AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the family mental load and childcare?

It depends- sometimes one person in the family has incredibly high standards and creates a lot of work and expectation that the other person just doesn’t seem necessary. I remember a friend bitterly complaining that her husband wasn’t creating hand made confetti for a kids birthday party and doing bespoke invitations to hand out when he thought a WhatsApp group text would be just fine. Some are very highly strung over exactly how the dishwasher has to be loaded and what not and the partner just doesn’t see it that way.

I suggest you go part time.

@Dontwanttheseboobies
Does your husband do anything around the house? Cleaning? House maintenance? House admin?

Your situation isn’t the same as OPs, her DH does a fair bit and the kids are shared. Your DH is a looser, I’d be skipping that holiday and reevaluating the relationship if I were you

DH and I have had this exact same
argument today. We both work full time in demanding jobs, I actually earn significantly more than him (not that it’s relevant as pp have said), and I still feel like I do everything. We are taking his kids (my step-kids) on holiday next week and I’ve done everything, all the planning, and the booking, insurance, thinking about and buying all the stuff we might need (first aid kit. sun creams, do the kids need new swim suits etc) sorting all the activities that need to be booked in advance...
In one previous argument on the same topic he threw at me that he’d actually taken the kids
out for a day that week… as if he was doing me a favour by looking after his own
children for a day! He told me today that he had loads to do to prep for the holiday and when I pressed him on what he actually has
to do he said he needed to do his packing..!!!

Our DD is just 16 , we have 2 Ds’s in their 20’s
and this has been my life mainly. DH worked FT and I work PT, term time so I have done most of the organising, cleaning, cooking, now I feel drained-in my late 50’s, I dream about disappearing into the sunset to explore the world a bit but I couldnt do that to my DD, maybe when she’s in her 20’s , our DS’s have their own lives.
He has always sorted the cars, now he's retired he does cook and food shop. He rarely cleans tho-mess etc does not bother him.
I think he went to 1 or 2 parents evenings , thats for all of our DC, maybe did the school pick up a few times.
I don't understand why some men dont think about it all, totally unaware!
I remember when I was due to have our DD , I organised hot school meals for our DS’s for a few weeks, I told my DH but when I had her , he came into see me ,all proud of himself for packing their lunches… oh well!!!

@Pessismistic
The op says he does the majority of the cleaning, all the house maintenance and the house admin.

Is he serious about that he pays so you have to do the rest oh wow op just cheeky. What is wrong with men who think that paying more into the pot it gives them a cushy life. Hi op can you book the appointments but let him take dc if your both working full time he isn’t pulling his weight and yes many women are in the same situation as you, is there anything you can give him to free up the mental load! This is quite common here men thinking money counts more than the physical stuff. Try and see if there are things you can pass on to him or order food online to free you up.

I think what he said about ‘paying for the food’ is potentially a troubling mindset.

What matters is the number of hours you work, if his hourly rate is more than yours, that doesn’t count as him putting more effort in. I’m sure you’ve both heard of the gender pay gap.

money should be pooled, and if you work the same number of hours, you should be doing equal hours spent in to home stuff too.

How many hours do you work (paid) vs him? If he ends up working double your hours then I'd expect you to do the majority of the mental load. But if its more equal then I wouldn't. Also, I think it's a bit cheeky for him to say 'well I pay more so I'm absolved of responsibility' without your agreement. Unless you contribute nothing. What would he do if you said 'well I'm not putting anything in the joint account this month, or ever again actually, because I do the majority of the mental load.' That would be mental. What happens if you come into money one day (lottery, inheritance, big promotion) and end up contributing more than him to the household finances, would he be fine with you just stopping all organising?

There is a flexibility that WFH affords people that those working out of the home just don’t have. When DS was younger, I was 100% office based and also traveled to EU for work. DH earned 20% more than me, worked the same, on average 50 hour week but because he was predominantly home based he did more than I did. He could pop a wash load on whilst boiling the kettle, or put away the shopping once it was delivered. I would do most of the admin because I could fit that around my working day. We have always played to our strengths, worked as a team and checked in with each other to ensure no one was overwhelmed. However, I am a naturally organised person and a planner. DH is better at doing the tasks that need doing in the here and now.

It sounds as if you have fallen into defined roles and neither appreciates what the other is doing. When DS was younger, DH and I used to sit down every Sunday evening with diaries and cover off who was doing what. Would that work for you?

But do you ever do the finances/bills? Would it make sense if you both did something you currently do or would that be pointless? Do you want him to take on something so you no longer do it? I resent picking up after my Dh-classic yesterday, he put the inner part of the bin on top of the bin lid, he puts the dishes on top of dishwasher, but he does all research for buying anything, did a 6 hour round trip for something recently, all the finances, mortgages, savings, insurance claims for the dogs, tax returns, takes my car for the service etc.

I think writing down everything is helpful and handing over a task or 5 might be useful.

Why are you paying 70/30 ? Isn’t it family money?

Approaching from a different angle, are you getting enough time to be just you, not mum?

I find everything harder when I don't get regular small pockets of me time. An uninterrupted bath with fancy candle and good book. Weekly yoga/gym class. An hour with a good coffee in the park. A walk with a friend.

I was going to ask this exact thing. Peoples lives seem so busy but then they plan them like that, here there and everywhere. Whats the need?

Get a cleaner
Get a food order on repeat and rotation from the supermarket
Cook the same meals largely so you;re not really putting any thought into it
Dont wash things so often

But it being mentally taxing isn’t all his fault, it IS exhausting both working full time with 2 kids. That doesn’t make it his fault. That’s just the life you’ve both chosen and the stage you are at in it. And he is doing quite a lot too. If he quit his job and got a less stressful lower paying one could you afford everything you do now?

It seems to me he's doing quite a lot. I did all of that but rationalised it by the fact that even when I went back to work, on a nano percentage of his income by then, he left the house at about 6.45 and got home at about 9/9.30. I worked locally, took the DC to school, was at my desk at 9.15 and home by 5.45. I fulfilled everything by about 7.30/8pm and therefore had more downtime than him and it was fair.

We rendered equal time, him a bit more actually. Very early on we agreed the way fkrward because his career prospects were significantly greater than mine. If they hadn't come to fruition, we'd have had a rethink. And no he wasn't spending three hours a day napping on a train or reading at leisure. 40 minutes in the car.

The problem is that he says he can’t do anymore, and doesn’t do anymore. You say you can’t do anymore but then pick up everything he doesn’t do.
I think you need to say that you can’t do any more either and that therefore you’ll get a cleaner/send out laundry etc so that the extra that you pick up is the organisational stuff.

He seems to be conflating income with organising the home and the children. You both work full time so his income isn't relevant. The effort of doing everything should be shared particularly when youve pointed out you need more input. Raising a family isn't an optional extra tell him.

This is so spot on. I think a couple of people on this thread have almost sneered that the mental load for kids is ‘not that hard.’ Sure - if your kids don’t do the whole pile of possible stuff which makes their life richer.

accept that sorting it a chore like any other, and allocate an appropriate amount of time when divvying up the tasks.

Children are allowed to want to play sports, it’s really healthy and good development, and if they want to play competitively they have to play a lot, and if they want to play in a team parent volunteering is a condition of entry. Also our nursery is run by a committee of parents, a common management structure here. So if you’re not willing to volunteer you’re just a freeloader off other people’s efforts. Ditto school events- the excursions the kids love, reading support, school events, parent events. By all means mock or judge but the world outside your day job is run on volunteers and we all know who the parents who can’t be arsed doing that for their kids are. It’s never the busiest parents with the biggest jobs or least children, they are the ones with sleeves rolled up pitching in.

He already does 70% of bills and cleaning, all house maintenance, bath and bed times when he’s home, and all pick ups. How is that ‘so little’?

Not really fair though is it? I wouldn't expect so little in a relationship. My partner works full time and I am part time. I do carry more mental load but house work is equal. I went part time to spend time with the kids. Not be someone's skivvy 😄

He already does quite a lot!