will lead to bigger problems.

I have noticed a lot of responses on mumsnet are to try and cause further problems in marriages.

From reading what you are both doing OP it sounds like a fairly even split.

Happytaytos · 09/08/2026 08:27

He doesn't sound that bad. But it's difficult to judge without knowing the ins and outs. His attitude to the cooking is nasty though.

Meal planning in our house is a conversation over one tea time, then I write a list and shop.

Your kids are young and need a lot. That will change as they get older and the mental load does reduce, plus you get more used to things being automatic so they don't take up as much headspace.

Some of your perceived imbalance is perhaps because you WFH so can do stuff, and he can't.

If you're getting access to equal leisure time then it's probably fairish.

JournalistEmily · 09/08/2026 08:18

Stop doing it all. Just stop. It’s that simple. See what happens!

Realworld10 · 08/08/2026 22:35

Do you do this because you're more able to wfh, eg washing, prepping meals etc? If he's not physically in the house he can't do these things. Of course it depends on your role and if you get much free time, which due to posts saying they have spare hours, suggests the one who wfh generally does more because they can?

I go out to work, 7.30am to 5pm or later, DH wfh and isn't always full on busy so will do housework during the day.

Pessismistic · 08/08/2026 22:06

Daydreamer94 · 08/08/2026 20:54

I agree! And you make a great point about me not adding to the pot since I am clearly contributing more in other ways! He works slightly more than me but not double.

I just feel like he knows I will do it and so doesn’t do anything and feels as though he is paying his way - I don’t know - makes me feel what I do is not valued at all.

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Hi op why does him putting in more money free him of his duties. He had kids with you your not his mother he must have done things for himself before you came along so he could do more he chooses not to.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/08/2026 21:55

Dontwanttheseboobies · 08/08/2026 20:25

We have a cleaner and a gardener (I know we are fortunate to have that), and no he does nothing else unless I ask him to. Which means I still have to have thought about it in the first place. And usually when I do ask him the response is that he’s got far too much on with work to even think about anything else. No sure how much more of it I can take, to be honest 😭

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Honestly @Dontwanttheseboobies, get a divorce. You are paying for it all anyway, and he’s using you to parent his children. Set yourself free, you made a mistake, we all do, end it and move on to a happier life.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/08/2026 21:53

Dontwanttheseboobies · 08/08/2026 19:40

DH and I have had this exact same
argument today. We both work full time in demanding jobs, I actually earn significantly more than him (not that it’s relevant as pp have said), and I still feel like I do everything. We are taking his kids (my step-kids) on holiday next week and I’ve done everything, all the planning, and the booking, insurance, thinking about and buying all the stuff we might need (first aid kit. sun creams, do the kids need new swim suits etc) sorting all the activities that need to be booked in advance...
In one previous argument on the same topic he threw at me that he’d actually taken the kids
out for a day that week… as if he was doing me a favour by looking after his own
children for a day! He told me today that he had loads to do to prep for the holiday and when I pressed him on what he actually has
to do he said he needed to do his packing..!!!

He sounds utterly awful, far far worse than the ops dh, and I hope you wake up soon and realise why his first wife ended it.

Original poster

Daydreamer94 · 08/08/2026 20:54

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/08/2026 13:26

How many hours do you work (paid) vs him? If he ends up working double your hours then I'd expect you to do the majority of the mental load. But if its more equal then I wouldn't. Also, I think it's a bit cheeky for him to say 'well I pay more so I'm absolved of responsibility' without your agreement. Unless you contribute nothing. What would he do if you said 'well I'm not putting anything in the joint account this month, or ever again actually, because I do the majority of the mental load.' That would be mental. What happens if you come into money one day (lottery, inheritance, big promotion) and end up contributing more than him to the household finances, would he be fine with you just stopping all organising?

I agree! And you make a great point about me not adding to the pot since I am clearly contributing more in other ways! He works slightly more than me but not double.

I just feel like he knows I will do it and so doesn’t do anything and feels as though he is paying his way - I don’t know - makes me feel what I do is not valued at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daydreamer94 · 08/08/2026 20:51

Dontwanttheseboobies · 08/08/2026 19:40

DH and I have had this exact same
argument today. We both work full time in demanding jobs, I actually earn significantly more than him (not that it’s relevant as pp have said), and I still feel like I do everything. We are taking his kids (my step-kids) on holiday next week and I’ve done everything, all the planning, and the booking, insurance, thinking about and buying all the stuff we might need (first aid kit. sun creams, do the kids need new swim suits etc) sorting all the activities that need to be booked in advance...
In one previous argument on the same topic he threw at me that he’d actually taken the kids
out for a day that week… as if he was doing me a favour by looking after his own
children for a day! He told me today that he had loads to do to prep for the holiday and when I pressed him on what he actually has
to do he said he needed to do his packing..!!!

I am sorry! But hats off to you not sure I could do all that and they are not even my kids! I have done the same for our holiday planned, booked, organised, sorted all kids clothes/swimwear/shoes - he is booking the parking at the airport!

OP posts:

Original poster

Daydreamer94 · 08/08/2026 20:48

arethereanyleftatall · 08/08/2026 14:01

I think what he said about ‘paying for the food’ is potentially a troubling mindset.

What matters is the number of hours you work, if his hourly rate is more than yours, that doesn’t count as him putting more effort in. I’m sure you’ve both heard of the gender pay gap.

money should be pooled, and if you work the same number of hours, you should be doing equal hours spent in to home stuff too.

I agree re troubling mindset. Its probably a cultural thing. I grew up in a pretty volatile DV household and my mother suffered all forms of abuse from my father - so I find it hard to pool money and like to keep it separate as I have worked hard not to have the life she had and she was fully dependent on him.

I don’t mind doing the food shopping and cooking but would be nice if he could at least meal plan. It’s just frustrating and I am trying to work out if I am being fussy or if it is in fact unfair.

OP posts:

Dontwanttheseboobies · 08/08/2026 20:25

TrunkElliot · 08/08/2026 19:43

@Dontwanttheseboobies
Does your husband do anything around the house? Cleaning? House maintenance? House admin?

We have a cleaner and a gardener (I know we are fortunate to have that), and no he does nothing else unless I ask him to. Which means I still have to have thought about it in the first place. And usually when I do ask him the response is that he’s got far too much on with work to even think about anything else. No sure how much more of it I can take, to be honest 😭

Pessismistic · 08/08/2026 20:25

TrunkElliot · 08/08/2026 19:38

@Pessismistic
The op says he does the majority of the cleaning, all the house maintenance and the house admin.

She also says majority falls on her. house bills aren’t exactly taxing so that’s not even comparable.

Shawiiing · 08/08/2026 19:48

OP I really feel for you. My partner has ADHD and is main breadwinner and he does a ton of stuff with our kids but I have to do all the family’s admin, while also working (in a lower paid role), juggling my chronic ill heath and all the many appointments I have to attend and coordinate for that and care for my elderly parents. . A full time personal assistant wouldn’t have this much to do in a week and I'm constantly having to remind him of things needing done or chased up and then he forgets to do it and I have to remember and remind him again.

For me the biggest problem is knowing he cannot change so this is my life unless I leave and then I’d still be managing life around his shifts and having to go form him of the kids stuff. It’s relentless and exhausting.

if your husband doesn’t have the excuse of something like ADHD then work to rule/go on strike/do nothing. Two adult households ought to have two adults doing equal management of the household.